dreams: August 9, 1999
You and I have an intense relationship. I love you, but I'm scared of you. I feel the passion, but I feel the violence. I need you, but I can't live with you anymore.
I'm in a domestic abuse relationship
I am in an intense relationship with a man. He's big, strong and demanding, giving me tons of attention, totally needing me. He makes me feel loved but also scared. He can turn violent. (He is a mixture of Woody Harrelson, Donny, Mark D'O., Steve Snyder and others.) I love him.
I'm straddling him, looking over him. He's not human at this moment. He's an alien or something, with a face like a frog and a light green, thin body. His eyes are like the pollen fronds of a flower. I know him so well. I love him so deeply. The energy is incredibly sexual. Then he's human again. I'm running from him. He wants me too badly. I am stuck in a room with him. If I tread my legs quickly enough, I rise up in the air above his head. But somehow he can pull me back down again. I'm scared for my own safety, needing to protect my body. I'm running. I make it out of the house, but he is right on my tail. I need to trick him and hide my identity. We are too much one in our relationship. I need my individuality back. I love him but I have to kill him.
I'm in Geppetto's. I'm with Mom. I can't stop eating, especially sugar. I need sweetness.
I'm having to explain to someone how I killed Noli, Laurie, Kathie and Charley. I feel so guilty now. For some reason I lit a fire and burned them all to death. Someone is asking me to tell them the details.
breaking the law
I look at an envelope I'm about to send. It has Tia Farrell's address on the front.
I'm in a movie theater (upstairs in the Varsity). Lots of young kids are there. They're doing drugs. Some young man I know is getting caught for being a dealer. The police are with him, but everyone seems calm. He pulls out a plastic bag from his sock. It's filled with white crystal powder (which looks almost exactly like sugar). It's some crystal meth stuff. He's allowed to keep that one, despite having to turn the rest of his stuff over to the cops. Phoebe is here. She plays a very important role.
I'm in my bedroom at Casa Cami [where I'm now staying here in Guatemala]. Laurie Hoye is here, and she's complaining that everyone is so young and that she feels so old. She's telling me, Noli and Melina why. We're trying to defend the maturity of the group. Padrinho Alfredo is discussed too; Laurie is saying how he seems so young (having his two wives, etc.). Yet I feel like he's one of the oldest, wisest people I know. [Or is it the other way around? Is Laurie telling us that everyone seems too old?]
I'm sitting on the floor, while Melina is on my bed. Now she and I are the only ones in the room. She has a pen in her hand, and she draws two Xs on my face, under my right eye, near my nose. They're supposed to look like tears. I don't like that she did that. Especially because the pen is a thick black marker. I grab the pen and do the same thing to her, marking thick juicy Xs under her left eye, going down her face. Then I get up because I have to find my shoes. I can't find them anywhere. I walk through the hall (now in Vivi's house). I realize they're out on the porch with the rest of the shoes. I go in the bathroom. I'm wearing my PJs. Oops! Looking in the mirror, I see that the Xs that Melina marked on my face were actually very light -- hardly noticeable; I shouldn't have gotten her back so badly. I wash the marks off my face.
I'm talking to an older woman. We're in my bedroom at Casa Cami. She pulls out a big quartz crystal that is in a black woven bag. She tells me that Ned gave it to her. I admire it. She then shows me a similar thing: a number of precious stones in a black webbing holder. They're all shiny, smooth, polished and fine (rose quartz, jade, etc.). She says that "Eric" gave them to her. I know who she's talking about since he's a mutual friend. I picture him: a young attractive man with curly red hair.
Eric needs to find himself
Now the older woman and I are on the sidewalk outside of Key of C in Ashland. We're talking about her relationship with Eric. I ask her why she didn't pursue him. She tells me that it's because he doesn't really know who he is yet (or something similar). Yes, I understand and agree. He still needs to develop his own inner strength.
- FIN -
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