dreams: September 30, 1998

who's not a lesbian?

I'm on the beach with friends. Sue Bouman and Cedar are here. It turns out that they're a couple, even though Sue still has a serious relationship with a man. I never knew that Cedar was a lesbian, but now I see that it totally makes sense, thinking about her close friendship with Kristi.

I sit down next to Cedar on the top of a picnic table and tell her that I was in a relationship with a woman in the last year too. (I say it loudly so that a guy who's sitting nearby will hear, since I want to impress him.)

thinking about heaven & hell at a B-52s concert

NEXT, I'm at a concert with lots of different performers. Christine (from Italy) is here, and I'm glad to see her. I can't wait to talk to her about Christianity, thinking I have such a different perspective on it than the last time I talked to her about it. But I still don't believe in the version that believes in guilt and heaven & hell.

The B-52s are onstage, but now they're all men, and they're all wearing conservative black suits.

river rafting, huevos rancheros, and Mom's jealousy

NEXT, I'm talking to Mimi about taking a river rafting trip with her. She's wearing lots of jewelry. Her arms are covered in bracelets, all her fingers have rings, and she has lots of necklaces.

Then I'm river rafting with friends. I'm talking to Caleb Stokes about our childhoods and the mutual friends we had. Then I'm with Mom. When she first sees me, she hugs me and starts talking to me, which I can't handle. I don't respond. I'm with her and her boyfriend (some guy named Michael). We get to the beach. Mom is showing off her slim body, sitting on a big boulder. She's wearing a black bathing suit.

Then I'm at John's house, eating from a large cast-iron skillet that has baked huevos rancheros in it -- eggs (with runny yellow yolks), corn tortillas, beans, tomato sause, and lots of melted cheese. It's big and yummy. I can't stop eating. I'm in the front yard with Jordan Gans-Morse. He's doing something while I eat, and we're talking. The phone rings, and it's Mom. I don't really want to talk to her, but she starts telling me about the rafting trip I missed with her (since I went with my friends instead). She says there's something that Michael did that really upset her. Part of me doesn't want to know and wants to stay out of her business, out of her business like that (for fear of slipping back into old times); yet another part of me is too curious not to listen. She tells me that he made a sexual advance to another woman there -- a friend of his -- by hugging her. Big deal! I tell her that it's just his way to be physical with others and that hugging is okay.

Jordan sees how much of the huevos rancheros I ate (I only left a small sliver) and says "Whoa! you ate a lot of that." I feel shameful because I know how right he is; I try to defend myself by thinking that I at least didn't eat it all at once. I'm standing at the counter of the kitchen (old configuration), facing the living room. I'm eating the baked cheese, liking the taste. I realize that I'm breaking my special cleansing diet, but maybe it's okay to eat stuff like this once a week.

Ian and Kai (the boys from across the street) come running into the house, with Liz (their Mom) following behind them. I give her the baby bottles of milk that the boys dropped. She tells me that they also have avocado in them.

- FIN -

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