For all dreams are not equal,
some exit to nightmare
most end with the dreamer

But at least one must be lived...and died.
%
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
%
All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
%
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
%
alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.

In the land of the night
The ship of the sun
Is drawn by
The grateful dead.

Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
%
Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
%
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist.

Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.

Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
%
Ask any question you please of the gods. They do not have to answer.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:

ee to the ex dee ex,
ee to the why dee why,
sine x, cosine x,
natural log of y,
derivative on the left
derivative on the right
integrate, integrate,
fight! fight! fight!

E to the x dx dy
radical transcendental pi
secant cosine tangent sine
3.14159
2.71828
come on folks let's integrate!!

E to the i dx dy
E to y dy
cosine secant log of pi
disintegrate 'em RPI!!!

square root, tangent
hyperbolic sine,
3.14159
e to the x, dy, dx,
sliderule, slipstick, TECH TECH TECH!

e to the u, du/dx
e to the x dx
cosine, secant, tangent, sine,
3.14159
integral, radical, u dv,
slipstick, slide rule, MIT!

E to the X
D-Y, D-X
E to the X
D-X.
Cosine, Secant, Tangent, Sine
3.14159
E-I, Radical, Pi
Fight 'em, fight 'em, WPI!
Go Worcester Polytechnic Institute!!!!!!
%
Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.
%
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
%
chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.

101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:

And A Whole Lot More...
%
Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
%
Picard: Commander, have you been able to determine the cause of the warp breach?
LaForge: No, sir. Everything was normal, and then, suddenly, it's like the laws of physics went right out the window.
Q (flashing into sight): And why shouldn't they? They're so inconvenient.

He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the Year award.
%
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
%
Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
%
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
%
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
%
Croll's Query:
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
%
Cutler Webster's Law:
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
%
dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or computation.

Dear Dave:
No. It is important to make the public aware of this. If you take your F-16 into a bad neighborhood, make sure you don't leave it on the street overnight. —Cecil Adams
%
Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.
%
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
%
Death before dishonor. But neither before breakfast.
%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%
Death is life's answer to the question "Why?"
%
Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.

         EARTH          

     smog  |   bricks  

 AIR  —  mud  —  FIRE

soda water |   tequila 

         WATER        

Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist.
%
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
%
Every silver lining's got a touch of grey.

Support: You're not our only customer, you know.
Customer: But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons.
%
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
%
faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.

Incorrigible punster—Do not incorrige.
%
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.

Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
%
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
%
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.

A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
(1) You can't win.
(2) You can't break even.
(3) You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:

(1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
(2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
(3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.
%
Give me your students, your secretaries,
Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
I lift my disk beside the processor.

A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
%
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
%
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
%
Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above-average drivers.
%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
%
hangover, n.: The wrath of grapes.
%
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
%
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
%
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

          \/3
        /
       |  2            3 x 3.14           3_
       | z dz  x  cos(-----------) = ln (\/e )
       |                  9
      /
       1

Which, of course, translates to:

Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the square root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.

And it's correct, too.
%
Hi! You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please leave your name and message after the beep.
%
High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
%
His people would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
%
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
%
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.
%
Q: How many members of the U. S. S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon ship and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five-year mission.
%
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
%
"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche full of money before."
%
Odo: Humanoid death rituals are an interest of mine.
Quark: Death rituals?
Odo: Everybody needs a hobby.

I've never seen a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one

Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
%
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
%
If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over.
%
If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to have to get a toehold in the public eye.
%
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
%
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

You first.
%
Q: Let us pray for understanding and for compassion.
Picard: Let us do no such damn thing.

Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
%
Lost: gray and white female cat. Answers to electric can opener.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
%
Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
%
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
%
Love is what it's cracked up to be.
%
Love means never having to say you're sorry.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

• For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
  
• Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
  
• Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
  
• The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer!"

(10) Potholes are

The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, un-American, imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
%
Plastic gun. Ingenious. More coffee, please.

A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the correction.

And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away!

After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
%
The only universal message in science fiction is this: There exist minds that think as well as you do, but differently.

Niven's corollary: The gene-tampered turkey you're talking to isn't necessarily one of them.
%
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake—which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

Cowboy: Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but...
Horse: No, stupid, not feedback. I said I wanted a feedbag.
%
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
%
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
%
The universe does not have laws—it has habits, and habits can be broken.
%
The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, and deviation standard.
%
The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling.
%
The wages of sin are unreported.
%
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
%
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
%
The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
%
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.

The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:

Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.

Proof: assume the opposite...
%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
%
There's a pinch of the madman in every great man.
%
There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes.
%
"There's only one kind of woman..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't."

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
%
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the contents may have occurred during shipment.
%
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software.

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times.)

15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."
%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
%
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
%
'Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.

("The Lure of the Limerick" by W. S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to Harvey L. Carter).
%

The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing.

Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on. The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of the kitchen floor...thereby reducing the problem to one that has already been solved.
%
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring...Tippy, the Wonder Dog!

1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
%
Translation is like a kiss through a veil.
%
Translation is like the reverse side of an embroidered tapestry.
%
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats, "one thir—dex cue?" He repeats, "one third x cubed."

Her: "one thir dex cuebd?" Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd..."

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?"

The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"
%
Picard: Very well, I will introduce you. But...we cannot argue like this in front of her. We must at least appear to be...
Q (embracing Picard): Pals?
Picard: Civil.

Q: What do monsters drink?
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
%
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
%
Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
%
Geordi: What do you look for in a man, Guinan?
Guinan: You mean me personally?
Geordi: Yeah...as a woman. What's the first thing you look at?
Guinan: His head.
Geordi: Oh, his mind. Of course.
Guinan: No. His head. I'm attracted to bald men.

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.
%
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
%
Tom Knapp, reporter: What is the most frightening thing you have ever really seen?
Chet Williamson, horror writer: That's hard. As far as real horror goes, I suppose I've been lucky. I mean, how much horror can you see in Lancaster County besides overdevelopment?
%
Real Estate Agent: What is your name? [silence] Ma'am, what is your name, please?
Client: Don't rush me! I'm thinking.
%
Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Renault: And that makes Rick a citizen of the world.
Rick: I was born in New York City if that'll help you any.

Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
%
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
%
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
%
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
%
Willy-nilly, adj.: impotent
%
Win95 is not a virus; a virus does something.

Whatever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.

You cannot win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.

Yours is.

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