dreams: Monday, January 15, 2001

the bookstore at the Kama Sutra workshop

I'm working at the Bookstore, yet it's now in a home that is out near Jane and Jonathan's home, past Emigrant Lake outside of Ashland (the Barn?). Today I've been told that six trainees are going to be here to assist me and learn how to work in the store.

The six people are young (my age and younger), and it seems like they all have experience here. I am talking to them, and I mention the workshop that is happening here now. It's something about Kama Sutra. I pronounce it "SOO-tra," and one of the young male assistants corrects me, saying "SUH-tra." I feel stupid. I start to set up the bookstore. I'm standing behind a table/counter, writing up receipts as customers bring me the items that they want to purchase. It's stressful; I have to do a lot at once. There are lots of little important things that I have forgotten how to do. After writing several receipts, I realize I didn't write down the workshop at the top (BIG mistake). I write "Welcome Kama Sutra!" at the top of the next one.

Some things still need to be set out for display, like a small round tray of food (dips, crackers, etc.). A girl trainee tries to help but gets in my way, and it makes me very mad. Yet I don't say anything. The next moment I knock something over and get enraged -- the pent up frustration comes out in a huge explosion.

Then I'm talking to a young woman who went to high school with me. She hung out with the alternative crowd that had body piercings, dreadlocks, black clothes, big boots, etc. She is telling me about how she saw me at that time, giving me analysis on the social dynamics in high school. She says something about me sometimes being with the "black" kids. I have a quick vision of a group of young African-Americans. I ask her how Juniper is doing; I realize it's been a long time since I've seen her.

seeking protection from the stalker

I get something with bad vibes in the mail. It says I owe money for postage, since whoever sent it didn't pay the full price. Some older creepy guy sent it to me. The delivery has a bunch of small, round envelopes made out of thick paper for me to stick my coins into in order to send it back to the postal people.

I find out that the man who sent it to me also sent something to my female friend (Hiroko? Noli?). He is a slimy stalker guy. Now he's looking for me. I'm running away from him. I'm with my girlfriend, and we're both trying to escape. I'm on a train, and I see him trying to come through the door. I push him out and kick his face as he falls under the train, getting sucked onto the tracks.

I get off the train. But then I realize that the man is still alive and dangerous. I know because I see his passport and other belongings on the ground where he fell. I yell to Noli/Hiroko to get ON the train. It's moving quickly. I know we need to hop onto it to get away from the man.

Then we are traveling through a Latin/South American country, still trying to get away from the man. We are about a day ahead of him, but I can sense that he is diligently on our heels, trying to find us. I'm scared, and I want protection and security. We are in the undeveloped countryside. It has lots of green trees. We are up on a hilltop/mountain, looking over an expanse of valley and other hills that are all green, covered by tropical forest. Yet the air here is very dry.

I see an old, poor, dirty, drunk man lying on the ground. We hire him to help hide us. We are in a little wooden shack nearby. The old man locks it from the outside. I also lock the doors from teh inside, using padlocks and sliding metal latches. From inside, we can see the forested mountains through the windows. There are many lit candles that fill the room with warm light. It's now dark outside, and Hiroko/Noli and I are going to spend the night here. Then I get worried that our light might attract outside attention. I don't want the scary stalker man to know we're here. The candles can probably be seen through the windows. I start to blow them all out.

claiming my power by killing Mom's bugs

I'm at Granddaddy's house. There is a dinner party here. Mom, Phoebe, Lou Gold, Troy and others are here, sitting at a long table.

Then I'm going to a place at the top of a hill (in Ashland?) where a train stops to drop people off. I'm with another person, and we're waiting for someone we know (Mom? Phoebe?) to get off the train. We're trying to hide so that we can surprise her. I see Alegria Barbara get off, carrying bags. There is a car full of interesting people there to pick her up; they're her friends. She gets in the crowded backseat, and everyone's happy to see her. They are young, and genuine, full of life, acceptance, love and strong (positive) egos. I'm envious but happy for her.

Then I'm in the backseat of a tiny car. Phoebe is next to me, on my left. Mom is driving. Alex Comer and another person are up front in the passenger seat, smooshed in tightly, making Alex almost have to sit on Mom's lap. Mom and I are arguing about something. I'm angry at her. I feel like I have to defend myself with words, justifying my position, since she tears it apart as I say it. I'm verbally attacking her, explaining why she's so screwed up. I feel like Phoebe supports Mom, so I'm alone in this fight. I cannot tell how Alex feels about it, but I value his opinion. I'm watching his face as he listens to us. I wonder if I can get his support.

Then we're not in the car anymore. Mom is holding a large wooden box that looks like a big birdhouse. It has bees in it. I know it can be used against me. I have to annihilate it in order to have my own freedom. The box is now in a gigantic bin full of water. Phoebe is rotating the box around and around as it floats in the water. The water looks very hot. The box bobs up and down enough so that part of it is always sticking up into the air. Each side has a little hole/window. I realize that Mom is tightly curled up inside the box, her whole body filling it. I tell Phoebe to make sure that part of it is always above water, since I don't want Mom to suffocate. I feel a little sorry for her.

Then I'm in a shower (in my old bathroom downstairs in Mom's house). There are lots of little black bugs all over the shower floor and walls. They are from Mom's wooden box. I have to kill all of them, or else the live ones will grow and multiply, which would allow Mom to maintain her control (over ME, especially). I now have a chance to kill them all to claim my own power. I'm quickly trying to smoosh as many as I can. I'm using several white washcloths, as well as my own fingers and feet. They are flies (or ants?). Some are really small, but I know I have to kill those too, since they'd grow up to be big someday if I let them go now. For a moment it looks like I've gotten almost all of the bugs. But then I see a bunch of them crawling out of clumps in the corners, so I keep smooshing them.

my new vibrator

I'm in a small room with several other people. It's Christmas-time, and we each have a wrapped present. They are actually from some company that is giving out free gifts as a special sales deal. I open mine. It is a black electronic gadget sealed up in clear plastic; it looks like a walkman but is slightly smaller. I'm disappointed, since I don't really need it. A young jock man opens up his. It is a bunch of new socks. I'm envious, since I'd rather have his gift. I pull my gadget out of the plastic and turn it on. I stick it between my legs, at my crotch; I'm only wearing underwear. I feel horny, and I'm wondering if it will vibrate (like a pager), so at least I can get some use out of it.

I love my group

I'm out in the snow with Megan Friedman. I'm making letters in the white powder by squirting green liquid onto the ground. I read my statement. It has letters and a heart-shape. It says "I (heart) my group eee."

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