June 5, 1998
Haven't written in my journal for awhile. Too difficult lately because it means sitting down and acknowledging my brain. Life has been incredibly difficult lately -- the hardest I remember it ever being in some ways. The intensity of my pain is acute. The pain is low low depression and scary scary anxiety. My whole perception of reality has totally shifted. In some ways I feel like I've just slipped backwards at least a couple of years in terms of who I am here in Ashland. I'm totally out of touch with my real self, to a more extreme degree than I've felt in a long time. I no longer have any of the amazing security that I'd found in the last year. No connection to God, no strength of identity. No comfort in who I am. I talked to a neurologist, Dr. Maukonen, in Medford today with John. He was a nice guy, answering all my questions (and asking a bunch himself). He diagnosed my seizures as probably being temporal lobe / complex partial seizures, which is a type of epilepsy. I still need to take an EEG test and an MRI. Then we'll be able to decide what the next step will be. Probably a medication. Life sucks right now. Death sounds much better in some ways. Suicide has been in my thoughts regularly. I'm just gonna stick through this hell. All I can see is a loser life of much more simplicity now. Maybe it'll change. I can't remember what used to make me feel joy. It just doesn't make sense any more. I also have to recognize that my brain's chemical's are all whacked out right now.
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