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Season 1

Welcome to the Hellmouth

Xander: I kind of had a problem with the math.
Willow: Which part?
Xander: The math.

Xander: You're certainly a font of nothing.

Cordelia: The Bronze. It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town.
Buffy: Where's that?
Cordelia: About half a block from the good part of town. We don't have a whole lot of town here.

Cordelia: ...gym was canceled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker.
Buffy: Dead.
Cordelia: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander: It's not just a little dead, then?
Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be?

Giles: Something's coming. Something is going to happen here...soon!
Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?

Joyce: Are you, uh, going out tonight?
Buffy: Yeah, I'm going to a club.
Joyce: Oh. Will there be boys there?
Buffy: No, Mom. It's a nun club.

Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say...I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.

Willow: I don't actually date a whole lot...lately.
Buffy: Why not?
Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or witty, or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Buffy: It's not that bad.
Willow: It is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.

The Harvest

Willow: Oh, I—I need to sit down.
Buffy: You are sitting down.
Willow: Oh, good for me.

Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse?
Buffy: I looked around, but soon's they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!
Xander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.

Xander: Yesterday, my life's like, "Uh-oh, pop quiz!" Today it's "rain of toads."

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good.

Buffy: So Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse?
Giles: How about the end of the world?
Buffy: Knew I could count on you.

Willow: Did we win?
Buffy: Well, we averted the apocalypse. I'll give us points for that.

Giles: We may, in fact, stand between the earth and its total destruction.
Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan, 'cause a lot of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, you know, like excessive not studying.
Giles: The earth is doomed.

The Witch

Giles: Do you ignore everything I say as a rule?
Buffy: No, I believe that's your trick.

Buffy: I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad!
Giles: You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to...wave pompoms at people.

Xander: So we have no idea what caused this. That's a comfort.
Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. [everyone looks at him] Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away.

Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.

Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.

Teacher's Pet

Buffy: Destructo Girl, that's me.

Blayne: Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: Something like a lobotomy?

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but...where did they put his head?
Willow: Good point. I didn't want to hear that.

"So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand, how many things am I afraid of?" —Buffy to Giles, on seeing The Claw's reaction to Miss French.

"Oh, forgiveness is my middle name. Well, actually, it's Lavelle, and I'd appreciate it if you'd guard that secret with your life." —Xander to Miss French, when she asks him to forgive her for doing something stupid.

Giles: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow: Entirely!
Buffy: Of course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Buffy: Good idea.

Giles: Whatever you do, it had better be sudden and swift. This beast is extremely dangerous.
Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
Giles: Yes, in a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
Buffy: Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops.
Giles: Sorry.

Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

"Two points for the Slayer while the Watcher has yet to score!" —Buffy to Giles, on her being right about something that he'd dismissed.

Willow: Owen Thurman was talking to you?
Buffy: It's all true.
Willow: Wow! He hardly talks to anyone. He's solitary, mysterious....He can brood for forty minutes straight, I've clocked him.

Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go last night. No, I don't mean that either.

Giles: If your identity as a Slayer is revealed, it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Well, in that case, I won't wear my button that says, "I'm a Slayer, ask me how."

Xander: So, you just went home?
Buffy: What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, "Sorry I was late. I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass"?
Xander: Or, "Flat tire"?

Buffy: If the Apocalypse comes, beep me.

Owen: I read a lot about death, but I've never really seen a dead body before. Do they usually move?

The Pack

Xander: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
Willow: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes!

Willow: Come on, Angel pushes your buttons. You know he does.
Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good-looking... [gets a look from Willow] ...if they have eyes.

Xander: Why do I need to learn this?
Willow: 'Cause otherwise you'll flunk math.
Xander: Explain the part where that's bad.
Willow: You remember. You fail math. You flunk out of school. You end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.

Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.

Giles: Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.

Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or...or some ducks?


Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. "Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month."

Xander: Buffy, come on. Wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book.
Buffy: What, saving my life, getting slashed in the ribs?
Xander: Duh!

Willow (to Giles): How is it you always know this stuff? You always know what's going on. I never know what's going on.
Giles: Well, you weren't here from midnight until six researching it.
Willow: No, I was sleeping.

Buffy: Cool, crossbow! Check out these babies. Goodbye, stakes, hello, flying fatality!

Buffy: Can a vampire ever be a good person? Couldn't it happen?
Giles: A vampire isn't a person at all. It may have the movements, the memories, even the personality of the person it took over, but it's still a demon at the core. There is no halfway.
Willow: So that'd be a no, huh?

Buffy: You want Xander, you've gotta speak up, girl!
Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up, that way leads to madness and sweaty palms.

Angel: The elders conjured up the perfect punishment for me: they restored my soul.
Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?

Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party.
Buffy: Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?
Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.

Buffy: It's weird, though. In this way, I feel like he's still watching me.
Willow: Well, in a way he sort of is...in the way of that he's right over there.

I Robot, You Jane

Buffy: This guy could be anybody. He could be weird or crazy or old or...he could be a circus freak—he's probably a circus freak!
Xander: Yeah, I mean we read about it all the time. You know, people meet on the Net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show...horrible axe murder.
Buffy: Willow, axe murdered by a circus freak!...We are totally overreacting!
Xander: But it's fun, isn't it?

Giles: Things involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element.

Ms. Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.

Giles: Well, it's been so nice talking to you.
Ms. Calendar: We were fighting.
Giles: Must do it again sometime, yes. Bye now.

Giles: Does this look familiar to either of you?
Buffy: Yeah, sure. It looks like a book.
Xander: I knew that one.

Buffy: Okay, so a powerful demon with horns is walking around Sunnydale, and nobody's noticed?

Xander: He's in a computer! What can he do?
Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How 'bout mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
Giles: Destroy the world's economy.
Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
Giles: Right, yours was best.
Xander: Okay, he's a threat. I'm on board with that now.

Xander: Hey, I got to hit someone!

Willow: Malcolm. Moloch. Whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
Buffy: Doesn't say anything about you.
Willow: I mean, I thought I was really falling...
Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I moved here? Turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant preying mantis.
Willow: That's true.
Xander: That's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it. None of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed!
Willow: Yeah!
[laughs, then abrupt silence]

The Puppet Show

Buffy: The school talent show. However did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Giles: Our fuhrer, Mister Snyder.
Willow: I think they call them principals now.

Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.
Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role...and watch.
Xander: And mock.
Willow: And laugh.

Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: They give me the wig. Ever since I was little.
Willow: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy, it gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.

"...I have my pride. Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this." —Xander to Buffy and Willow on why he can't enter the talent show.

Principal Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, "discipline." I know Principal Flutie would have said, "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of woolly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.

Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed, and also smoking.

"So the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter and we're like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?" —Xander to Willow and Buffy, raising the possibility that Sid the dummy lied to them.

Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I'm safe.

Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?
Xander: What's the square root of eight hundred and forty-one?
Willow: Twenty-nine. Oh yeah.


Buffy: Did you find anything?
Giles: I don't know.
Buffy: You don't know if you didn't find anything?
Giles: I can't read.
Buffy: What do you mean? You can read, like, three languages.
Giles: Five, actually, on a normal day.

Giles: The boy's been in a coma for a week. How can this be possible?
Buffy: What am I, Knowledge Girl now? Explanations are your terrain.

Giles: Somehow, I think he's crossed over from the nightmare world he's trapped in.
Xander: And he brought the nightmare world with him. Thanks a bunch, Billy!
Willow: How could he do that?
Giles: Things like that are easier when you live on a Hellmouth.

Buffy: I'm glad you showed up. You see, I'm having a really bad day.
The Ugly Man: Lucky Nineteen.
Buffy: Scary. I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.

Billy (waking up and looking at Buffy and the others): I had the strangest dream. And you were in it, and you....Who are you people?

Invisible Girl

Cordelia: Behold the weirdness.

Principal Snyder: There are no dead students here...this week.

Buffy: And monsters don't usually send messages. It's pretty much crush, kill, destroy.

Willow: How'd she get it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch.
Xander: Hmm, Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods.
[everyone looks at him]
Xander: Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!

Xander: Oh, hey, do you want to come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place.
Willow: Xander, do you guys even have a stove?

Cordelia: Buffy, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers...well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down....
Willow: Nausea?

Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Mrs. Miller; she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch, and Harmony...this is all about me! Me, me, me!
Xander: Wow, for once she's right.

Cordelia: Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight.
Xander: Can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities?

Cordelia: If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me.

Buffy: Y'know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony!

Prophecy Girl

Buffy: Giles, care. I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest. You could go, "hmm."
Giles: Hmm?

Buffy: Wow. That was boring.
Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it.
Buffy: No, boring falls short.
Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.
Buffy: Don't say that.
Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?

Ms. Calendar: I would say the end is pretty seriously nigh.

Cordelia: Willow, I really like your outfit.
Willow: No, you don't.
Cordelia: No, I really don't, but I need a favor.

Willow: How'd it go?
Xander: On a scale of one to ten? It sucked.

Buffy: Then what happened?
Joyce: I met your father.
Buffy: He didn't have a date either?
Joyce: He did, and that's a much funnier story that you will not get to hear.

Ms. Calendar: It's kind of warm and fuzzy for a message of doom.

Xander: How could you let her go?
Giles: As the soon-to-be purple area on my jaw will attest, I did not "let" her go!

Xander: I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.
Angel: You're in love with her.
Xander: Aren't you?

Master: Welcome.
Buffy: Thanks for having me. You know, you really ought to talk to your contractor. Looks like you've got some water damage.
Master: Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight.

Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck! I saw that!
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck!
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.

Master: Come forth, my child. Come into my world.
Buffy: I don't think it's yours just yet.
Master: You're dead!
Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
Master: You were destined to die. It was written!
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.

Giles: Buffy?
Buffy: Oh, sorry. It's just...been a really weird day.
Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything.
Willow: Wow. Harsh.
Giles: I should have known that wouldn't stop you.
Ms. Calendar: Well, what do we do now?
Giles: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore.
Xander: Hey, I hear there's a dance at the Bronze tonight. Could be fun.
Cordelia: Yeah!
Willow: Buffy?
Buffy: Sure. We saved the world, I say we party. I mean, I got all pretty.

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