dreams: October 22, 1998

abuse has generational patterns

Phoebe and I are in a room together (it looks like the living room of John's house). She spills some white bubbly stuff on the dark green carpet. It is some potent chemical. She doesn't do anything about the accident. I tell her to clean it up. She grabs a nearby blanket to wipe it with, and I quickly yell for her to stop, for I don't want her to get the chemical on the blanket. I'm frustrated. She then reaches for a stuffed animal, about to wipe up her stain with it; I scream, "NO!" I'm really angry at Phoebe, feeling like she's being inconsiderate, stupid, and irresponsible. I scream insults at her. I grab her and throw her on the ground. (She's a young version of Phoebe, how she used to be at about 10 years old.) I'm hitting her. Then I stop and realize I'm acting just like Mom acted with me when I was younger. I'm being totally abusive and power-hungry, not afraid to take it out on someone else. I feel really awful and remorseful. Phoebe is a hurt little girl, in pain and abandonment, without comfort or stability. I just want to hold her and love her now.

free plastic surgery

NEXT, I'm at school, in line for plastic surgery. A woman from the administrative staff is explaining that any student who wants to can get a free operation, paid for by some insurance measure of Swarthmore's. The couples get to go first (any boyfriend/girlfriend pairs). I'm kind of disgusted that everyone is getting it done. They're all talking about what parts of they're faces they want to change. Yet I get in line anyway, feeling like I need to take advantage of the opportunity since it's free.

a house of odd relationships

NEXT, I'm sitting on the front porch of the house. Tom Foley arrives with a huge group of people. They're his family, all his relatives. They file into the house, all speaking with Irish and British accents. There are lots of old grandfathers and grandmothers. It's a weekend celebration, with everyone staying here together. The house is extra huge, with many stories. I go up to the top floor, my room, which has a bathroom and then a bedroom [it looks like the stairway and upstairs room of Mom's old house on 2nd St.]. I walk in and hear Howard and Laurie H.'s voices. She works for him. I make myself heard so they'll know I'm here. When I walk forward into the room, I see they're both on the bed, lying down in a sexual embrace. They don't stop anything when they see me.
Then I'm on another floor. It's huge. I realize I'm in Mom's house [not anything like Beach St.]; she owns this place with her husband. This room belongs to Mom's step-daughter. There is a fitness/exercise room with many machines, a stationary bike, a treadmill, etc. A young woman (late teens) is in the room. She has dark full hair and a tiny, skinny body. Her room has lots of mirrors and makeup and women's magazines. I ask her about what she thinks of her stepmom, but she doesn't want to talk to me.
Then I'm on the beach with a group of people from the house. Mom comes walking up from behind, wrapped in a brown blanket. I hear some of the women comment about how everyone knows that she is totally crazy. She is the first wife of the guy who owns the house; they're still married, but he's with a new woman -- Mom just stays in her section of the house, regarded as the madwoman. Mom runs up to the front of the group and pulls her blanket open to reveal her body (to the man?). She wants everyone to see her. She just stands there naked. I have a videocamera in my hand, and I'm taping the whole event. I make sure to film her body. She's slim, with small, sagging breasts.

- FIN -

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