dreams: August 7, 1999

cooking for Toni

I'm in a kitchen (my home, though different than this one). It's warm and rustic, with wooden floor and lots of stuff. Kind of funky. Toni Dileo comes in. She looks big and tall. She asks me to make soup for the co-op. She explains how to do it, pulling out a pot and onions and other vegetables. I'm happy to do it, but I wonder what my compensation will be. She also asks me to make a specific dessert. Cocoa powder is on the counter. I ask her if I will be paid. She says no. I am frustrated and feel unrecognized for my true worth. I think about how I should be paid justly for my value.

social dynamics of middle/high school

I'm at a party with old Ashland friends. Lots of us are at an old deserted building in the woods next to a big field. There are people here from Natural Helpers (like C.G.). We're playing many rounds of ping pong, but the balls are much bigger. I'm so excited to be with these folks, even if they don't totally fit who I am.

We're outside in the big field now. I walk up to a group of young women standing in a circle. Amber Fyfe-Johnson is here. We all look across the field to a small dirt road on the far side. There is another wooden building there. I see young men over there hanging out. They are guys from school. I want to go be with them. I tell the girls. Amber says she wants to go be in the last spot of sunlight. I look, and sure enough, golden light is in one last section there on the ground. But really I know it's just an excuse to go be with the guys. I see A.J. Bova and Ashley Whitley (wearing his bright blue and white striped jacket). I have a strong desire to go be there. Amber and I decide to head on over. We sprint over as fast as we can, with the other girls following behind us. Amber can run very fast. Adrenaline keeps me up to her speed. We go up the hill. I want to yell, "first one there wins," but I don't. It feels difficult to run, yet I'm still keeping up with Amber -- and she's running fast. I'm impressed with her. She yells something about trying to be the first one to go sit down in the building.

We finally get to the wooden building, going inside. It's rather dark here. I see a group of young men sitting and lying in a circle on the floor of the far end of the big empty room. I'm curious to see what they're doing. I feel a strong draw to be in their energy. But I go back outside and walk around to the back of the building. There is a back door that I pull open. When it closes behind me, I'm in pitch black darkness for a moment. Then the lights suddenly turn on, and Ashley is standing only about a foot away from me, face to face. He's wearing a rubber mask of a hairy black ape (the same one that was in my Wellsprings preschool). It surprises me, but I don't have any physical reaction. He expected me to scream or something. He runs back over the group of guys. He's laughing. I follow him, casually walking over at my own pace. I feel comfortable with myself. Ashley is telling them, "I stood in front of Maya for 30 seconds in the dark before the lights came on!" (He's obviously exaggerating.)

I look over against the wall and see a couple older men. They're familiar. They are Ashland musicians. I smile at them. In the corner is a bench lining the wall. I go sit down next to a few familiar young men. Hippies. I feel comfortable with them.

- FIN -

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