dreams: Tuesday, January 9, 2001

feeling alone and left out

I'm at a party. I'm sitting on the floor with a big group of other people; most of them are young kids. Mom is here, as well as Hollis Shostrom, John, Mimi, Vivi, Megan and others. We are playing a game that involves little slips of paper that have important things written on them. When it's someone's turn, s/he chooses another player and kisses him/her on the cheek. Hollis is sitting near me, on my left. Mimi is on my right.

The game has already gone through a lot of people; many players have gotten a turn. I haven't been picked yet. No one has chosen to kiss me. Some other people have been kissed more than once. I feel left out and unloved. I stand up to leave. Meagan Hanzlik is here, sitting on a bed. She says out loud that she loves the music that is playing. It's classical music. She addresses me specifically, telling me that she wants to listen to this music later when we work in the kitchen together (cleaning? making something?). Her statement ticks me off and gives me an excuse to be mad and leave.

I walk out of the room, deciding to go to the bathroom. I'm in Megan and Vivi's house. The bathroom is tucked back at the end of a little hallway that also goes into Vivi's bedroom. It is cozy and quiet back here, away from the party. This area has thick carpeting and everything is clean. I see a hamper in the corner that is like a boxed-in table with a round hole in the top where you stick in the laundry. I just want to go sit on the toilet alone in peace.

Then I'm in another part of this property (which is now more like Sevenoaks). There is a sort of royalty that lives here. I'm watching a scene some distance away from me, outside. There are a handful of old, elite, white-haired, rich royalty sitting in a hot tub area; the place is reserved for specially-chosen men. These men actually help take care of the real royalty here: the staff.

Ric Knox has been selected as a new member of the royalty's crew (not considered staff, but a friend, treated like royalty). He's in the hot tub, making special requests for himself, all of which get granted. He pisses me off. I sit and watch. The group then passes by me in a parade-like exit. Ric is being carried in something. I look at him and flip him off, holding up my middle finger very high. I feel rebellious and not afraid to express myself. I can't stand Ric. He makes me mad.

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