dreams: Thursday, February 8, 2001
my anger towards mom in Granddaddy's house
I'm at Granddaddy's house with Phoebe and Mom. Other relatives are here too. I can here Lori in another room; she's crying loudly. There is an unspoken controversy about a lawsuit that Granddaddy has been involved in for the last few years. Apparently he is now asking the other people (those being sued) to pay for part of it. Morally this doesn't seem right, since he's the one suing them. There are some other political/economic issues involved too. Mom, Phoebe and I are quietly talking about it.
Granddaddy is in the other room. Lori is crying. Everyone is upset. It seems like Granddaddy is doing something that upsets us and makes us mad, but no one will talk about it. Nobody wants to ruffle feathers or challenge him.
The room has walls that are painted a distinct color: bright, deep orangish-red. There is a big business card hanging on the wall, tilted diagonally; it is as large as a pillow, with the name "John Jones" (or something like that). Granddaddy comes out into this room. Patricia is here too. We're now standing around in a kitchen area. Phoebe is very upset but not saying anything. I can tell it is about this family controversy. She's mad, sulking and silent. Granddaddy's trying to talk to us. Mom is trying to make it look like everything is okay and that we feel fine about it. He asks about what's going on with Phoebe. Mom quickly jumps in and says to him that it's my fault. I say no, that she's trying to pin it on me but that Phoebe is actually upset about Granddaddy. I tell him that no one wants to say anything out loud. Mom gets defensive, saying it's totally my fault. She doesn't want to challenge her father.
I get very mad at Mom. She's standing in front of me -- face to face. I want to punch her face but I know I shouldn't. Her face is right in front of me, especially tan and expressive. I grab her face with both my hands, stretching the outer corners of her eyes down towards the corners of her mouth (while also pulling her mouth corners upwards -- like a funny face that kids make to be goofy). I want to hurt her. I'm furious. I want to show her that she doesn't have power over me. I want to release the truth and show that the issue is about Granddaddy, not me. I hate Mom. I want to cause her great pain. I feel anger anger ANGER.
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