dreams: September 19, 1998

making the devil for Mom

I'm arriving at home at Beach Street. Mark D'Olivo is next door, standing outside in his yard. I realize that I don't want to deal with his energy, as it will probably be sexual. Phoebe is with me. She feels the same way.

Walking into Mom's house, I think about the topic of breast enlargements (surgery). I realize I would never want them because they would be promoting my false self, also inhibiting the activities I really like doing. I wouldn't be able to run freely. I'm happy with my own breasts.

I go sit down in the living room. (It's now the living room of John's house.) Lots of people (all women?) are sitting around. There are big sheets of butcher paper spread out on the floor. Everyone is doing art where they are sitting. I start coloring with crayons. Mom walks in the door. She has a fierce charge of negative energy, directing it against Phoebe and I. She acts angry at us. She orders us to "do exactly one drawing each," and then we must show them to her when we're done. Then she marches out of the room. Phoebe and the women and I laugh at her clear expression of a ridiculous need for control and her warped perception of our relationships. I'm drawing a man's colorful face. It starts to look devilish. I figure I'll show Mom a devil with a traditional red face, horns, tail, pokey cane, etc.

Then Mom stomps back into the room, going over to the front door to leave. I stand up and tell her to wait. She turns around; we're facing each other. I don't know what I'm going to say. Then I just tell her that I love her. "I love you unconditionally, and I forgive you," I tell her. Her cold eyes melt into a look of intense pain. She leans forward and we hug. She's crying. There's a spark of warmth between us, but I have faith that it'll never be like old times.

a store with my letter and pink dresses

NEXT, I'm on a trip with Madhu, Mani and others. I'm in a cool big store. I'm looking at a wall of greeting cards. Mani points out some particular big red sheets of paper; turning them over to look at the back, I see that they have a letter that Noli once wrote to me on them. I'm surprised, wondering how the store got ahold of it. Mani says there is some personal suff on it. I'm thinking of taking them back. Then I decide to forget it and leave them be. Funny to see my name on the stuff though. I pick out a forgiveness/love card for Mom.

Then I come back to the store later: 4-something in the afternon. The store is all changed around. I can't find the cards. I walk into an open airy room that is soft and pastel, with elegant clothes hanging in a glass case (like a gallery). There are baby things are all over. Pink dresses are hanging on the walls.

Vegetarianism. [Somehow this becomes a theme of the dream.]

- FIN -

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