dreams: June 28, 1998

a touchdown for the Chubbies

Karen Berman is standing in front of a large group of people my age. She's organizing a football game. It's for school. She's holding a clipboard. She wants to organize two teams, so to divide us into two groups she calls for all the "_____ people" [a name I can't remember] to raise their hands. She uses some euphemism for "big" that seems to be an academic sociological/biological terms for those who have lots of mass. I raise my hand, along with about half of everyone else. I know I fall into the "big" category. Karen starts calling off the names of the people who are raising their hands; I'm the first one she calls.

Now we're divided into the teams. It's pre-game, and we're standing around in group huddles, trying to get our energy revved up for the game. I see several other small groups standing in circles, and I get the impression that they have a lot of camaraderie. I'm trying to get our team riled up. About ten of us are standing together. We put our hands in the middle to do a cheer. Suddenly Jessica McF. shows up. She's on our team too. I'm excited to see her. She puts her hand on top in the middle of the circle; she starts saying a prayer, referring to God.

Now we're playing the game. The whole thing is happening in a small indoor stadium. Suddenly the football is flying through the air right towards me. I catch it. I throw it to a teammate. S/he throws it back at me as I run and roll across the line to make a touchdown. It makes our team win the game. It feels symbolic of the flow of my life, of the success and courage surrounding me now -- all in an instant.

I yell, "Yeah Chubbies!" I'm proud of who we are. I feel very comfortable with my size, and I have no problem being identified by it. I keep yelling praising cheers with the word "Chubbies" in them. I notice that other people around me are offended. They are NOT comfortable with that word and don't like the idea of standing out as physically larger than anyone else. I'm walking through the crowd; I see Troy, who catches my eye.

an asp from Jess

NEXT, I'm with Jessica. She and I are in a small cold room that seems like a basement. The walls are brick, and the floor is concrete. It's well-lit but artificially. There are no windows. She's sitting in a chair, but that is the only object in the room. Jess is giving me a shoulder/back rub, which feels really good. Yet it's slightly awkward since I can't sit down. The floor is wet in some places, as well as cold and dirty. I'm uncomfortable in here.

Jessica gives me a cartoon she clipped from a New Yorker. It has a snake in it. Suddenly the snake becomes real, slithering all over the place. "Asp" is its title. I say something that makes it freak out, slithering and jumping all over the place. I'm scared it will try to bite me. I ask Jess if it can bite, and she says yes. I hop around, feeling vulnerable that I may get bitten. [Then I half-wake, feeling scared that the snake is in my bed; I roll around, kicking the sheets with my legs.]

Daveed's eggs & my emotions

NEXT, I'm standing in the old kitchen of John's house. It's like it used to be, when the counter faced the living room. Daveed Gartenstein-Ross is cooking a meal for me: breakfast-style food that looks really yummy. The dish he's making has many eggs that have rich yellow yolks; they look poached. He and I are discussing how I feel. He keeps asking me questions. It's an emotional talk. I'm upset. Something isn't okay with me. I'm telling him about it.

a cathedral tour

NEXT, I'm in an old cathedral of Italy. Yet it's simple and rectangular. I'm with a group of friends and family. I take a photo of a part of the wall that looks to me like a heart because of the shape of the pillars. The temp is cool in here. It has some connotations of 4th St.'s Peerless building. We're walking around to see everything.

Mom, John, Veronica and others want to see a slide show presentaion in one corner of the place. It shows every hour. We're waiting for the next one. One woman who is with us goes up to the desk where the people in charge are working/sitting. She leans forward to the big hefty guy who sits there; she puts her face right up to his, only an inch or so away. She looks him in the eyes as she talks to him. She then casually kisses him on the lips. Then on the forehead. (She's my language teacher in Italy at the University. She has dark curly hair and wears noticeable eyeliner.) I see an old flier that shows that she used to work here too. Oh! I realize she actually knows the guy she kissed, which makes more sense.

I really need to go pee, so I go stand in line at the nearby women's restroom. I don't want to wait but know I'll have to. An older woman is coming out. She's blind. "Fannie?!" she keeps yelling, not knowing where to go. A middle-aged/older man wearing a hat hears her and bypasses the line. He takes her hand and tries to lead her out of the bathroom. He'd holding onto her gold watch, dragging her along. He's being rather inconsiderate, not seeming to notice that she might hit the wall. Finally a stall opens up. I go in. Yellow piss is all over the seat.

- FIN -

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