dreams: September 28, 1998

breaking the cycle requires conscious change

I'm in a cafe (owned by John?) with Phoebe, Mom, and John. We're going to sit down to eat desserts. I decide I want to finish my jog, so I go outside to run. I'm running when I see 2 young men playing frisbee. I start to talk to them. I toss the frisbee; it's not a very good throw. The guy says something about how it is inevitable that the disk will come back to where you started unless you consciously change something. I'm attracted to him.

The three of us go sit down on the ground, on a grassy corner (at Mountain Street and Siskiyou Blvd.). We're all lying down. All of a sudden I open my eyes and see that it's now dawn. A beautiful sunrise is sweeping everything with soft orange rosy light. The young man I'm with has strawberry blond/red curly hair and pale skin. I've snuggled up to him. We spent the night here. I don't really pay any attention to his friend, a big guy with brown hair who's asleep on my right.

I sit up and look at the sunrise. My redhead guy wakes up too. I tell him we should keep in touch. I ask him what his phone number is. He gives it to me, and I notice that it's not a local number. I assumed he was an Ashlander. I ask him where he lives. Santa Fe, he says. He's acting kind of stand-offish. I'm attracted to him though. I lean forward. He sits up. We start kissing: soft, wet, sensual. We're both getting turned on. Then I feel something between my legs (his knee? his dick?), with our clothes in-between; it's rhythmically pressing into me. It kind of feels good, but it also kind of hurts. I'm moaning. I feel his friend's hand reach over and touch my leg. I swat his hand away.

I ask the redhead if he'd like to go to my house. He is hesitant. I tell him that I live next-door to the "World's Best Frisbee Players" (thinking of Mark and Ginger D'Olivo).

We end up walking into my bedroom (but it looks much different than "real-life"). It's now quiet early morning. I see that I have a twin-sized bed that is well-made, with a quilt on top. We get onto the bed and do something that lasts only a moment before he comes. Then he gets up and says a quick goodbye before walking out the door. I sit there feeling hurt and disappointed, like I should have known. I feel empty and used.

Then, I'm in the big upstairs bedroom of John's house. I'm rearranging the furniture. Emily Westerman is helping me. I'm sweeping the dusty wooden floor. We decide to put the bed in the corner (against the front wall and the wall facing the alley). Then Phoebe is sitting on the bed. We're talking about my experience with the redhead guy. She reminds me that I had a very similar experience right before him. "Huh?" I ask her. She tells me that I fooled around with the Italian-looking tall man with dark hair, and that the same thing happened to me. She holds up a TV Guide (a small magazine), pointing out a summary/critique that describes what happened between me and him. She's critical of it. I feel bad.

Then I give her a 10 dollar bill. It is the new edition of the bill, so she doesn't recognize that it is money. It has a pice of a world map on it (showing Japan?) with bright colors. I tell her that it's money. She still doesn't say thank you. I want gratitude. Finally she says "thanks" after looking at it a moment.

a clinic for eating disorders

NEXT, I'm going to some eating disorder clinic. It's my responsibility to pick up a number of the girls and bring them there. Mom is there to help me.

- FIN -

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