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Buffy (trying to pick classes): "Introduction to the Modern
Novel?" I'm guessing I'd probably have to read the modern novel.
Willow: Maybe more than one.
Buffy: I like books. I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an introduction to the modern blurb?
Girl: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Buffy: Uh, you know I meant to and then I just got really busy...
Willow: It's just in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening upyou know?and letting this place thrust into and spurt knowledge into....That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
Buffy: Speaking of slack, have you heard anything from Xander?
Willow: Not for awhile, he's still on his cross-country-see-America thing. He said he wasn't coming back until he had driven to all fifty states.
Buffy: Did you explain about Hawaii?
Willow: Oh, he seemed so determined.
Buffy: Can't wait till Mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.
Riley: I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion...
Unskinny Vamp: Does this sweater make me look fat?
Sunday: No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple.
Xander: Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you
can't let it control you. "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate
leads to anger." No wait, hold on. "Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the
dark side." Hold on, no, umm, "First you get the women, then you get the
money, then you..." okay, can we forget that?
Buffy: Thanks for the Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
Xander: You up for a little reconnaissance?
Buffy: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
Xander: No, that was the Renaissance.
Buffy: Oh. I've had a really long week. Let's go look at the house.
Sunday: Say, don't I know you from...beating the crap out of you?
Willow: How can you be so calm?
Oz: Long, arduous hours of practice.
Xander: Do we hug?
Oz: I think we're too manly.
Willow: What's the prank?
Xander (trying to explain in front of Buffy's out-of-the-loop roommate): Prank? Oh, the room. Well some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke, and they took her stuff. And now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.
Willow: Oh! Those friends!
Oz: Funny guys.
Buffy: Did you just hear something?
Willow: I'm chewing my gum kinda loud.
Buffy: That's not it.
Willow: My sneakers are squeaky.
Buffy: I'm looking for something lurky here, Will.
Willow: Oh. [pauses to listen] Sorry, no.
Giles (coming back from a jog): Hello.
Buffy: You run?
Giles: And jump. And bend. And, occasionally, frolic.
Giles: What sort of demon?
Buffy: Umm, had a cloak on, and glowing green eyes, and skin had a, like, super-bad fake rub-on tan.
Giles: Thank you.
Buffy (describing her dream): So then after the scorpion,
the demon opened my mouth and sucked some kind of weird light out of
me. A-and the worst part? I wake up and there's Kathy, staring at me like
I'm some kind of freak.
Oz: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat.
Willow: Me too, I would vote for that too.
Buffy: ...so then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like,
"Oh yeah? Share this!" [she punches at the air]
Oz: So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.
Buffy: She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer. [she
brings her foot down onto a bench, breaking it in two] She's...other
really bad things.
Oz: On the plus side you've killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
The Harsh Light of
Devon: That was like the best set ever. We'll do great in LA. We're
gonna have them glued to their seats.
Willow: Uh, Devon. Aren't they supposed to dance?
Oz: Well, we can glue them to the dance floor.
Devon: I didn't mean with real glue. You got that right?
Willow: Harmony, hey. I haven't seen you since
Harmony: Since graduation. Big snake, huh?
Parker: I'm not doing the deep "get sympathy" routine. I mean,
don't you just hate guys who are all "I'm dark and brooding so give me
Buffy: I don't think I've ever met that type.
Spike: This gem is everything I came back to Sunnydale for, which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass.
Xander: Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us.
Spike: The gem of Amarra. Official sponsor of my killing you.
Buffy: Parker said it's okay to make mistakes. It was sweet.
Willow: No, it wasn't. He was saying that so you would take a chance and sleep with him. He's a poop head.
Buffy: You're right. He's manipulative and shallow. And why doesn't he want me? Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me you would tell me, right?
Willow: I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second.
Buffy: Maybe Parker and I could still work it out. Do you think we could still work it out?
Willow: I think you're missing something about this whole poop head principal.
Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumpkin. Grow up in the sun, happily entwined with others, and then someone comes along, cuts you open, and rips your guts out.
Xander: People, prepare to have your spines tingled and your gooses
bumped by the terrifying...Fantasia. Fantasia?
Oz: Maybe it's 'cause of all the horrifying things we've seen, but hippos wearing tutus just don't unnerve me the way they used to.
Willow: Where's supportive boyfriend guy?
Oz: Oh, he's picking up your dry-cleaning, but he told me to tell you he's afraid you're going to get hurt.
Buffy: I'm taking a holiday from dealing. Happily vacationing in the land of not coping.
Frat Boy Josh: Halloween isn't about thrills, chills, and funny
costumes; it's about getting laid.
Frat Boy Edward: Is there any holiday that's not about getting laid?
Frat Boy Josh: Arbor Day.
Buffy (staring at Giles): Oh...my...god.
Giles: It's a sombrero.
Buffy: And it's on your head.
Buffy (meeting up with Willow and Oz): Will. Medieval
Xander: Hail, ye olde...varletty...thou.
Willow: Im Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, and plus she had that close relationship with God.
Xander (to Oz): And you are?
[Oz pulls his jacket open to reveal a nametag with "God" on it.]
Xander: Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could have been God.
Giles: We're gonna have to create a door.
Anya: Create a door.You can do that?
Giles (holding a chainsaw): I can.
Xander (taunting the fear demon): Who's the little fear
demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles: No, it's just...tacky.
Xander: Au contraire, mon frère.
Buffy: Mon frère means brother.
Xander: Mon girl-frère.
Willow (regarding Xander's fake ID): I don't believe this is
entirely on the up and up.
Xander: What gives it away?
Willow: Looking at it.
Willow: Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.
Willow (about Parker): He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today, we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.
Wild at Heart
Giles: You saved Willow.
Buffy: Right now she wishes I hadn't. Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words.
Giles: You've...you've felt that way yourself, and you got through it.
Buffy: Yeah. I ran away and went to hell and then got through it. I'm kind of hoping she doesn't use me as a model.
Forrest: Professor? You with me?
Riley: No. I'm with this large pile of ungraded papers, due at 3:00.
Forrest: How are you gonna learn anything if you keep doing schoolwork?
Forrest: Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot?
Riley: She's Buffy.
Forrest: Buffy. I like that. [dramatically] The girl's so hot, she's buffy.
Riley: That's her name, Forrest.
Riley (about Buffy): There's definitely something off about
Graham: Maybe she's Canadian.
Xander: Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a
few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem,
mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.
Giles (pauses to contemplate): A wee bit unethical.
Xander: How's Will dealing
Buffy: With the black hole of despair she's been living in since Oz left? She's dealing. I'm helping. It's hard. Ergo party.
Buffy: Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.
Vampire: They starve you. When you're ready to bite your own arm,
they shoot out one of those packets. You drink, and the next thing, you're
gone. And that's when they do the experiments.
Spike: And, uh, they are? The government? Nazis? A major cosmetics company?
Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might
try showing some.
Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [she stalks off]
Walsh: I like her.
Riley: Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar?
Riley: I just didn't like hearing him [he pauses
thoughtfully] talk about Buffy that way. I think I...Well, I guess I
Forrest: You're kind of like a moron.
Riley: So, you...you knew that I had feelings for her.
Forrest: Everybody knows, man. Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy.
Riley: I'm always the last to know.
Riley: Hi. Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything really depressing.
Willow: Ok, say that I help, and you start a conversation. It goes
great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings
grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in
love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world's made for you two,
and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the
still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of
the human condition.
Riley: Yep, that's the plan.
Willow: I figured it was.
Willow: Why should I trust you?
Riley: Just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face.
Willow: I've seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars.
Xander: Every man faces this
moment. Here. Now. Watching. Waiting. For an unseen enemy that has no
face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought
might be your last.
Giles: Oh, shut up.
Willow (about Buffy): Ok, she's wearing the halter top with
sensible shoes. That means mostly dancing, light contact, but don't push
your luck. Heavy conversation's out of the question.
Riley: So what do I do?
Willow: Ask her to dance.
Riley: Right. Dance. Wait. No.
Willow: What's the matter?
Riley: I can't dance.
Willow: Then talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun. [pats him on the shoulder.]
Riley: The problem is, what kind of girl is gonna go out with a
guy who's acting all Joe Regular by day, and then turns all demon-hunter
Graham: Maybe a peculiar one?
Xander: Oh, wait, wait! Take this. [he gives her a flare
Buffy: A flare gun? Xander, if I find Spike, I'm staking him, not signalling ships at sea.
Buffy: It's a free campus. Who died and made you John Wayne?
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again.
[he leaps on her to bite her, but draws back immediately]
Spike: Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "Oh, you're like a sister to me," or, "Oh, you're such a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Spike: Thought about it.
Spike: Remember last year? You had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath.[gives her a sexy look]
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the bloodlust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmmm. I hate being obvious. Being all fangy and "Rrrr." Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could, yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me![paces around the room] I'm only a hundred and twenty-six!
Willow: You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? [makes a funny face] Or... [grabs a lamp and whacks him]
Buffy (staking a vampire): And they say one person can't make a difference.
Anya (discussing Thanksgiving): I love a ritual
Buffy: Not really a one of those.
Anya: To commemorate a past event you kill and eat an animal. A ritual sacrifice...with pie.
Willow: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear, so I'm
thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that
work much better with an ear in the mix.
Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you got there, Will.
Willow: You know, I don't think you want to help! You just want to slay the demon and go "la, la, la."
Giles: That's why I think we should all keep a level head at
Willow: And I happen to think that mine is the level head and yours is the one things would roll off of.
Spike (on his implant): I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.
Anya: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?
Angel: I'm not evil again. Why does everyone think that?
Willow: Angel's here to protect Buffy.
Angel: I haven't been evil for a long time!
Anya: What's he like when he is evil?
Spike (on conquering other nations): That's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it."
Buffy: I don't know. I really like being around him, you know? And
I think he cares about me...but...I just...feel like something's
Willow: He's not making you miserable?
Willow: The pain is not a friend.
Giles: Look, look, Spikewe have no intention of killing a
harmless...uh, creature...but we have to know what's been done to you. We
can't let you go until we're sure that you're...impotent
Giles: Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're...
Spike: You are one step away, missy.
Buffy (mock-innocent): Giles, help! He's going to scold me.
Willow: What about a truth spell? I'm not positive it would work on
a vampire, but we could try. Make him fess up?
Giles: A truth spell, of course. Why didn't I think of that?
Willow: 'Cause you had your hands full with the undead English Patient?
Willow: Drunk...I mean, that's such a-a strong word. Kind of a
guttural Anglo-Saxon word. Drunk.
Xander: Will, not loving the drowning of the sorrows.
Willow: Not drowningwading. A-a-and.. See? [she points to the beer bottle] Light. No big.
Buffy: No big? Anyone remember when Buffy had the fun beer-fest and went one-million years B.C.?
Xander: Sadly without the fuzzy bikini..
Anya: Off topic, Xander.
Xander: Right. Topic now.
Riley: The wedding. What wedding?
Buffy: My wedding! I'm getting marriedcan you believe it?
Riley: I don't think "no" is a strong enough word.
Xander: That's okay, momwe don't need any more snacks.
Anya: I liked those fruit roll-ups.
Xander: Shush, I thought she'd never clear out. Besides, just think of my lips as the fruit roll-ups of love. [pause] Okay, that was gross.
Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you
wanna be William the Bloody, or just Spike? 'Cause, either way, it's gonna
look majorly weird.
Spike: Where as the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: Maybe the demons have something to do with Giles being
Anya: Giles is blind?
(Xander walks over to Giles and starts waving his fingers in front of Giles' face)
Giles: Please stop whatever you're doing. You smell like fruit roll-ups.
Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
Spike (to Buffy): What are you lookin' at?
Buffy: The man I love.
(They kiss. A lot. Anya and Xander look a bit disgusted)
Xander: Can I be blind, too?
Riley: So what have you got going on for tonight?
Buffy: Oh, patrolling.
Buffy: Uh, petroleum.
Buffy: Uh huh.
Riley: Tonight you have crude oil.
Buffy: And homework. What about you?
Riley: Oh, you know, grading papers.
Buffy: Ah, that'll be fun.
Riley: Not petroleum fun, but it passes the time.
Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town and I'd like us to be
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Buffy: So not stellar, hunh?
Willow: Talk all talk blah blah Gaia blah blah moon menstrual lifeforce power thingy. You know, after a couple of sessions, I was hoping we would get into something real but...
Buffy: No actual witches in your witch group.
Willow: No, bunch of wanna blessed bes. You know nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.
Forrest: This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene never to use our unfair advantage. Thank God we're pretty.
Riley: But it's just...Buffy's special.
Forrest: You think she's special. Wow. The first 486 times you told me it didn't register but now I see that you think she's special.
Spike: Don't see why I have to be tied up.
Xander: It's just while I'm sleeping.
Spike: Like I'd bite you anyway.
Xander: Oh, you would.
Spike: Not bloody likely.
Xander: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
Spike: All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.
Xander: And don't you forget it.
Buffy: I'm the Slayer. [Riley looks blank] Slay-er. Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries. [he still looks blank] You're kidding me! Ask around. Look it up. Slayer, comma, The.
Buffy: I really thought that you were a nice, normal guy.
Riley: I am a nice, normal guy.
Buffy: Maybe by this town's standards, but I'm not grading on a curve.
Spike: Do I look like a plumber to you?
Xander: No, you look like a big mooch that doesn't lift a finger around here. But I have to get to work.
Spike: Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated.
Xander: Mock not. Remember who pays for the plasma around here, pal.
Willow: I was in the library during the quake, almost got buried under some 19th century literature. And I don't have to tell you how hard it is to dig through some of that stuff.
Willow: Well, Porter dorm is completely blacked out. So naturally
they are dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: "Aftershock
Buffy: Ah, this from the dorm that brought us the "Somebody Sneezed" party and the "Day That Ends in Y" party.
Buffy: Something horrible is going to happen, Giles.
Giles: It was an earthquake, Buffy. A not uncommon occurrence in southern California. No reason to think it was anything more.
Buffy: Oh, I so have a reason. A darn good reason. The last time we had an earthquake, I died.
Giles: Yes, I know thatandtherefore I completely understand your anxiety.
Buffy: Oh, good. Because I'd hate for my little untimely horrible death concern to be ambiguous.
Buffy: What if the quake was a sign? Aa bad omen and we just ignore it? There's going to be a lot of red faces when the world comes to an end.
Xander (to Spike): That's it! I am way past due with you. I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you're not the big bad anymore, you're not even the kind of naughty.
Buffy: Wow. I wasn't sure where the party was, and then I saw the flashing lights and the ambulance, and I was like "right, of course! Death, carnageit's a Buffy party!"
Forrest: Yes already, she's cool, she's hot, she's tepid, she's all-temperature Buffy.
Giles: It's the end of the world.
Buffy, Willow and Xander: Again?
Giles: It's ah, the earthquakethat symbolyes.
Buffy: I told you. I-I said end of the world and you're like "poo-poo southern California, poo-poo!"
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Buffy: Riley, I just...can't.
Riley: Can't talk?
Buffy: Can't any of it. I can't be with you. It's just a huge, black pit of a mistake and I can't go there again.
Riley: Again? You've dated me before?
Giles: A Vahrall demon.
Willow (looking over at his book): Eew!
Xander: I second that revulsion.
Giles: Ohas usualdear.
Spike: What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. That's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! [Xander and Willow stare at him] What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Come on! Vampires. Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justiceand forthe safety of puppies...and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
A New Man
Xander (while Spike packs up his things, including Xander's
radio): That's my radio!
Spike: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.
Anya: So, what kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Some place, you know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this. [referring to Xander's basement]
Anya: Heh. It's pretty depressing, isn't it?
Spike: I've known corpses with a fresher smell. In fact, I've been one.
Anya: Wait. [gets up and unplugs the lamp and brings it over to
him] I want to give you something for your new place.
Xander: That's my lamp.
Anya: A gift is traditional. I've read about it.
Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies we don't give them my lamp.
Walsh: It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry, and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.
Riley: Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending...I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself...needing to know the plural of "apocalypse."
Xander: Your better demons will clean up after themselves.
Giles: Ethan Rayne. You have no idea how much thrashing you is going to improve my day.
Ethan (drinking his beer): Brilliant! Now isn't this more
fun than kicking my ass?
Ethan: Oh. It's more fun for me.
Ethan (mock hurt): Oh, so crass. We used to be friends,
Ripper. When did all that fall apart?
Giles: The same time you started to worship chaos.
Giles (to Ethan): We've got to face it, we've changed. Well, not youyou're still sadistic and self-centered.
Giles: The world has passed us by. Someone snuck in and left us a couple of has-beens in our place. This Initiative, I mean, their methods may be causing problems, but they're getting the job done. Where am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
Spike (to demon Giles): Well. What do I spy with my little
eye? A demon. That would be...oh, right...the things I can kill.
Giles (turning around, fists up): Go on, then. Let's get on with the fightingyou understand me?
Spike: Of course I understand you.
Giles: I'm speaking English?
Spike: No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And...by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?
Giles: As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks to Ethan Rayne. You have to help me find him. He must undo this and then he needs a...good being killed.
Spike: And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?
Giles: Y-you help me and I-I don't kill you.
Spike: Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter.
Giles: Money. I could pay you money.
Spike: Oh, I like money. How much?
Riley: The demon attacked Professor Walsh. Got out of a small, gray
car. A Citroen.
Willow: It stole Giles' car.
Xander: Why would a demon steal a car?
Anya: Why would a demon steal that car?
Spike (to Giles, who has just accidentally smashed the window of the car): Oh, sure! Dismantle the getaway car. That'll scare them.
Spike: I can kill demons. I can crash cars. Things are looking up!
Ethan (pouting): I really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the "stay and gloat" that gets me every time.
The "I" in Team
Xander: Am I the only one with a big floating question mark over
his head about this Initiative thing?
Willow: Well, they do seem to fall into the "good guy" camp. I mean, they are anti-demon. [sees Anya's evil eye expression] Probably pro ex-demon.
Anya: Maybe. I choose to feel threatened.
Buffy: Tell me about your night.
Willow: Well, spent most of it at Xander's teaching Anya to play poker.
Buffy: That sounds like fun.
Willow: Yeah. Except the Anya part and the poker part.
Buffy (seeing the Initiative setup for the first time): I had no idea. This is incredible. But not that I thought it was some fly-by-night operation. Unless it is! I mean, can you guys fly? At night. With those jet-pack things, do you have those?
Willow (about the Initiative): There's a bunch of stuff
about them we still don't know.
Buffy: I know that. [pause] Like what?
Willow: Well, what's their ultimate agenda? I mean, okay, yeah, theythey neuter vampires and demons. But then what? Are they gonna reintegrate them into society? Get them jobs as bagboys at Wal-Mart?
Buffy: Does Wal-Mart have bagboys?
Willow: Plus, don't forget that "314" thing that Ethan told Giles about.
Buffy: Well, a man that worships chaos and tries to kill you is a man you can trust.
Buffy: Professor Walsh. That simple little recon you sent me on...wasn't a raccoon. Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.
Giles: It will be dark soon. I think it will be wise for you to
Spike: I'm not going anywhere. Not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.
Xander: Sure. Just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.
Spike: Do you think that would work?
Spike: Gotta hand it to you, Goldilocks. You do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I got a cousin married to a regurgitating Frovalox demon that's got better instincts than you.
Xander: That's why they call it the "secret forces," Will. 'Cause they kinda keep the whole lying thing to themselves.
Buffy: Okay, everybody grab a weapon. We gotta move.
Xander: And storm the Initiative? [bravado] Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander (relieved): Oh, thank God.
Buffy (introducing Spike to Riley): This is Spike. He's,
uh....It's a really long story. But he's not bad anymore.
Spike: Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad! It's just...I can't bite anymore. Thanks to you wankers.
Anya (to Buffy): And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. [pause] You can't have Xander.
Buffy (to Dr. Angleman): Now, I don't generally like to kill humans, but I've learned that it pays to be flexible in life.
Buffy: Spell it out for me. I feel an attack of "dumb blonde" coming on.
Willow (about Adam): He's really that big of a threat?
Buffy: I could barely fight him. I-it was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast. He gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.
Willow: There's gotta be a flaw.
Buffy: I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.
This Year's Girl
Riley: Me too. Heylook, I know my behavior was pretty out
Willow: Forget it. Tell you what. You two crazy kids take down an unstoppable killer cyborg-demon-hybrid thingy and, uh, we'll call it all even.
Tara (to Willow): You said "recon." You're, like, cool monster fighter.
Willow: Don't worry, we're sure to spot Faith first. She's like
this cleavagy slutbomb walking around going [mocking tone] "Ooh,
check me out, I'm wicked cool, I'm five by five."
Tara: Five by five? Five what by five what?
Willow: See, that's the thing. No one knows.
Buffy: It's a long story.
Riley: I'm from Iowa. We drive four hours for a high school football game. Try me.
Who Are You?
Faith-in-Buffy: I forgot how much you don't like Faith.
Willow: After what she's done to you? Oh, I wish those council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her. [pause]If I was larger and had grenades.
Xander: I believe that's my "hey."
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith-in-Buffy (cheerfully): 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well...yeah, that covers a lot of it.
Willow (to Tara): I can't believe you've never been here. The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of-of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Bergen's came in second.
Buffy-in-Faith: Don't move. Okay. Giles, y-you have to listen to me
very carefully. I'm not Faith.
[Looking for an escape route, Giles slowly inches towards the hallway.]
Giles: 'Cause the resemblance is striking.
Buffy-in-Faith: I know. Giles, you just have to [sees his subtle movement] Stop inching! [sounding hurt] You were inching!
Giles: Look, I-I know what you're going to say, and-and, uh
Buffy-in-Faith: I'm Buffy.
Giles: [pause] All right, I didn't know what you were going to say. But that doesn't make you any less crazy.
Buffy-in-Faith (trying to prove she's Buffy): Ask me a
question. Ask me anything.
Giles: Who's president?
Buffy-in-Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.
Xander: I think we did great. We knocked 'em dead. Which they
Willow: We knocked 'em deader!
Anya: They weren't very well organized. If they had all rushed at Buffy they could have killed her right away.
Buffy: Thanks, Anya. That won't keep me awake all night.
Spike: I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from "wonder
Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens."
Buffy: Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend not being able to bite people?
Willow: Next thing I know this crazed vamp is like running right
at me and I know if it gets past me there's no telling who's in danger
Tara: Come on, you have fun. Admit itliving the scooby life.
Willow: I was going for a kind of stoic bravery, but yeah.
Vampire (to Adam): Well, you're the evil messiah guy, so...
Buffy: Does it every seem just a little strange that Jonathan is
so good at everything?
Anya (shrugs): He's Jonathan.
Buffy: Anya, he fights better than I do. And I'm the Slayer. [points to herself] The Slayer! That's supposed to mean something, right?
Anya: Oh, buck up, you. [she punches Buffy in the arm] You kill the best. [she makes rah rah gestures] Go you. Kill, kill.
Buffy: Actually not needing validation right now, but thank you.
Riley: These spells...these really work? I mean, can you really
turn your enemies inside out? Or...learn to excrete gold coins?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right. You can't just go "librum incendere" and expect...
[the page of Xander's book bursts into flame. Shocked, he slams the book closed, extinguishing the fire.]
Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
Buffy: Jonathan, you get why everyone is angry, though, right? It's
not just the monster. People didn't like being the little actors in your
sock puppet theater.
Jonathan: You weren't! You weren't socks! We were friends.
Where the Wild Things
Giles: There's always been great discord between them. And yet you
say that the, the vampire went to the demon's aid. The two of them were
working as a team?
Buffy: Everything except giving each other little pats on the behind.
Anya: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my
thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much
Spike (wistfully): You know...you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like, "I wish I'd appreciated it more." Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?
Xander (reading trophy inscription): "Lowell
Xander: Um, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local history. Or my knowledge of reading.
Julie (friendly teasing): You didn't even have to sound anything out.
Xander: You should see me add short columns of small numbers.
[Spike and Anya entering the party together. Spike stares at a
Spike: Hey...I know these guys from somewhere.
Anya: Initiative soldiers. They live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house. [Spike beginning to look nervous and angry] It's where they kept you, put in your chip. Let's have fun!
Spike (angry): What are you doing? You brought me here?
Xander: Anya? What are you doing? [pointing at Spike] You brought him here?
Spike: That's what I said! Only I hit the "here" part.
Willow: Xander. Ghost boy. Drowning in a tub. I, I tried to save
him, but, being a ghost already, well, I was way too late.
Xander: A ghost? [Willow nods] What's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? And if so, why do people keep coming to these parties? 'Cause it's not the snacks.
[Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara are watching Giles sing and play guitar,
Giles (singing): To be fated...
Xander: Um, could we go back to the haunted house? 'Cause this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
Xander: What do you feel?
Anya: Sad, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry.
Xander: I meant about the house.
Anya: Oh. Still haunted.
Buffy: He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't ...gotten so wrapped
up in each other, none of this would've happened.
Anya: True. Feel shame.
Xander: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau.
New Moon Rising
Giles: So the activity's shifted but not stopped. That's
Anya: To an extremely bored person, maybe.
Spike (skeptical): Yeah...the thing about the Slayer is...she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win.
Spike: This all goes down, the chip comes out, yeah? No
Adam: Scout's honor.
Spike: You were a Boy Scout?
Adam: Parts of me.
Giles: How did you get in?
Spike: Door was unlocked. You might wanna watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in.
Buffy: Or someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying.
Buffy: Talk later. Stealthy escape now.
Buffy: Stay back...or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader
Xander: You'll bore him to death with free prose?
The Yoko Factor
Spike: The Slayer's dangerous is all I'm saying.
Adam: Yes. She makes things interesting.
Spike: No. See? You're not getting it, Mr. Bits. You're gonna be interestingly dead. Little Miss Tiny's got a habit of bollixing up the plans of every would-be unstoppable bad-ass who sets foot in this town.
Spike (to Adam): I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins. If he was a big scary...Frankenstein-looking [reconsiders] You're exactly like Tony Robbins.
Riley: I take it you're not an Angel fan either?
Xander: Well, it's not like I hate the guy. Just, you know...the guts part of him.
Spike: It's nothing I know. What, you think I'd come running over saying, "I've got a secret, beat me till I talk?"
Forrest: Don't shoot.
Buffy: Give me a reason not to?
Forrest: You're killing humans now?
Buffy: Not yet. Beating you senseless should do just fine.
Willow: Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie.
Riley (about Angel): Even when he's good he's all Mister...Billowy Coat King of Pain
Buffy: Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from
Xander: Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.
Willow: And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical, yet...gross.
Xander: Does anybody else miss the Mayor, "I just wanna be a big snake"?
Giles: Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the
incantation for this.
Willow: Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?
Giles: I do speak Sumerian. It's not that. Only a...an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of this object.
Xander: See what you get for takin' French instead of Sumerian?
Buffy: What was I thinking?
Xander: No way. I'm full of that good old kamikaze spirit.
Giles: Xander, just because this is never gonna work, there's no need to be negative.
Colonel: Everything in this installation is under 24-hour
Willow: Including the secret lab?
Colonel: Including everything! [pause] What secret lab?
Giles: Well, it appears she's never heard the fable about
Olivia: Which one is that?
Giles: The, the one about the fox, and the, uh, less patient fox.
Spike (to Giles): Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes?
Bald man: I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.
Giles: Honestly, you meet the most appalling sorts of people.
Computer voice: The demons have escaped. Please run for your
Adam: This could be trouble.
Riley: We better make a fort.
Adam: I'll get some pillows.
Tara: The Slayer does not walk in this world.
Buffy: I walk. I talk. I shop, I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out. And I don't sleep on a bed of bones.
Giles: Somehow our joining with...Buffy and...invoking the essence
of the, the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that
Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Giles: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.
Joyce: I'm, uh, guessing I missed some fun?
Willow: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
Joyce: Oh, you want some hot chocolate?
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