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Cordelia: I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?
Xander: Dreams are meaningful.
Willow: Sheesh, tell me about it. The other night, I dreamt that
Xander—uh, it wasn't Xander. I-In fact, it wasn't me. It was a
friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it.
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.
Cordelia: Buffy? You're really campaigning for bitch of the year,
aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been that
close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but...you
have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna...do you a
favor.
Buffy: And this great favor is...
Cordelia: I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it.
Buffy: Excuse me?
Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with
it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.
Willow: ...why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling
things out.
Xander: A bitca?
Principal Snyder: There're some things I can just smell. It's like
a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five.
Buffy: "Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a
meal."
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? Oh, pretend I didn't say
that.
Absalom: Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a sticky
paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face.
Buffy: So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk?
Xander: So, are we Bronzing it tonight?
Willow: Wednesdays, kinda beat.
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a
sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.
Giles: Grave robbery? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say "gross" and "disturbing."
Giles: Yes, yes, yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to
it. Damn it.
"This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place." —Willow, to the gang, on digging up information about the dead girl who was stolen from the cemetery.
Cordelia (signing up for the science fair): Okay, I'm
doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation
in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to
do anything educational in school if they don't want to.
Willow (reading): "The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?"
Cordelia: I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, all
right?
Later...
Cordelia (coming into the library): Hi. Sorry to
interrupt your little undead playgroup, but I need to ask Willow if she'll
help me with my science fair project.
Willow: It's a fruit.
Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were
killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way
to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the
cross-town body count competition this year?
Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.
Xander (digging): Y'know, this might go a lot faster if
you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Hear, hear.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe
that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed
up for the army of zombies.
Willow: Is it an army if you just have three?
Buffy: Zombie drill team, then.
Buffy: We were investigating. Somebody's been digging up the bodies
of dead girls.
Angel: I know. We found some of them.
Buffy: You mean, like, two of the three?
Angel: I mean, like, some of them. Like parts.
Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there
were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things
always happening to me?
Xander: Karma! [coughs to cover it]
Xander (spots Giles): And speaking of love...
Willow: We were talking about the re-animation of dead tissue.
Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?
Buffy (to Giles): Hey.
Giles (distracted): Oh! Yes. Hello.
Buffy: Still no sign of our mad doctors?
Giles: What? Oh! Uh, corpses, yes. Evil. Huh. Very good.
Principal Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, "Think of your principal as your pal." I say, "Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner."
Principal Snyder: Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers, assuming you have any left.
Spike: You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
Spike: So. Who do you kill for fun around here?
Spike: You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
Buffy: I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a...third unmeshable thing.
Buffy (seeing Spike with a long metal pipe): Do we
really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
Spike: A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.
Xander: Oh, that's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell
curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts.
Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up
every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah, I'm irrational that way.
Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices,
blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a
smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying it.
Ampata: You are strange.
Xander: Girls always tell me that...right before they run away.
Buffy: Ampata's only staying two weeks.
Willow: Yeah. And then Xander can find someone else who's not me to
obsess about. At least with you I knew he didn't have a shot. Well, you
know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out
with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get
on with my life.
Buffy: Good for you.
Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
Buffy: What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse and doesn't even pack lipstick?
Xander: Hmm, and we thought just because we didn't have any money
or any place to go, this'd be a lackluster evening.
Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze, and sneak in our own tea
bags and ask for hot water.
Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in
jail.
Buffy: I'm brainsick. I can't have a relationship with him.
Willow: Not during the day, but...you could ask him for coffee some
night. It's the non-relationship drink of choice. It's not a date, it's a
caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter, like a relationship
that way, but...
Giles: Just because the paranormal is more normal and less...para of late, that is no excuse for tardiness or letting your guard down.
Xander: I hate these guys. Whatever they want just falls into their
laps. Don't you hate these guys?
Willow: Yeah, with their charmed lives, and their movie-star good
looks, and more money than you can count...I'm hating.
Cordelia: You know what's so cool about college? The diversity. You've got all the rich people, and all the other people.
Giles: Callie Megan Anderson...missing for over a week...no one's
seen her, no one knows what happened to her.
Willow: This being Sunnydale and all, I guess we can rule out
something good.
Buffy: I told one lie. I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon
snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this
juncture.
"Starve a snake, lose a fortune. Boy, I guess the rich really are different, huh!" —Xander to Willow and Buffy, upon reading about the suicides of boardroom execs who've lost their fortunes after Makita's demise.
Cordelia: Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams "street urchin."
Xander: That's my friend that you're talkin' about!
Larry: Oh, yeah? Well, what're you gonna do about it?
Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: [grabs
Larry by the shirt] somethin' damn manly.
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire. Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs?
Buffy (talking to Willow, who is wearing a skimpy outfit): I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you.
Xander (seeing Buffy in her 18th-century costume): Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!
Cordelia: Is
Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?
Oz: Yeah, you know, he's just goin' by "Devon" now.
Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on
Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look
that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I
know the peasants were all depressed...
Xander: I think you mean o-pressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose
some heads." Uhhh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She
was gonna let them have cake!
Xander: Aw, you just need cheering up. And I know just the
thing! [does a wild move] Crazed dance party at the Bronze!
Buffy: I dunno. [crosses her arms, depressed]
Xander: Very calm dance party at the Bronze? [Buffy gives him
a glum look] Moping at the Bronze.
Willow: I'm so the 'Net girl.
Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?
"Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty. I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along." —Angel to Willow, about sometimes getting jealous when it comes to Buffy.
Buffy: Go! Experience this thing called fun.
Angel: He leaves no paper trail, no records. That's incriminating
enough.
Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?
Willow: Boy, we blend right in.
Xander: In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs.
Angel: Let's look around. You guys check out downstairs.
Xander: Sure thing, Bossy the Cow.
Willow: Okay, but do they really stick out?
Xander: What?
Willow: Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen
a thumb and gone, "Wow! That baby is sore!"?
Xander: You have too many thoughts.
Chanterelle: We welcome anyone who's interested in the Lonely
Ones.
Willow: The lonely ones?
Angel: Vampires.
Xander: Oh, we usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.
Ford: I know who you are.
Spike: Yeah, I know who I am, too. So what?
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles (considering a moment): Yes, it's terribly
simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are
easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we
always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives
happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.
Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that
there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be
more math. This could be mathier."
Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
"Ooh, gang, didja hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!" —Xander to Buffy, Willow, Giles, and Ms. Calendar, upon learning that he's got to attend a computer class session on Saturday.
"This is what happens when you have school on Saturday." —Cordelia to the gang, after seeing a possessed guy try to attack everybody.
Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles'
personal files and seeing what you can find?
Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a
sociopath?
Ethan: Well, I hate to mutilate and run, but...
Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.
Buffy: What'd you put?
Willow: I came down on the side of shrubs.
Spike: Read it again.
Dalton: Well, I'm not sure. It could be,
uh...deprimere...ille...bubula...linter.
Spike (paging through a dictionary): Debase...the
beef...canoe. Why does that strike me as not right?
Spike: Well, come on now. Enlighten me.
Dalton: Uh, well, it looks like Latin, but it's not. I—I'm
not even sure it's, it's a language, actually, I—
Spike: Then make it a language! Isn't that what a transcriber
does?
Buffy: We're having this thing at school....
Angel: Career week.
Buffy: How did you know?
Angel: I lurk.
Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing
creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
Giles: I've been, uh, indexing the Watcher diaries covering the
last couple of centuries. You would be amazed at how numbingly pompous and
long-winded some of these Watchers were.
Buffy: Color me stunned.
Giles: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.
Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet
to mature.
Giles: It's a reliquary. Used to house items of religious
significance, most commonly a finger or some other body part from a
saint.
Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.
Buffy: These assassins, why are they after me?
Willow: 'Cause you're the scourge of the underworld?
Buffy: I haven't been that scourgey lately.
Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.
Kendra: No wonder you died.
Giles: Is everything all right?
Buffy: Yeah, it's okay. Kendra killed the bad lamp.
Oz (eating animal crackers): Oh look, a monkey. And he
has a little hat, and little pants.
Willow: Yeah. I see.
Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes,
you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm
wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sort of ripped, like it's the
hippo going, "Hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo
dignity." And you know the monkey's just [French accent], "I mock
you with my monkey pants." And then there's a big coup in the zoo.
Willow: The monkey is French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. Did you know that?
Willow: No.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then
vampires come, and they run around and they kill people and they take over
your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and
everyone's like, "Oh, look, a mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I
am—
Giles: Uh, uh, Buffy. I believe the subtext here is rapidly
becoming, uh...text.
Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer, shouldn't she
have—
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun, but she's like this
Superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?
Giles: She's taken a human life. The guilt, it-it's, it's pretty
hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.
Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that
demon that killed that guy that time?
Giles: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.
Buffy: You died.
Ted: That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something
to say about that? Are we sorry?
Willow: The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius. There
were design features in that robot that pre-date...
Buffy (interrupting): Willow, tell me you didn't keep any
parts.
Willow: Not any big ones.
Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
Mr. Whitmore: How many of us have lost countless productive
hours plagued by, uh, unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Xander: Yes. Mm-hmm.
Mr. Whitmore: Uh, that was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a
poll.
Willow: Buffy! How come you weren't in class?
Buffy: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is "absent."
Willow: Tardy people show.
Xander: You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Okay, teach it that dreidel song.
Giles: They made their reputation by massacreing an entire Mexican
village in 1886.
Buffy: Friendly little demons.
Giles: That was before they became vampires.
Willow: Are they getting weirder? Have you noticed the weirdness of
them?
Buffy: They're weird.
Xander: Can I just say...gyuhhhh?
Buffy: I see your gyuhhhh and raise you a ngyahhh!
Xander: Do we even know what to look for? I mean, how are we
supposed to figure out what this thing is?
Buffy: Turn it over. Maybe we missed its ID bracelet.
Willow: Carpe diem. You told me that once.
Buffy: "Fish of the day"?
Buffy: Hey, speaking of "wow" potential, there's Oz over
there. What are we thinking, any sparkage?
Willow: He's nice. Hey, I like his hands.
Buffy: Mm. A fixation on insignificant detail is a definite crush
sign.
Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. I mean, he is a senior.
Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My
boyfriend had a bicentennial.
Willow: That's true. Uh...I guess...I just...
Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to
wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.
Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence
thing?
Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm
kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It creates a comfort zone. Do you wanna go out
with me tomorrow night?
Willow (cringing and slapping her forehead): Oh! I
can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Xander: You ready to get down, you funky party weasel?
Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better
part of valor.
Xander: You could have just said "Shh." God, are all you Brits such
drama queens?
Xander: Yep. Vampires are real. A lot of them live in
Sunnydale. Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
"Well, clearly the Hellmouth's answer to "what do you get the Slayer who has everything?" —Xander, responding to the sight of Buffy, at her birthday party, nearly getting strangled by an arm in a box.
Giles: Round robin?
Willow: It's when everybody calls everybody else's mom and tells
them they're staying at everyone's house.
Buffy: Thus freeing us up for world saveage.
Willow: And all-night keggers! [she gets looks from Buffy and
Giles] What, only Xander gets to make dumb jokes?
Spike: What's Big Blue up to anyway? He just sits there.
Judge: I am preparing.
Spike (rolling his eyes): Yeah. It's interesting to me that
"preparing" looks a great bit like sitting on your ass. When do we destroy
the world already?
Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also,
it's day.
Drusilla: Psst. We're going to destroy the world. Want to come?
Cordelia: What are we gonna do?
Giles: I'm leaning towards blind panic myself.
Cordelia: This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town,
Angel's joined his team, the Slayer is a basket case...I'd say we've hit
bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh, no, here's a lower place.
Oz: So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
Joyce: So what'd you do for your birthday? Did you have fun?
Buffy: I got older.
Larry: So, Oz, man, what's up with that? Dating a junior? Uh, let
me guess. That little innocent schoolgirl thing is just, uh, just an act,
right?
Oz: Yeah. Yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun.
Buffy: Ah, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily
Willow charms?
Willow: At last count, all of them. Maybe more.
Giles: Yes, I must admit I-I am quite
intrigued. Werewolves! It's...it's one of the classics. Yes, I'm sure my
books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon.
Buffy: He needs to get a pet.
Giles (discussing the werewolf): And it, uh, acts on pure
instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and, and aggressive.
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, "Hey!"
Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump! I took a tiny step, and there conclusions
were.
Oz: I spoke to Giles. He said I'll be okay. I just have to lock myself up around the full moon. Only he used more words than that. And a globe.
Bewitched, Bothered &
Bewildered
Buffy: Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards
and chocolate.
Amy: Bad breakup, huh?
Buffy: Believe me when I say "uh-huh."
Giles: Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence, even.
Angel: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send
my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an
impression.
Angel: Lacks...poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with "lungs"?
"Yeah! Okay...Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?" —Xander to Cordelia, right after she dumps him.
Giles: So Angel has decided to step up his harassment of you?
Cordelia: By sneaking in her room and leaving stuff at night? Why
doesn't he just slit her throat or strangle her while she's sleeping or
cut her heart out? [gets looks from everyone] What? I'm trying to
help.
"No, thanks. Been there, done that, and deja vu just isn't what it used to be." —Angel to Jenny, on why he doesn't want his soul restored.
Xander (presenting five balloons): Flowers for milady.
Buffy: I think they call those balloons.
Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water, maybe they'll grow.
Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out
of the loop on gifts.
Giles: It's, it's tradition among, um...people.
Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
Security guard: "Fear is for the weak." That's my motto. Either that, or "Live in the now." I haven't decided yet.
Buffy: It wasn't Backer. He was clean.
Cordelia: What do you mean "clean"?
Xander: What do you mean "was"?
Buffy: I'll check Backer's office. See if I can find any post-its marked "why a monster might want me dead."
Xander: You don't know how to kill this thing.
Buffy: I thought I might try violence.
Xander: Solid call.
Xander: "Something weird is going on." Isn't that our school motto?
Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handin' out school spirit, you
didn't even stand in line, did you?
Buffy: No. I was in the line for shred of sanity. Which you
obviously skipped.
Principal Snyder (to Willow, who is sitting on Oz's lap at a
table in the cafeteria): And you! Are we having a chair shortage?
Willow: I didn't read anything about... Oh. [slides off of Oz's
lap and into her chair] I get it.
Principal Snyder: These public displays of affection are not
acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.
Buffy: Yeah! Where they teach lunch.
Principal Snyder: Just give me a reason to kick you out,
Summers. Just give me a reason. [walks off]
Cordelia: How about because you're a tiny, impotent Nazi with a bug
up his butt the size of an emu?
Buffy: You know, polite people call before they jump out of the bushes and attack you.
Spike (assessing Acathla's tomb): It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got dog racing. Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here.
Joyce: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do you think I
chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How
dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping
about boys or...God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head...make me see things I
want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
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