daily reflections:

monday, may 28, 2001
I long to be fully in my body and breathe in the light and love that sustain the beauty of my own flower. Stretching the boundaries, I am safe.

thursday, february 15, 2001
This morning I woke up and noticed that my hands felt unusually warm. Then I realized that I had a new sensitivity to my touch. My circulation seemed especially strong and flowing in my whole body, head to toe. My mind felt focused and clear, keeping me in the present moment.

When I went on the morning walk with Lizbeth, Hiroko and Susan, I felt much more relaxed than usual. The air smelled particularly fresh and rich this morning, still moist from last night's rain. The half hour of meditation in the sanctuary seemed to go by quite quickly, and it wasn't hard to stay concentrated on my breathing.

It's 10:40am now, and I still feel this new level of sensitivity. I don't really understand what changed to allow me to have this experience, but I'm grateful. I hope to not get attached, since I acknowledge that everything is impermanent. I'll go with the flow. Right now I feel centered and grounded.

I'm looking forward to my TP weekend, which actually starts today at 2pm. It will be our fifth gathering. I have already gotten so much out of the program. I set my intention to feel the true safety and security of my own self and body, to speak my truth, to open my heart to our group's energy, and to surrender to the natural flow of divine light.

friday, february 9, 2001
today the weather feels like spring.
i take a deep breath outside.
the air reminds me of california,
with a warm breeze that smells like salty water.

stretching out on the grass
i see bright light squiggles
against the blue sky and puffy clouds.
are the tiny bursts of moving dots in my eyeballs
or part of the auric field above me?

when i lie in my bed
i feel like an eel
nestled into a sushi roll.
a protective sheet of nori stretches around the outside;
warm sticky rice presses against my skin,
filling all my gaps.

last night i slid through the water,
letting my body wrap around another body.
feeling, stroking, sucking, breathing, floating.

right now i pray for the truth.
the truth is inside me,
and outside of me.
i don't really know where the boundaries are.
please protect me, god.

sunday, february 4, 2001

a spiral descending
getting heavier and heavier
i feel empty
and i can't remember who i am
sugar clouds my vision
and drugs me out

i have no telephone number, no car, no income, no intimate relationship.
mercury just went into retrograde yesterday.
i spent the weekend curled up in bed,
my pelvic area in tight contraction (menstruation).
i use sleep to escape.
in this moment, i can't find much meaning in life.
what is this all about again?
my body feels lifeless and weighted down.
all the buildings are empty, quiet and dark.
it's easy to forget that some other parts of the world

are going full-pace right now.

I know i create this reality. i'm responsible for this apathy.
i'm only willing to skim the surface in this mode. anything deeper

requires too much effort.

standing in the walk-in fridge, expecting fulfillment.
reach out, stuff in.
as part of me already knows, the food does not end up fixing anything.
i leave the kitchen feeling worse than before.
i'm not hungry but i crave something to fill me up and give me satisfaction.
the same voice that says FUCK ME, FILL ME,

wanting it from the other end, another orifice.

in this state everything feels stale and unstimulating.
i don't care about anything.
i don't care about myself.
i know i can trace much of this back to my sugar addiction.
how long will this continue?
maybe i could make a choice to turn this around and become more present.
it feels like trying to walk up a vertical mountain slope. against a full-force wind.

from my current perspective, i am alone.
i am separate.
yesterday i had some moments of consciously shifting my mind's scope

to feel the presence of god. it was a little hop
that would make me stop pretending that i was alone,
that another being was right there with me, in my mind with me.
it felt real. but it would only last a few moments
before my mind would slip right back into the old aloneness.

so how do i reach out and connect with other people?
i can trust that i am capable, on some level, of contact. of asking for it myself.

that's all i feel like writing right now.

tuesday, january 16, 2001

My dreams have been intense lately. Mom and Phoebe make frequent appearances. I felt compelled to start posting my dreams online again at the beginning of this year. I had gone for quite a long time without even writing them down in my journal, and I started to miss them. They are an everchanging vehicle for bringing my unconscious psyche into consciousness. The longer I get into the habit of recalling them in the morning, the more I am able to remember. Leigh Ann has an amazing skill of shedding light onto dreams, digging up the real meaning behind the symbols. I like talking to her about my wacky stories.

Last night I ate half a pint of Ben & Jerry's ("Entangled Mints" -- two flavors with chocolate and mint and fudge chunks and cookies). Before going to bed I felt sad. I started to read Jalaja's book, Aphrodite's Daughters, but then I stopped because I realized that I didn't feel very present. Who am I? I thought. So I dropped the book and breathed, listening to myself. God is at my core? So what the fuck are these thoughts going through my head?

I saw how many things can distract me from being still with myself. There are many enticing temptations that will pull me away from my inner state of being. Lying in bed last night, I remembered the pink rose that got planted in my heart in July 1999. Jose Rosa gave it to me, reminding me to stay focused on one of the core goals: developing a true relationship with my higher self.

saturday, january 6, 2001

I feel happy. This center is the coolest place for me to be living right now. Dinner was delicious: cajun catfish with creole sauce, salad, mashed potatoes, and a decadent dessert spread, with several types of cheesecakes and brownies with chocolate ganache, raspberry sauce and whipped cream. I connected with my table companions, discussing buddhism, powerful leaders' sexuality, pathwork workshops, psychotherapy, etc.

After dinner I got hot and sweaty dancing upstairs with folks from the TP 2, 4 & 5 groups. We shook our booties to motown, salsa and the Eagles. I felt waves of gratitude that I am so comfortable with these people, being included in their circle of support. At several points while dancing, I got to observe the pulsating charge of my second chakra. I found it challenging to stay connected with the sexual energy and stay totally comfortable in my heart at the same time. Eye contact with the guys brought my attention to the tightness in my own face. Laughing. Primal energy. A game. I was still wearing my PJs (my flannel polar bear pants and a t-shirt). No underwear, no bra. I felt loose and slightly exposed. Yet my feet were still keeping me grounded, my core stability in firm faith from last night's work in Maryland.

My sexual energy feels freed up after yesterday afternoon. I had a new experience that took me to a new level of honesty. I got to expose myself in a tender, safe situation, staying very present in the moment. I felt waves of fear, excitement, trust, love, curiosity, tightness, relaxation, vulnerability, closeness. My heart was accessible. I could tell that I was turned on, but it felt distant and separate from me. Down there, not here. (My fingers verified it, finding swollen wetness.) I finally got to drop the manipulation, the masks, the power play, the "shoulds." I felt real, I felt beautiful. It was a new look at the truth of the Divine.

monday, january 1, 2001

I pray to LET GO of my defensive mask layer that cuts me off from my true feelings, prevents me from connecting with other people, and separates me from my Higher Self and from God.

I pray to RECEIVE my strength to take full responsibility for myself, my emotions, and my actions.

* * *

Last night we danced around the bonfire, honoring the four elements and letting go of 2000. I threw a snakeskin into the fire, releasing my bond to the old, comforting layer of protection and defense (my mask). Then I also tossed a huge chunk of chocolate into the flames, vowing to let go of my addiction to sugar; I saw it quickly melt and dissolve, illustrating the potential for the tight block of energy in my belly and third chakra.

Right now I already feel contracted. The shift of energy here at the Center happens so abruptly at the end of workshops when everyone leaves. The place is full of life, voices, familiar faces, laughter, music, and love; then within an hour or two after the last lunch, it all drizzles away as everyone packs up their stuff and drives back out into the "real world." Silence permeates.

monday, december 11, 2000

i sat out in the hot tub tonight under the muted light of the full moon. drizzly mist and thin fog. i stretched out over the side of the tub, looking up to see all the tall trees around us. my skin is still warm.

my morning meditation was a challenge today. thoughts kept pulling me away from my breath. after breakfast i ended up taking a long nap, falling into a deep and unexpected sleep. then rip woke me up and we drove to alex & gretchen's piece of land. it was my first look. i ate rosehips and persimmons, jumped over creeks, found rocks with peachy veins, met a black cat named longtail, scoped out future sledding sites, and hiked around the hills there. it reminded me of being a kid, when i used to be outside more than inside. these days walls are around me the majority of the time, which feels odd, considering where i now live.

driving back from orange with rip, i felt frustration. i was pissed off that so many people don't know god and stay asleep. i felt resentful for having to be in a human form, when really i wanted to go back to a more familiar realm. fuck separation. yet i laughed at myself at the same time, acknowledging the total honor of this incarnation. i think i'm learning to see that the divine is actually right here on earth. as much as i crave the astral, those same elements of truth and light are always in the here and now. my problem is i don't always believe it 100%...

i set my intention on transformation, not transcendence. i choose life, not death.

monday, december 04, 2000

i am here, i am here
i am here to affirm
i am a child of god
learning how to love

- explore my insides -
- rambles -