-=-A B
C D E
F G H
I J K
L M N
O P Q
R S T
U V W
X Y Z
Proverbs and Sayings
Other-=-
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex,
no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
—Harry V. Wade
%
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has
a son who thinks he's wrong.
—Charles Wadsworth
%
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
—Jack Wagner
%
All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
specific.
—Jane Wagner
%
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
—Jane Wagner
%
The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.
—Jane Wagner
%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
—George Wald
%
...City Hall Plaza, Boston's unintended monument to brick masons...
—Adrian Walker
%
Beauty? What's that?
—Larry Wall
%
I don't think it's worth washing hogs over.
—Larry Wall
%
The Harvard Law states: Under controlled conditions of light, temperature,
humidity, and nutrition, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
—Larry Wall
%
Wow, I'm being shot at from both sides. That means I *must* be right.
:-)
—Larry Wall
%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
—"The Wall Street Journal"
%
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've
been bombing over the years been complaining?
—George Wallace
%
No problem is insoluble.
—Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years," "Star Trek"
%
The heart is not a logical organ.
—Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years," "Star Trek"
%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
—Joe Walsh
%
If it's a woman, it's caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative.
—Barbara Walters
%
Forget the crockery, go for the frying pan!
—Audrey Walton-Hadlock '99, on dealing with men
%
Men are like fudge: sweet, dense, and rarely good for you.
—Audrey Walton-Hadlock '99
%
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice
my wife's brother.
—Artemus Ward
%
Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?
—Artemus Ward
%
The worst moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful and has no one
to thank.
—Wendy Ward
%
The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior
teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.
—William Arthur Ward
%
The sports page records people's accomplishments, the front page nothing
but their failures.
—Justice Earl Warren
%
No man, who continues to add something to the material, intellectual and
moral well-being of the place in which he lives, is left long without
proper reward.
—Booker T. Washington
%
Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who
can't put his pants on.
—Arthur K. Watson
%
We don't have to protect the environment—the Second Coming is at
hand.
—James Watt
%
It is a curious thing...that every creed promises a paradise which will be
absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.
—Evelyn Waugh
%
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
—Evelyn Waugh
%
What is it with printing books ever bigger and bigger, on coarser and
coarser paper? Are we living in an accelerated age of ephemera?
—Tanaqui Weaver
%
Craig's Little Lessons for Life, or Chicken Soup for the Medieval
Soul.
—Heather Weidner '00, on English Professor Craig Williamson's
sermonizing
%
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted something for
nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
—Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
%
All sins are attempts to fill voids.
—Simone Weil
%
Imagination and fiction make up more than three quarters of our real
life.
—Simone Weil
%
Those who are unhappy have no need for anything in this world but people
capable of giving them their attention.
—Simone Weil
%
To be a hero or a heroine, one must give an order to oneself.
—Simone Weil
%
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
—A. H. Weiler
%
Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get rid
of rutabagas which nobody ever bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that was a
great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
question, "Now what's the least popular vegetable?"
Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
—Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
%
I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the
only place where my fears were justified.
—Anita Weiss
%
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
—Orson Welles
%
I passionately hate the idea of being with it; I think an artist has
always to be out of step with his time.
—Orson Welles
%
In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
five hundred years of democracy and peace—and what did they produce?
The cuckoo-clock.
—Orson Welles
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to
act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
—Orson Welles
%
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there
are three other people.
—Orson Welles
%
Are Linux users lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff of
reliable, well-engineered commercial software?
—Matt Welsh
%
The purpose of life is to fight maturity.
—Dick Werthimer
%
Fiction reveals truths that reality obscures.
—Jessamyn West
%
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
—Mae West
%
I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.
—Mae West
%
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
—Mae West
%
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
—Mae West
%
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and
never missed it.
—Mae West
%
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
—Mae West
%
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
—Mae West
%
It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
—Mae West
%
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
—Mae West
%
Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you.
—Mae West
%
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
—Mae West
%
Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of
shins.
—Mae West
%
To err is human, but it feels divine.
—Mae West
%
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
—Mae West
%
Virtue has its own reward, but no box office.
—Mae West
%
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before.
—Mae West
%
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
—Mae West
%
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
—Mae West
%
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned
things is ample.
—Rebecca West
%
God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible
as infanticide.
—Rebecca West
%
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I
only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments
that differentiate me from a doormat.
—Rebecca West
%
The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and
women are idiots.
—Rebecca West
%
A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.
—Ruth Weston
%
Maybe we should all run around naked in the forest. Then there would be no
evil.
—Prof. Larry Westphal
%
I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive
were Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers.
—Wil Wheaton, explaining why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next
Generation" is so nice
%
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and
the frog dies of it.
—E. B. White
%
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are
right more than half the time.
—E. B. White
%
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the
world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to
plan the day.
—E. B. White
%
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the mind, and can
search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
—J. Gustav White
%
Very often the real world is a nasty, cruel and unjust place. It's more
fun to make up a proper world for oneself.
—James White
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
—Phil White
%
No owl can possibly be called Archie.
—T. H. White
%
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to
watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
—T. H. White
%
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love
today.
—William Allen White
%
"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity is
the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
—Alfred North Whitehead
%
A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.
—Katharine Whitehorn
%
A good listener is not someone with nothing to say. A good listener is a
good talker with a sore throat.
—Katharine Whitehorn
%
Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had
become, relatively, the cleanest thing?
—Katharine Whitehorn
%
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
—Katharine Whitehorn
%
No nice men are good at getting taxis.
—Katharine Whitehorn
%
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to
have any.
—Katharine Whitehorn
%
Why do born-again people so often make you wish they'd never been born the
first time?
—Katharine Whitehorn
%
I sound my barbaric YAWP over the rooftops of the world.
—Walt Whitman
%
A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is
by no means the most interesting.
—Doctor Who
%
According to classical aerodynamics, it is impossible for a bumblebee to
fly.
—Doctor Who
%
Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.
—Doctor Who
%
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
—Doctor Who
%
Good place to put things—cellars.
—Doctor Who
%
Gosh, that takes me back...or is it forward? That's the trouble with time
travel, you never can tell.
—Doctor Who
%
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
—Doctor Who
%
It may be irrational of me, but human beings are quite my favorite
species.
—Doctor Who
%
Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
—Doctor Who
%
Resistance is useless.
—Doctor Who
%
Rest is for the weary, sleep is for the dead.
—Doctor Who
%
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
facts that needs altering.
—Doctor Who
%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
—Doctor Who
%
I'm free—and freedom tastes of reality.
—The Who
%
Intelligence appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along
without an education. Education appears to be the thing that enables a man
to get along without the use of his intelligence.
—A. E. Wiggam
%
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
—Oscar Wilde
%
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
—Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
%
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly
the same opinion.
—Oscar Wilde
%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
popular.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Biography lends to death a new terror.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge
them; sometimes they forgive them.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Experience...is simply the name we give our mistakes.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
—Oscar Wilde
%
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
—Oscar Wilde
%
I am not young enough to know everything.
—Oscar Wilde
%
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
—Oscar Wilde
%
I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
—Oscar Wilde
%
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
ability.
—Oscar Wilde
%
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in
reading it at all.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
—Oscar Wilde
%
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
—Oscar Wilde
%
It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless
information.
—Oscar Wilde
%
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of
journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us
in touch with the ignorance of the community.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding
us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly
uninteresting event.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Music makes one feel so romantic—at least it always gets on one's
nerves—which is the same thing nowadays.
—Oscar Wilde
%
No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did he would
cease to be an artist.
—Oscar Wilde
%
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
—Oscar Wilde
%
One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down
everything except a good reputation.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Only the shallow know themselves.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say
that it had merely been detected.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the
remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to
die.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
—Oscar Wilde
%
The basis for optimism is sheer terror.
—Oscar Wilde
%
The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is
unreadable and literature is not read.
—Oscar Wilde
%
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except
genius.
—Oscar Wilde
%
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
—Oscar Wilde
%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying
than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
—Oscar Wilde
%
There is no sin except stupidity.
—Oscar Wilde
%
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well
written or badly written.
—Oscar Wilde
%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
—Oscar Wilde
%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
—Oscar Wilde
%
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
—Oscar Wilde
%
There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is
love, the only survival, the only meaning.
—Thornton Wilder
%
You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when
the conversation wanders away from themselves.
—Michael Wilding
%
Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence
punctuated by committee meetings.
—George F. Will
%
Voters do not decide issues. They decide who will decide
issues.
—George F. Will
%
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
—H. H. Williams
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.
—Tennessee Williams
%
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
—John Williamson
%
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
—Nicol Williamson
%
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of
people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
—Derek Wills
%
gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
—Earl Wilson
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
—Earl Wilson
%
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.
—Woodrow Wilson
%
I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as
well.
—Woodrow Wilson
%
If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you
should go home and examine your conscience.
—Woodrow Wilson
%
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
—Woodrow Wilson
%
The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
—Woodrow Wilson
%
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
—Marty Winch
%
Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under
observation.
—Walter Winchell
%
I've heard snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies.
—Charles Emerson Winchester III
%
Flappity, Floppity, Flip!
The Mouse on the Mobius Strip.
The Strip revolved,
The Mouse dissolved,
In a chronodimensional skip.
—Frederick Winsor, "The Space Child's Mother Goose"
%
I rely on my personality for birth control.
—Liz Winston
%
I think, therefore I'm single.
—Liz Winston
%
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the
airport.
—George Winters
%
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
—Jonathan Winters
%
All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that
causes all the problems.
—Shelley Winters
%
If people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would
ever get done.
—Ludwig Wittgenstein
%
The limits of my language means the limits of my world.
—Ludwig Wittgenstein
%
Daughters go into analysis hating their fathers and come out hating their
mothers. They never come out hating themselves.
—Laurie Jo Wojcik
%
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
—Nero Wolfe
%
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
—Nero Wolfe
%
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
—Nero Wolfe
%
A cult is a religion with no political power.
—Tom Wolfe
%
The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington
Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National
Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the
country.
—Robert J. Woodhead
%
Anyone can be a barbarian; it requires a terrible effort to remain a
civilized man.
—Leonard Woolf
%
Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by
heart and his friends can only read the title.
—Virginia Woolf
%
Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so slightly perhaps, but
still attached to life at all four corners.
—Virginia Woolf
%
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.
—Virginia Woolf
%
I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without
signing them, was often a woman.
—Virginia Woolf
%
Literature is strewn with the wreckage of those who have minded beyond
reason the opinion of others.
—Virginia Woolf
%
The older one grows, the more one like indecency.
—Virginia Woolf
%
Women have served all these centuries as looking-glasses possessing the
magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its
natural size.
—Virginia Woolf
%
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
—Alexander Woollcott
%
The best portion of a good man's life: his little, nameless, unremembered
acts of kindness and love.
—William Wordsworth
%
Good tea. Nice house.
—Worf, "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
%
Should I incapacitate him, Commander?
—Worf, "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
%
Sir, I protest, I am not a merry man!
—Worf, "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
%
With all due respect, be gone!...sir.
—Worf, "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
%
Your ambushes would be more successful if you bathed more often.
—Worf, "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
%
Activity back of a very small idea will produce more than inactivity and
the planning of genius.
—James A. Worsham
%
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the
benefit of his country.
—Sir Henry Wotton
%
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written
today.
—Herman Wouk
%
Always be polite to a dragon. It's harder than it sounds. Dragon etiquette
is incredibly complicated, and if you make a mistake, the dragon eats
you.
—Patricia C. Wrede
%
...I'm eating another really stale bagel; we're talkin' you don't bite the
thing, you pummel it with your Physics book, then mix it into the cream
cheese. Hey, it's not so bad—crunchy cream cheese.
—Alie Wright
%
Okay, this is basically what Physicists think is a good idea to find out
what's inside of something: they shoot at it. Yeah, so it's like you have
this box, you shoot it and if the bullet just goes through, there's
nothing in the box, if the bullet gets stuck inside, there's a big-ass
something in there, and if you just hear a shriek, well, you've just
killed the cat.
—Alie Wright, on proton accelerators
%
Tea: water in its most glorified form.
—Alie Wright
%
...the problem of people not hearing you say "come in" after they
knock. That's why I exclaim "ENTER!" You should try it. Not only do people
hear you, but they enter the room rather meekly and respectfully. If you
have a crown on your head, a knife in your belt, and a scepter in your
hand, all the better.
—Alie Wright
%
Zaphod Beeblebrox should really run for president of the United
States. Hey, if people actually took Perot seriously enough to vote for
him, imagine how much support could fall behind "Beeblebrox: Two heads are
better than one." We've moved beyond just ears here.
—Alie Wright
%
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
—Frank Lloyd Wright
%
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
—Frank Lloyd Wright
%
Namon doesn't have the chance to rise before a gunshot rings out, dropping
him like a scoop of runny potato salad on the paper plate of
mortality.
—Jim Wright
%
Veni, vidi, squishy: they came, they saw, they stomped its guts
out.
—Jim Wright
%
Voyager's got one heck of a reputation—it's a one-ship
apocalypse. Borg in a can. Species 666.
—Jim Wright
%
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were
here."
—Steven Wright
%
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of
the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the
store."
—Steven Wright
%
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
—Steven Wright
%
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
—Steven Wright
%
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?
—Steven Wright
%
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't
get it...
—Steven Wright
%
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
—Steven Wright
%
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.
—Steven Wright
%
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.
—Steven Wright
%
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.
—Steven Wright
%
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
—Steven Wright
%
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway
instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this
rumbling noise go by.
—Steven Wright
%
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly) ...and says, "Here, you can go."
-Steven Wright
%
I got this powdered water—now I don't know what to add.
—Steven Wright
%
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
—Steven Wright
%
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
—Steven Wright
%
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a
while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call
from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
—Steven Wright
%
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
—Steven Wright
%
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
—Steven Wright
%
I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me are
furious!
—Steven Wright
%
I invented the cordless extension cord.
—Steven Wright
%
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
—Steven Wright
%
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
—Steven Wright
%
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting Slinkies on the escalator.
—Steven Wright
%
(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part
O. I don't trust anybody!
—Steven Wright
%
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window.
—Steven Wright
%
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
—Steven Wright
%
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my
car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
—Steven Wright
%
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much
time.
—Steven Wright
%
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered
French Toast in the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright
%
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I
did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."
—Steven Wright
%
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.
—Steven Wright
%
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
—Stephen Wright
%
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran
out.
—Steven Wright
%
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.
—Steven Wright
%
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
—Steven Wright
%
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four."
—Steven Wright
%
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
—Steven Wright
%
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
—Steven Wright