Growing Older, but NOT Wiser......

The rumors are true. I did it.
I confess.
I chased Amanda around Mertz while brandishing a toilet bowl cleaner.
But I had a good reason.

You see, I have a thing about growing up.

My thing is, I simply don't want to do it!

I rebel. I rant. I rave. And my little quad and a quarter knows very well about my chronic fear of aging. But desite all my fervent attempts to somehow bypass Sunday the 27th and go straight to the 28th, I woke up this morning to find a sign on my door which very proudly read:

"Happy Birthday, Old Woman!"


Ok. So it was going to be one of those days. And that was BEFORE I opened the quad door and found yet another delightful little note: a caricature of lil 'ol me with the following words written underneath:

"Pluck. Pluck. Isn't it time you did something about those grey hairs?"

I groaned inwardly and got dressed in the bright hot-colored tie-dye outfit my parents gave me last weekend when they came to visit - the one with a huge smiling, tongue-sticking-out happy face in the middle. I figured it fit the occasion. I wanted to thumb my nose at my birthday.

I contemplated wearing pigtails, but decided against it. Maybe tomorrow. But to a (lamentably sad) former teenager who:

Anyway, the day seemed to pass by calmly. Too calmly, if you ask me. Went to lunch with my fellow quaddies, came back, finished a ten-page psychology essay about the placebo effect in the treatment of depression...it didn't FEEL like my birthday!

At least, until 9pm rolled around.....


Diana and Susan were at Cornell working their butts off with some revolting and frightening homework otherwise known as SCIENCE. Amanda, on the other hand was in the quad. At least, I figured she was. You see, at precisely nine pm, just in time for X-Files, Amanda stepped into my room, grabbed the doorknob, and slammed my door shut without a word.

So my first reaction was naturally, "What the heck does that girl think she's doing?" My second reaction was looking up and seeing a lightbulb going off on top of my head. Actually, my strobe lamp came perilously close to burning out just then - but hey - I'm old now. I can embellish, I'm entitled.

Anyway, I'd been noticing some very strange things for the last day, and I put them together all at once - all the little things like:

Yes. Something was definitely in the air.

So anyway, I waited, X-Files forgotten, on my side of the closed door. And you can guess waht happened. After all, what always DOES happen if you're facing a long car ride, or you know you have a three hour class? Yup: you have to go to the bathroom.

So what to do? Luckily, Susan and Diana came back, and the three mongrels very graciously allowed me to leave the quad and go to the bathroom - but ONLY if I wore a blindfold. And then, they followed me all the way to make sure I didn't look back! And they were waiting for me when I came out. Geez - haven't you guys ever heard of a little thing called TRUST?

But that's okay. I wouldn't trust me either! :-)

Anyway, they finally took the blindfold off.....and what did I see? BALLOONS all over the common room. And a big giant Audrey-made chocolate cake in the middle. And here's the unkindest cut of all: It had TWENTY-ONE candles on it! The nerve! But I blew 'em all out in one shot. Hey - I may be old, but I've plenty of hot air left.

PRESENTS!!!! Bubbles! Lots and lots of bubbies! And chocolate cake. Milano cookies...I LOVE Milano cookies! And chocolate cake.

So basically, I have enough to go on a major chocolate binge and sugar kick.

But then came the TRIPLE WHAMMY.

Amanda stood in front of the rest of us, and said seriously, "There's one more present." And then she proceeded to tell me that when I REALLY grow old, I'll need to have fun. So she took out my last present:

A BRAND NEW TOILET BOWL CLEANER.

Now I ask you, what the heck was I supposed to do after that? Simply take it?

"I thought you'd just laugh!" Diana told me later. But NAY, roommate dear. The last thing I want to become is predictable. Now THAT would mean I'm really getting old!

So what did I do? I brandished the darn thing over my head and made a beeline for Amanda, whose eyes widened in terror as she dashed out the door and went flying down the hall. I dashed after her, and Diana and Susan and Audrey trailed behind, Diana with her faithful camera which I think she simply has GOT to think of a name for! Now, we passed by quite a few rooms in the process, but I don't want to even think about what their inhabitants thought! I had the almost irresistable urge to call out as we passed by, "It's all your imagination. You're seeing things. I'm not carrying a toilet plunger. And I'm not chasing my hapless quaddie."

Anyway, when we finally finished, there was one more present: pink balloons. PINK BALLOONS TO POP!!! Now,that's a quality present, especially for an avid pink-hater. Especially when you have a brand new toilet bowl cleaner that's TURQUOISE - your favorite color - to bash the hated pink in with. So I had a pretty good birthday after all.

But you can't blame me for chasing Amanda around Mertz with the toilet plunger, can you? Really? I mean, I was perfectly justified! It's just a shame, though, that she had a paper bag with her to use as a shield to protect her against the oncoming assault. So we ran down the hall, with tame little me laughing like a wild banshee, hair flying everywhere. One thought ran rampant through my mind.

I was going to get her. I was going to get her but good!

"Get back here!" I shrieked. But of course, she didn't. She's pretty spry and fast on her feet, even if she IS:

Anyway, poor Amanda wound up cutting her finger on our door during the skirmish, and so our quad has made An Important Decision:

When we film Wendy's Birthday: The Movie, we are DEFINITELY going to hire a stunt double for Amanda.

And that's the TRUTH.

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Last Modified: 3/23/97
Wendy Elizabeth Kemp