Walking into Mom's house, I think about the topic of breast
enlargements (surgery). I realize I would never want them
because they would be promoting
my false self, also inhibiting
the activities I really like doing. I wouldn't be able to run
freely. I'm happy with my own breasts.
I go sit down in the living room. (It's now the living room
Lots of people (all women?) are sitting around. There are big sheets
of butcher paper spread out on the floor.
Everyone is doing art where they are sitting. I start
coloring with crayons. Mom walks in the door.
She has a fierce charge of negative energy, directing it against
Phoebe and I. She acts angry at us. She
orders us to "do exactly one drawing each," and then we
must show them to her when we're done.
Then she marches out of the room. Phoebe
and the women and I laugh at her clear expression of a ridiculous
need for control and
her warped perception of our relationships.
I'm drawing a man's colorful face. It starts to look
devilish. I figure I'll show Mom
a devil with a traditional red face, horns, tail, pokey cane, etc.
Then Mom stomps back into the room, going over to the front
door to leave. I stand
up and tell her to wait. She turns around;
we're facing each other. I don't know what I'm going to say.
Then I just tell her that I love her. "I love you unconditionally,
and I forgive you,"
I tell her. Her cold eyes melt into a look of intense pain.
She leans forward and we hug. She's crying. There's a spark of
warmth between us,
but I have faith that it'll never be like old times.
dreams: September 19, 1998
making the devil for Mom
I'm arriving at home at Beach Street. Mark D'Olivo
is next door, standing outside in his yard.
I realize that I don't want to deal with his
energy, as it will probably be sexual.
is with me. She feels the same way.
a store with my letter and pink dresses
NEXT, I'm on a trip with Madhu, Mani and others.
I'm in a cool big store. I'm looking at a wall of greeting cards.
Mani points out some particular big red sheets of
paper; turning them over to look at the back, I see that they have a
letter that Noli once wrote to me on them. I'm surprised,
wondering how the store got ahold of it. Mani says there is some
personal suff on it. I'm thinking of taking them back.
Then I decide to forget it and leave them be. Funny to see my name
on the stuff though. I pick out a forgiveness/love card for Mom.
Then I come back to the store later: 4-something in the afternon.
The store is all changed around. I can't find the cards. I walk into
an open airy room that is soft and pastel, with
elegant clothes hanging in a glass case
(like a gallery). There are baby things are all over.
Pink dresses are hanging on the walls.
Vegetarianism. [Somehow this becomes a theme of the dream.]
- FIN -