dreams: Tuesday, January 16, 2001

connecting with my grandparents

I am sitting at a table with John and his parents, Bigdaddy and Grandma Bessie. We are all eating a meal together.

John's new home is a upscale restaurant

I'm in John's new house. I've never been here before. It's some special holiday. We're all walking somewhere. In the house I see beautiful wooden tables and lots of lit candles. Everything looks different. It's clean, smaller, organized. John seems very responsible.

I walk through the place and see that there are many tables. It turns into a Mexican restaurant that has many booths. It's a popular place; a large number of people are dining here. It is very nice quality. It is now night, and people are eating dinner by candlelight. I remember that tonight is Halloween; for a moment I consider going out to trick-or-treat. There are big bowls of corn chips and salsa on each table. I'm walking through the place, observing everything.

I turn around when I get to the far end of the room and return back the way I came. Thre is a table where the diners are almost done with their meal, finishing up their dessert. It's a blueberry cobbler with chocolate. I take the plate for them. The woman tells me to tell the chef/management that it was very good (she has specific words for me to tell them). There is still a big piece of dessert on the plate. I pick up another plate from a different table, and I bring it all up to the counter in front. A young woman works there, standing behind the counter. She is ready to ring me up. She doesn't realize that I am actually part of the staff (since I'm the daughter of the owner -- John owns this whole place -- or at least he's the landlord). I hand her the dessert and the other plate and tell her the warm message from the people sitting down. I suggest that we should try the dessert ourselves, since there is still a big piece left. There is a young man standing on my right. The woman breaks off a bite of the dessert with her fingers. I ask for a chunk of the chocolate, and when she gives it to me, I give some of my bite to the guy next to me. It's good.

my intense conversation with Forest

I'm walking with Mom (and someone else?) through a clothing store. I'm looking at jackets. It is cold weather outside, and I'm already wearing a jacket that Mom gave to me. I like it, except for its bright red color, which is not quite my style. But I like its thick lining, made out of soft, white, fuzzy sheep fluff. It is long (mid-thigh) and has buttons up the front.

I see another jacket here in the store that is similar to mine but a darker, deeper red color. And it has a hood. I try it on, looking in the full length mirror. Now I'm wearing the new one on top of the old one, so it all looks very thick, especially at the shoulders, since both jackets have shoulder pads. My hair is a dark red/brown color, and my breasts look large. Mom makes some comment about my age being older now -- old enough to get rid of the shoulder pads.

I'm thinking of getting the new coat. I go up to the small, circular counter. Suddenly I see Steve Snyder standing near the counter, over next to the front door. He's with his son, Forest. It takes me a moment to recognize them. I have to stop and stare, to really look. At first I'm frozen, unable to move. Mom is next to me and she sees them too.

Then I suddenly step forward, surprising myself; part of me is in awe of my courage and determination. Steve says something about "the redhead," in reference to me. I walk directly to Forest. Mom goes somewhere else. Steve leaves the store, going outside. Forest and I are standing face-to-face, looking at each other.

"I haven't seen you in years," I say. His face looks the same. I'd forgotten what it looks like. He still has round, boyish cheeks. We keep looking at each other, maintaining eye contact. He is standing in the corner, his back against the wall (with the counter on his right, the front window on his left). I reach out both my hands, and we hold hands. I feel lots of emotional connection.

"So much time has gone by that I have felt very separate from you. But I'd forgotten that you're really my brother, and you have a place in my heart," I tell him, speaking the truth that is unfolding for me. I feel a lot of compassion for him.

The woman at the counter on my left is putting the red coat in a bag. She places my credit card on the countertop to give it back to me. No! I tell her I actually hadn't yet decided if I want to buy it. I tell her to wait. I don't want to be distracted from this important interaction.

Our love feels strong. A brother/sister bond. But then I see Forest put his leg up, crossing it over the next one (since he now seems to be sitting on a stool). He's wearing baggy pants. I realize he does that to hide his erection.

I ask Forest how he's doing. He begins crying. He is in a lot of pain. I feel intense heartache in myself by looking at his face. I cry with him. I tell him I heard he now has a child of his own. He nods. I ask him what is wrong. "It all got shut off," he says. My hand is leaning on the wall behind him, to the left of him. I accidentally hit the light switch, making everything go dark for a moment. He gets freaked out, especially because of the sound my hand makes on the switch next to his right ear. I quickly explain that it was just my hand. It's dark over here in the corner still.

Forest continues with what he was telling me, saying that it was the electricity that got shut off at his place. "We had a big party last night," he says. I get a quick visual flash of a friend of his, a young black man. I feel pain and frustration. I ask him how old he is, but then I remember that he is my age: 23 years old. He looks SO young. He is still a young boy. I feel an urge to help him, to make him see the big picture.

"We had such pain in our childhood!" I say, and Forest nods in agreement. We are both crying. "You're now giving your child the same things we had to deal with when we were young. Don't you see that you're re-living the same patterns?!" I say to him. In my peripheral vision I can see Steve through the window on my right; he's across the street, standing next to a car. It's dark outside. I feel anger towards Steve, and I'm mad that Forest can't see that he has never broken free from him. I feel so much older than Forest. I tell him I will pray for him the rest of my life. (I momentarily wonder to myself if the word "pray" puts him off, since it may be associated with organized religion in his mind.)

I see that his eyes look kind of glazed, and I wonder if he's doing drugs. I start to ask him how Eli is doing [but then I wake up].

talking about sex with the family

I'm in a room with Mom and Phoebe, arguing with them about my sex life. I am being very defensive; they are being very critical. John is in the other room. They don't want him to hear what we're talking about. I don't care if he hears. I try to remember the last time I had sex but it all seems hazy.

Mom says something about how when Steve lived with us, she hardly cared about Forest and Eli (from the parent perspective -- disciplining, etc.). I assume that Steve was the same way towards me and Phoebe, though I can't remember.

my green cowboy boots

I'm in a store that has country western clothing and apparel. I have a gift certificate for this place from a friend. I'm trying on several pairs of cowboy boots. Both are green (a faded tone). One pair is $89, which is good, since my certificate is for $80. One boot shows my toes -- they stick out. I like the other style. I try on a stiletto high heel boot, but I can't keep my balance when I'm wearing it. I almost fall over.

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