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Season 5

Buffy vs. Dracula

Xander (watching Buffy and Riley, who are playing football): I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running.... Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.

Buffy: Where's my burger?
Riley: Yeah, man, I'm starving. Cow me.
Xander: The, uh, fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of a caveman.
Willow (gestures at fire): Ignis incende. [The logs burst into flame.]
Buffy: Willow, check you out! Witch-fu.

Willow (to Giles): It's just, you've been Mr. Project all summer. You know? Labeling the amulets and indexing your diaries. I draw the line at making giant rubber band balls. That's when you'll just have to get a life.

Giles: We're doing all this because I, I want you and the others to have everything you need at your fingertips. You see, I'm, I'm going back to England.
Willow: You're...what? But you can't! You're...Buffy's Watcher! ...I mean, in a fired way, but...

Willow: Xand...what if somebody had a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone.
Xander: News flash, Will. Everybody knows.
Willow: No, thi-this isn't about me and Tara.
Xander: Oh.

Buffy: So lemme get this straight. You're... [in Dracula's accent] "Dracula." The guy, the count.
Dracula: I am.
Buffy: And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? 'Cause...I've fought more than a couple of pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat.
Dracula (looking annoyed): You know who I am. As I would know without question that you are Buffy Summers.
Buffy: You're heard of me?
Dracula: Naturally. You're known throughout the world.
Buffy (smiling bashfully): Naw. Really?
Dracula: Why else would I come here? For the sun? I came to meet the renowned...killer.
Buffy: Yeah, I prefer the term slayer. You know, killer just sounds so...
Dracula: Naked?
Buffy: Like I...paint clowns or something. I'm the good guy, remember?

Buffy: I told you he'd heard of me, right? I mean, can you believe that? Count Famous heard of me.
Riley: I couldn't believe it the first twenty times you told us, but it's starting to sink in now.

Tara: You thought Dracula was sexy?
Willow: Oh! No. He, he was...yuck.
Anya: Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing? Yucko.
Xander: How would you know?
Anya: Well, we hung out a few times. Back in my demon days, you know, once or twice. He's pretty cool. [sighs wistfully, then remembers herself] You know, from, from a whole...evil thing perspective.

Xander: Yes! Yes! I will serve you, your excellent spookiness. Or master. I'll just stick with master.
Dracula: You are strange and off-putting. Go now.

Riley: What can you tell me about Dracula?
Spike: Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me eleven pounds, for one thing.

Joyce (about Dracula): He seemed so nice and normal. A little pale.
Willow: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes.

Xander: Master? I deliver the slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry, whom.

Riley: I've lived in Sunnydale a couple of years now. Know what I've never noticed before?
Giles: Uh, a castle?
Riley: A big honking castle.

Xander: Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects, and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey.
Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
Riley: It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here.
Giles: I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.
Riley: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?

Real Me

Dawn: I could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers...but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even.

Dawn: If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.

Riley: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Riley. [she leaves]
Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit.
Buffy: Mm-hmm.
Riley: Besides, "I'm here to violate your firstborn" never goes over with parents. Not sure why.

Riley: Now it's my turn to be surprised. I thought we had plans today.
Buffy: Plans? We planned plans?
Riley: Well, you said, uh, "come over tomorrow and we'll hang," and then I said, "OK." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.

Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so...old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time. So he's gotta be pretty far gone.

Giles (driving his new car): Blast!
Buffy: You put it in neutral again, huh?
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this sitting here, not contributing. No, i-it's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.

Giles: Which begs the question, what kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap tasteless statuary?

Harmony: Okay, hi. First of all, I wanna thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magic shop last night. [she applauds] Good job, minions! Yes, you deserve it. Secondly…somebody remembered to pick me up the sweetest little unicorn! [holds up the ceramic unicorn and smiles at Brad. The other vamps stare at him.]
Brad (whispering to other vamps): What?
Harmony: Brad, guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade.
Brad (to other vamps): I—I had to get her something. She sired me.
Peaches: Sire-whipped.

Xander (holding a pizza): Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big.

Dawn (voiceover): Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people.
Anya: Hello there, little girl.
Dawn (voiceover): Even when he should.

Buffy: So then my mom goes off on me about how I'm supposed to watch out for Dawn and make sure that she's shielded from something that might upset her.
Riley: Like dead shopkeepers.
Buffy: She didn't see him! A foot, maybe. A dead foot, which is bad, okay, but hello, I see dead stuff all the time, and you don't see Mom shielding me.
Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a slayer, and shield you from it at the same time.
Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.

Riley: Uh-uh. Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing.

Riley: You have superpowers...and college...a studly, yet sensitive boyfriend.

Anya (playing Life): Oh, crap. Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage...
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! [claps her hands in excitement] I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Dawn (to Harmony): Shut up!
Xander: Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony!

Harmony: We're gonna kill the slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.
Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.
Spike: What, Evil for Dummies?

Buffy: No. Not all better. I mean, it's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Especially the biggie! Numero one-oh. "Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our house."

Harmony: Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest...comfortable?
Mort: You told me to chain her to a wall.
Harmony: Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?

Harmony: So, Slayer. At last we meet.
Buffy: We've met, Harmony, you half-wit.

Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad...you suck.

Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer...and, have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

The Replacement

Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.

Buffy (watching a kung fu movie): Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba—see, now with the flying kick. [scornfully] From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?
Riley: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know?
Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and...invading all willy-nilly. And anyway, I mean, you know, you can't blame me for being critical. Willow's the same way when we watch a movie about witches, right, Xander?
Xander: What? Oh, yeah, she's all, like, "What's that? A cauldron? Who uses a cauldron anymore?"

Willow: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. And we'll walk down the hall and say, "La, la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.

Buffy (asking Giles about his conflict with Toth): How badly did you hurt him?
Giles: Well, hurt, uh...maybe not...hurt.
Willow: Well, I-I'm sure he was startled.
Giles: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.
Buffy: He ran away, huh?
Giles: Um, sort of more...uh...turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.
Buffy: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
Giles (insulted): Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

Xander: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" symphony?

Giles: Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a Toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
Giles: No, Toth is the name of the demon.

Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
Riley: People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
Willow: I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so...no.

Spike (to Toth, about Buffy): Big guy! Kick her ass!

Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to...zee other axe.

Joyce: This must be my two-teenage-girls-in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar.
Buffy: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
Dawn: I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
Buffy: But part of it is Dawn's.
Joyce: It's so nice you've learned to share.

Xander: Welcome to payback, Mr. Evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.

Manager: I'm sure you'll like the building....I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
Suave Xander: Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and...go with it.

Willow: What's goin' on?
Scruffy Xander: Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It, it's more like a really nice hovel.

Xander: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.

Anya: I'm dying. I may have as few as 50 years left.

Giles: I said, "Oh dear lord!"
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well, it's always important.

Buffy: What number am I thinking?
Riley: I don't think that's gonna do it.
Xanders (in unison): Eleven and a half.
Buffy: Wrong. Oh! But see?

Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and...we can all have sex together, and...you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Suave Xander: She's joking.
Scruffy Xander: No, she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is...wrong, and, and it would be very confusing.
Giles: Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.

Anya: What'll we do if this doesn't work?
Xanders (in unison): Kill us both, Spock! [They look at each other and laugh delightedly]
Buffy: They're...kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Out of My Mind

Riley: Hey, hope I didn't get in the way.
Buffy: Of course not. I-I was just...startled. And, you know I don't...love the idea of you patrolling alone.
Riley: Not much for bench-warming.
Buffy: No, you made the squad. You...threw that vampire like he was a...teeny-weeny little vampire.
Riley: Hey, wanna go again? Come on, I bet this place is just teeming with aerodynamic vampires.

Buffy: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies—you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe.
Willow: Aw, poor Buffy's brain.

Willow (looking around the magic shop): Ooh. Are these real newt eyes?
Giles: No, too...rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes, it's the...cataracts which give them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though; it's...just a matter of overcoming snobberies.
Xander: I'm telling you, Giles. You gotta set up a blind taste test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good.
Willow: I don't know. If you ask me, the newt name still means something.

Buffy (to Giles, looking at the new training room): You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all wrapped up into one. Q from Bond, not Star Trek.

Spike: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?

Harmony: Is it safe? Has Buffy gotten to you yet? I saw her patrolling just now...with a stake! She won't give up until she's killed me to death!
Spike (skeptical): Buffy's looking for you.
Harmony: Of course! That's why I'm on the lam. Didn't you hear? I'm totally her arch-nemesis!
Spike: Is that right. I must have missed the memo.
Harmony: There was a mem—? Spike, oh my god! This is like a real emergency!

Spike: I guess you're gonna have to kill her.
Harmony: I tried! It was all hard and stuff. You do it.
Spike: I'd love to, but I can't. Remember? I've got this cute little government chip in my head.
Harmony: Oh, right. Guess it'll have to be me after all. Can you help with the thinking?

Spike: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Only three.
Spike: Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh my god. Someone's Blondie Bear is a 20-questions genius!

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there. That nasty little face, that bouncing, shampoo-commercial hair. That whole holier-than-thou attitude.
Harmony: Well, aren't we kind of unholy by...

No Place Like Home

Buffy (taking the orb out of her bag): I put this before the group. What the hell is it?
Giles: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
Willow: How can you tell?
Giles: Well, it's so shiny.

Ben: You know, not to be rampantly sexist in the workplace, but you've got some serious muscles for a girl.
Buffy: I...um...
Ben: Radioactive spider bite.
Buffy: How'd you guess?

Giles: Did you see that? Customers! Real, live customers! They came in and I gave them things and they gave me money and then they left! It's brilliant!
Willow: Congratulations. You're an official capitalist running dog.

Anya (wrapping up a woman's purchase and handing it to her): Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeeper's Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "please go" just got replaced with "have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.

Buffy: Someone put a spell on my mom. Something to make it seem like she's sick.
Xander: That's a new kind of nasty. Any suspects?
Buffy: Well, I've got the list narrowed down to just under infinity.

Buffy: ...and the ritual itself is—
Riley: Something you do alone. You sure this isn't just your way of trying to make me feel less—what are the words?—cute and weak and kittenish?
Buffy: Kitteny.
Riley: Right. Much manlier. Look... I really am okay.

Buffy: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike (counting the words on his fingers): Out...for...a...walk...bitch.
Buffy: Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.
Spike: On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts...and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.
Buffy: Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.
Spike: Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess...you won't kill me? Wooo...the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and...and you have stupid hair.

Family

Giles: People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs.
Buffy: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
Giles: Well, I saw myself in more of a...patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling.

Giles: Come up with anything yet?
Xander: Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomie's...but, I think I want me to have it.
Giles: And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know...the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: Bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.

Buffy: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going?
Dawn: I'm going to Melinda's for dinner.
Buffy: Since when?
Dawn: Now-ish.
Buffy: You can't. I-it's not safe for you to walk there.
Dawn: It's just across the street. What is the big deal, I'm just gonna go—
Buffy: No. It's family night. And besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that...short.
Dawn: I am so glad you're moving back into the house. This is the source of my gladness. [she stalks off]
Buffy: She makes me crazy.
Riley: That's...kinda the word I was searching for.
Buffy: What? She shouldn't be going over there.
Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud.

Beth: Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon.
Anya (raising her hand): E-excuse me. What kind?
Beth: What?
Anya: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society.
Beth: Well, I-I...what does it matter?
Mr. Maclay: Evil is evil.
Anya: Well, let's just narrow it down.

Fool For Love

Riley: Hey, Mrs. Summers. How're you feeling?
Joyce: I'm fine, bordering on chipper and tomorrow planning on being obnoxious.

Dawn: Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on, who's the man?
Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man.

Dawn: When do I get to patrol?
Buffy: Not until you're never.

Angelus: You've got me and my women hiding in the luxury of a mine shaft, all because William the Bloody likes the attention. This is not a reputation we need.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I sully our good name? We're vampires.

Shadow

Anya: That's what I've been saying. I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!

Anya: You sold someone a Khul's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone.
Giles: Yes, I believe I did.
Anya: Are you stupid or something?
Giles: Allow me to answer that question with a firing.

Listening to Fear

Willow: Care package! Special delivery for the Summers girls. Now, let's see what I have in this sack of mine. Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger and female and, well, Jewish.

Buffy (to Willow, who has just given Dawn a book): You got her a book on spells. The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to...break things by looking at them?

Willow: Oh, Buffy—I have this for you. [she pulls out a large textbook called "World History" and gives it to Buffy]
Buffy: Homework? [pouts] Oh. I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa any more.

Willow: We're doing World War One now. The last exam was really pretty easy, just underlying causes and trench foot.

Riley: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about last time. Heard I missed out on some fun.
Xander: Oh, yeah, fun was had. Also frolic, merriment, and near-death hijinks.

Willow (looking at the broken meteorite): Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and...slithered away to do badness.
Giles: In all fairness, we don't really know about the slithered part.
Anya: Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.

Riley: Oh, that might be toxic, don't touch it.
Xander: Oh yeah, touching it was my first impulse. Luckily I've moved on to my second, which involves dry-heaving and running like hell.

Xander (looking at a model of a solar system): Look at how teeny Mercury is compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name—
Giles: Xander, please, we have work to do here.
Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. [pause] I did not say that.

Into the Woods

Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this [she puts chopsticks into her mouth so they stick out like very long fangs] and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling,"I'm the slayer, I'm going to get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly.
Dawn: No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know.
Xander: Buffy's pretty cool like that.

Anya: Oh. Who ordered more chickens' feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: I'm serious. Maybe we could do a...holiday promotion. One free with every purchase!
Giles: Oh, yeah. [nostalgically] Dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas...chicken feet.
Willow: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep. Painting their little toenails. [Willow and Giles laugh]
Anya: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private. "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."

Anya (to the gang): Have a nice day! Don't get killed.

Triangle

Anya: Hmm. Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah. The next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you start going "my goodness, young lady...maybe you're doing something wrong here too."

Buffy (to Giles): It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as...you could throw them.

Willow: We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens...but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said "quirky."

Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Ooh! But I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.

Spike (getting bumped by Olaf): Hey, watch it, mate. [he sees he's talking to a huge troll] On second thought, do what you like.

Xander (about Olaf the troll): I'm gonna run and get Buffy. [pats Spike on the shoulder] Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

Willow: Xander's my best friend!
Anya: Oh, and you don't want anyone else to have him. I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
Willow: No it was not! Well, yes it was so, but...that was a long time ago. Do you think I'd do that again?
Anya: Why not?
Willow: Well, hello, gay now.

Anya: How can I help?
Willow: Uh, distract him from Buffy, uh, piss him off.
Anya: I don't know how.
Willow: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.

Olaf (to Buffy): What are you fighting for, minuscule blonde one?

Buffy: Where did you send him?
Anya: The land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.
Willow: It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like...like...trying to hit a...puppy, by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.
Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday...or the crazy melty land...or, you know, the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp? [Willow looks at her] I'm allergic.

Checkpoint

Buffy (about Rasputin): I, uh, about, you know, killing him...you know, they, they poisoned him and, and they beat him and they shot him, and he didn't die.
Professor: Until they rolled his body in a carpet and drowned him in a canal.
Buffy: But there are reported sightings of him as late as the 1930s, aren't there?
Professor: I can assure you there is near consensus in the academic community regarding the death of Rasputin.
Buffy: There was also near consensus about Columbus, you know, until someone asked the Vikings what they were up to in the 1400s, and they're like, "discovering this America-shaped continent."

Jinx: Oh, not me, the magnificent Glory. She wants. She wants more information on the Slayer, she...knows you know her.
Ben: The Slayer? I don't know any Slayer. Get away from me, you shouldn't be here.
Jinx: Oh, I believe you do, sir. She's short, symmetrical, hair on top?

Giles: It's a power play, that's what it is. It's about who has the power.
Buffy: I'm guessing they do? Big power outage in Buffy county?
Giles: I should have set you loose on them, that's what I should have done.
Buffy: Giles, that Travers guy is like sixty. I can't hit him. Can I?
Giles: I suppose not. Well, I could. I think I will.

Spike: Come on in. There's plenty of blood in the fridge.
Dawn: Do you mean like, real blood?
Spike: What do you think?
Dawn: Mostly I think "ew."

Joyce (to Spike): I, I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place.

Watcher: I, uh, I...don't want a sword thrown at me, but, but, civilians, I—we're talking about children.
Buffy (looking at the Scoobies): We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Anya: Willow's a demon?!
Philip: The boy? No power there.
Buffy: The boy has clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit.
Willow (whispering to Xander): That's Riley-speak.
Xander (whispering back, with a big grin): I've clocked field time.

Blood Ties

Giles (about Glory): Uh, usually, yes, but um, being in human form must be severely limiting her powers. All we have to worry about right now is she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane.

Dawn: Geez! Lurk much?
Spike: I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.

Buffy: Maybe it's time to start a new tradition. Birthdays without boyfriends. It could be just as much fun.
Willow: Preaching to the choir here, baby.

Ben (about Glory): What is she going to do? Send a six-pack of minions to bore me to death?

Buffy: What did you do to her?
Willow: Teleportation spell. Still working out the kinks.
Buffy: Where'd you send her?
Willow: Don't know. That's one of the kinks.

Crush

Spike: Bleedin' crime, is what it is. Jackin' up the bar price to pay for fixin' up this sinkhole. Not my fault insurance doesn't cover act of troll.

Anya (about Spike): Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings.
Xander: And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. [ponders] You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice.

Buffy: You don't know what you mean! You don't know what feelings are!
Spike: I damn well do! I lie awake every night!
Buffy: You sleep during the day!

Joyce: Honey, did you...somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
Buffy: Well, I...I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.

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