Compiled by Elaine Huang

Welcome to the new Jeff Lockman Poetry Page. What? You say you didn't know
that Jeff wrote poetry? Well, we don't know that he does either. The following
are works composed about the lovely Mr. Lockman by a number of respected poets.

If you have any short poems or haikus that you would like to submit to the Jeff Lockman Poetry Page, please email them to If I print your poem, I will credit you and give you a cool title. I cannot, however, remunerate you for your submissions because the Jeff Lockman Pages are a non-profit organization.



a veritable
churning and churning
NMR and phenolic compounds
discourse on hegemony
"If one more frosh complains to me about how much work they have, I'll fuckin' kill 'em"
so gentle
babbling brook
always running, running
why won't you stop running?
oh, it's because you're on the cross country team
turkey sandwich, coke, milk
and crack, always crack
swaying in the wind
oh jeff,
you are the sunshine, or at least a halogen lamp

-Jessica Alwes Howington
She Who Wears Bright Socks

Poet's notes on this piece:
" I cannot handle the restraints of a haiku. My love for Jeff overfloweth into more than 3 lines."

A Jeff Lockman Haiku

He has shapely calves
And a house in Michigan.
He's no one's Bitch Boy.

A jeff lockman sonnet

Oh, how to list Jeff's many qualities?
They are so numerous and so quickly seen,
Whene'er he spouts his quotes of Lockman-ese
Or dons his coat of eco-friendly green.

His vast knowledge of chemicals is known
As well as his kind nature, never callous.
But yet methinks he surely stands alone
In representing the almighty phallus.

All week he runs to lab and then around
The track, the roads; wherever legs can go.
But Sunday afternoon he can be found
Playing Erasure on his radio show.

He helps his friends to hold on to their sanity.
He is a fine example of humanity!

-Kelli Tennent
Queen of the Girls' Bathroom

My Love Haiku for a Boy Named Jeffrey

Jeff, I love you so.
I think about you always.
So now I will stalk you.

A Jeff Limmerick

Jeff, a young Swarthmore lad
Could drive all the ladies mad.
"I love him!" they'd whine,
"His ass is soooooo fine!
It makes Kevin Costner's look bad!"

-Elaine Huang
Keeper of the Page

Poet's Note on this Piece:
"I'm watching you Jeff... I can see you..."

The Y-Word

Yadda yadda Jeff
Yadda yadda yadda Jeff
Yadda yadda Jeff

Heavy Equipment

Jeffrey uses a
Spherical oscillator
When he is perky


Jeff is the bearer
Of unconditional dick
Yay for Alanis

Look Out, Hammer

Jeff, dance, I tell you
Jeff, dance as never before
Jeff, shake that booty

Biology I

Fuck, shit, goddamn it
No, that can't be fucking right
Said Jeff about lab

-Matt Neal
Poet of Sorts

Poet's Note on this Anthology:
"Yes, they're all dumb, so don't feel bad about leaving them off the page. I'll think of more later..."


Chemistry gangsta
Quotable guru, how wise
Like fine malt liquor

Patrick Friel
-Avid My Little Pony Collector


The poems above are fine and good
'Tis pitty that few contain any food
Elaine, Jeff and I, a jolly ol' bunch
Quite frequently met last summer for lunch

A runner is Jeff, he must eat a lot
To longer maintain that muscle he's got
The food that he brought quite often looked bad
But Jeff, our man, he never was sad

Elaine's melba toast and my S-E-J*
Our efforts combined made Jeff's day O-K
Compile he did those nasty programs (accent on a in programs)
But all that he wanted were honey-sweet hams

*Snoby European Junk

-Yura S. Shubin
Super Speller

Poet's notes on this piece:
"Now I am immortal!! Whah Ha Ha Haaaaaa!!!"

Wielding Willowed Windows

Jeff the Jelly of Josh
Wandering the breezes
Delving a delicions mosh
I snooze the snorting sneezes

What claims have I to compensate?
What lucky love to find?
Oh.. companions to commiserate
The binding of the blind.

What the hell was I talking of?
A long word on the lure, love?
What of this Lockman fellow?
The beast and breath, of whom, do bellow.

I don't fucking know this guy.
Is there nothing you want to buy?

-Chia Pet
Random Web Poet from Idaho

Click to go to Elaine's Big Page O' Jeff
Click to go to the Jeff Lockman Quote Page