dreams: September 08, 1998

the divine presence in Anna-Rose's home

I'm at Anna-Rose Mathieson's house, in the kitchen. She's in the other room. I'm toasting many, many English muffins. There are about 10 different types of toasters set up all around the kitchen; I'm putting handfuls of the muffins in the slots to get toasted. They are becoming beautifully toasted, and I'm running around taking them out of the toasters as they pop up, putting them in a stack on a plate. I taste one, and it has a good crisp texture.

Anna-Rose says says she has something to show me. I put aside the English muffins. She tells me that her parents have a gift for me. She brings in a HUGE box (it looks like a stage setup), setting it down on the kitchen floor; it unfolds into a giant set of colorful crayons. I'm blown away, telling her how incredible it is. There are tons of different colors. Each crayon is about as tall as my waist (taller?). I pull one out -- light sky blue -- and test it out on a paper on the floor. It's really smooth and vibrant. Her parents made the set for me! I feel so loved. Anna-Rose lifts it up to show me the elaborate wood case, a structure that her mom "custom-routered" for my crayons.

Her mom walks into the kitchen. We look at each other and have a special moment, a real connection. "Thank you!!" I tell her. We hug. A couple seconds pass, and then she aks me to "put my stomach into it [the hug]." I realize that because she is so tall, we were merely embracing with our arms/shoulders. I then pull my whole body into the hug, and suddenly we're connected at all points of our bodies. We feel perfectly united. I close my eyes and sink into the feeling. It feels like divine love, two humans' spirits becoming ONE. This is the feeling I've been striving for in my meditations. It is amazing bliss. It is knowing that God is always here with us. It is trusting that everything is perfect. It is love. Finally after a LONG moment (though time didn't really exist), we let go.

I feel total gratitude. I admire the crayons some more, completely appreciative of the generous present. They're not wax. They are huge cylindrical blocks of chocolate wrapped in colorful foil. I'm excited but worried, thinking I might eat the whole box. We are trying to pack up the box for me to take home later. Someone picks it up to roll up, but some crayons come flying out. I see Anna-Rose's dad coming in from the next room (which has many shelves of old big books, like a library). He's carrying an additional armful of crayons like they're pieces of firewood. He looks like an old man, carefully hobbling along, a distinguished man (like the elderly actor at OSF). I tell him thank you, and we hug (normal). I want to be sure to show that I'm grateful of this family's expressions of love.

It is dinner time, and Anna-Rose's mom has made a meal. She's now serving the first course of gourmet appetizers. She leads us into the dining room next door. Mom is now with us. I show her the crayons. Then she and I are sitting down in a tight little space together; it feels like a lower kitchen cupboard without a door. She whispers to me, asking what Anna-Rose's mom's name is. I can't remember. We smile at each other, knowing how awkward forgetting names can be. I'm inclined to say Jacqueline.

I sit down at the dining room table. Jacqueline (Anna-Rose's mom) is amazing, having made a gourmet, white, creamy soup that she's now ladling into cups. There is also a scoop of green guacomole on my plate and thick fancy corn chips in a basket. An elegant Koala spritzer can of juice is at my setting; it hasn't yet been opened. There is a spoonful of salsa on the top, with a chip sticking up out of it like a flag. I admire the whole setup, telling Anna-Rose's mom that she did a really fabulous job, "like she always does." She's modest and humble.

Charley Hoye is sitting on the other side of the room with Anna-Rose's dad on a couch. Kathie Olsen walks in. "Happy Father's day," says Charley. Kathie sits down on my left, at the head of the table.

Jacqueline is across from me, farthest left. She has a cup of red wine at her setting, next to a spray bottle full of red wine. She tells us that ten years ago she was an alcoholic, but now she can drink socially without any problem. She has a scientific theory she knows is true: the genes change after ten years, and you can lose your alcoholism. Mom is sitting across from me. She's wearing white. She agrees with Jacqueline, saying she herself is a "recovered alcoholic." There is a moment of silence. I have a questioning, cynical look on my face. I think of how her last relapse was only a month ago.

Anna-Rose is sitting across from me too. Noli is on my left. Charley and Anna-Rose's dad join us at the table. There's a very small space between the right side of the table and the wall. A petite old grandmother woman squeezes through that space to get to the empty space on the other side of the table.

We are all still talking about drinking. I cannot believe what Mom is saying. She's in total denial of her own problems, and it's making me feel irritated. I express these feelings by having a snotty look on my face and rolling my eyes. But I don't want to bring any negative energy to this table, as I know that it would be disrespectful to the Mathieson family. Kathie catches my look and says, "You know, you get to a certain point in your life when you realize that you can't blame anyone else for your own problems -- you have to just take ownership." I feel the impact of her statement. I personally need to stop shifting the blame of my problems onto Mom. Kathie talks about blame some more, and about taking responsibility for your own life by not playing the role of "victim." I think about the whole truth of that idea.

Jacqueline talks about growing up in NYC when she was a young kid. She's done a lot of amazing things in her life. She is getting ready to serve the next course of food. I haven't yet finished my serving of the sauteed mushrooms (a soup); it looks like beautiful, pure, light sherrels on my plate.

is it porn?

NEXT, I'm in the living room of the house with a group of friends. We're in a bed together in the corner of the room, facing the wall (to the computer room). They are old high school friends. A big TV is on the wall. We are watching a show in which a bunch of sexy women are wrestling and fighting to win, like Xena Amazon warrior women. Men are in it too. I saw a preview, and I know what's going to happen (a clip when one woman ends up straddling someone else in a provokative way). Adam Eisen is on the bed. He's cheering the show on. A group of young high school boys walks in the house, crossing the room to sit in the chairs that are set up to face the TV. They watch the show too. I talk out loud, questioning what we're watching. "Are we all watching pornography?" I ask. "Is this a porn show?"

Then I'm standing at the front door talking to Shana Cooper. She wants to go to Jacob's party at his house (for Halloween?). I tell her that if I go, it will make him uncomfortable because I always make him feel uncomfortable. I don't think he likes me.

- FIN -

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