compiled by Elaine Huang

"It's like my own cult, except without the brainwashing."
-Jeff Lockman(a.k.a Bitch, tease, goddess on his knees)

-Geez, I'd hate to be a rat's prostate.

-They have cherry pie? Fuck that peach shit.

-Tuna fish, Butter. Tuna fuckin' fish. So that's what it's come to.

-I have eighteenth century British booty to attend to.

-I don't want to be thinking about masturbating turtles all night.

-Imagine a Quarter Pounder. Now imagine fifty-six of them.

-Just imagine me and my friends with a butane torch, knowing how neat it is that molten plastic ignites paper.

-Lots of large men is the part I remember most.

-Toast tongs...toast tongs...toast tongs...

-Easter? I haven't even picked out a dress yet.

-For this conversation, the part of Ian will be played by Jeff. "Green Beer!"

-Hey. Hey now. Hey. Don't you be dissin' alphabetical order.

-CH2Cl2. Good shit.

-The jiggling just makes it look so good.

-Sturgeon are really big. You'd have a really hard time keeping one at your side.

-Let's take one of the top five most sensitive areas of your body and drive a big metal spike through it.

-We've secretly replaced this Villanova frat boy with Ian. Let's see if the audience can tell the difference.

-Mmmm... meat, or mmmm... Matt.

-Hello? Goy in the house?

-Two words for you, Butter, two words: conical bras.

-People are fucking like bunnies. They should use that phrase more in census documents.

-Eight-foot palm. Eight-foot fucking palm.

-I want to do my Bio II project on giraffes. 'Day 1: Saw no giraffes. Day 2: Still no giraffes...'

-I think I would be rather toasty if Kim could breathe fire.

-[in reference to mysterious pillars outside Kohlberg Hall] It's like Stonehenge, only with wood. It's like Woodhenge.

-See that girl, watch that scene, dig it, Elaine's mom.

-This is the time in Sharples when we dance.

-Yadda yadda yadda discourse, yadda yadda yadda lesbianism, yadda yadda yadda power, yadda yadda yadda patriarchy...

-I'm almost plum out of women's underwear!

-Does the word syphillis mean anything to you?

-These are my mom's famous ground beef brownies.

-Then God said to Noah, "Insert tab A into slot B."

-We talk about sorbet, you talk about penises. We talk about work, you talk about penises. Yadda yadda yadda penis penis.

-Penis penis penis penis. I have to give a book report tomorrow.

-Sometimes I go weeks without saying anything funny.

-Labs! Labs! Labs! That's not just saying it three times, that's having it three times.

-There's a TV on third! Aaron, to the batmobile!

-SEX? Yeah, help yourself.

-Fou-fuckin'-cault!

-With friends like you, who needs people to make fun of me?

-We've been so fuckin' productive. Cake!

-Her head's going to fly off! Her head's going to fly off!

-No. No no no. We'll have no taunting of Elaine with Ben's pants.

-Will all the people with genitals please leave the room? We'd like to get started.

-If I had a nickel for every person who wanted to see my ass, I could buy a soda or something.

-Shrink-wrapped ass?!

-Cook, little fishy, cook, cook! Cook like the wind!

-Nothing like a nice song about stalking. Makes me want to dance!

-[In reference to plaid desktop pattern] It's like my computer goes to Catholic school.

-Imagine a frying pan -- hitting you in the head every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between 9:30 and 10:20.

-The wack-o-meter is going off the scale.

-You can't tempt me with so many balls of yarn...

-Matt could be masturbating; I wouldn't be frightened.

-While the binding affinity is this, it's nothing compared to the affinity I have for your momma.

-Hey Ian, they're magically fucking delicious, okay?

-It's a damn shame it's not called the Kelli Tennent quote board, isn't it?

-Obviously you've never been to the mall with me. Imagine lots of twelve-year-old girls, pointing. And laughing.

-I like shopping for shoes, despite not being a pimp. Maybe I should be a pimp; it could supplement the clinic job.

-But what is ass composed of if not more ass?

-I like calcium as much as the next guy, but hey, enough's enough.

-Fiend, fiend, fiend! These are really bad peas.

-How can you be in things like calendars with snakes all over you if they're scared of you, Elaine?

-There are a lot of people who really don't have anything better to do than follow my life.

-After all, what are pennies but big sequins?

-That Idaho guy scares me.

-Nothing looks trashier than a synchronized swimmer with smeared eyeliner.

-Al Bloom looks even more dwarf-like in a big robe with puffy sleeves. Him and Boccio. We need five more of them, and lots of singing.

-Isn't it strange that co-workers and cow-workers are almost the same word?

-Why are most chem majors so annoying? Damn scientists.

-Elaine, I don't think you're a bad person. A lying bitch, maybe...

-Will Condor crash with too many pong processes? Or is that just an Atari?

-The should rename "Reese's Pieces" "Reese's Pieces of ass." Probably a bad marketing move though.

-This is Sonja's special phlegm toast. It's a special around here.

-Condom, schmondom. You're not going see her again, so what's it matter anyway?

-[In reference to "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls]
i had a little love...
but i let it wash down the bathtub drain.
now i got bigger one.

-[In reference to Chris Fanjul's bids for election to policy board] I don't think I'll run again. Let him be beaten by someone else. Some snot-nosed '01er.

-Mmm...It's my favorite, wicker! Wicker fajitas! "I'm sorry, we had no beef or chicken left..."

-We can just hang out and watch TV. We get USA so we can watch soft porn. Overly soft porn. Squishy porn.

-[In reference to a screaming baby] That's when you slip it some Demerol.

-I'll explode! There'll be little bits of Jeff all over your apartment.

-Six months from now, I'll be 21. Years from now, I'll be 20, 30, 40..., 50, and beyond.

-I like my fruit to remain stationary. I don't like dynamic fruit. Static fruit.

-You know you're one of the few people that I can use the word 'cunnilingus' with and not feel embarassed. You and Matt and Ian.

-I like looking dainty.

-I get to be Sporty Spice.

-Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam. That should be a new Smucker's flavor.

-I'll take my nucleophilic substitution over Hegel any day.

-I'm like Bob Fuckin' Yang.

-I get out of the car, I step in a puddle. I get back in the car, I step in the very same puddle. Pavlov, my ass.

-The refrigerator is packed solid with his shit. Not literally, that would be a health code violation.

-Goddamn lunar calendar... I got a moon they can look at!

-You just keep your lumpy goodness to yourself.

-I still haven't found an easter dress, so I guess I'll just go to chuch like I always do, either in a tank top and ripped jeans or just wrapped in saran wrap.

- It's Saturday night and I'm home alone. And I'm not nearly as cute as Macauley Culkin. Well, maybe I am, but that's not the point.

***Bonus Aaron Marsh Quote***

-Fish eyes: the other white meat. What's the other red meat? Rat? Possum?




And the reviews are in! Listen to what people have to say about the Jeff Lockman Quote Page...

"I LOVE IT!"
	-John Rieffel
	  Swarthmore College Computer Society

	  Senior VP in charge of Good Stuff

"That's funny!  How come he never says those things when I'm around?"	
	-David Hanson
	  Art Starz Weekly

"Geez!  He's going to get a girlfriend from this thing..."
	-Amy Karpinski
	  Film Goddess

"It's just like hanging out with Jeff except there's no Erasure."
	-Kelli Tennent
	  Totally Hot Mama

"You know, those quotes make Jeff seem a lot cooler than he really is!"
	-Adam Preset
	  All-around Computer Guy	

"There are a lot of dirty words on that page... "
	-Dorothy Huang
	  Swingin' Sistah

"I didn't realize Jeff was so incredibly quotable!"
	-Jonathan Hauze
	  Lead guitarist of revolutionary rock band PHIL

"If I knew him, it would be a lot more fulfilling."
	-Martine Claremont
	  Golf Widow

"Hee hee, I never realized he was such a riot out of context..."
	-Aaron Hertzmann
	  Pseudo-Swattie

"I don't think he's worth it, personally.  I don't know him though."
	-'Chia Pet'
	  Da Ho

"I think I blocked it out of my mind."
        -Josh Lifton
          Upstanding, well-respected citizen 

"I'm so excited!"
	-Raven Lipmanson
	  A woman with a Printer


"I always thought you were funny, Jeff.  Raven didn't, but I always did."
	-Cynnie Curl
	 Friendly Neighbor

"I knew that Jeff Lockman was going to make it big when he came to my room 
and said:
	Quick to the point, to the point no fakin'
	Cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon
into my new computer microphone.  I immortalized him right then and there 
in a HyperCard program."
	-Anya Schwender
	 One Bad Mutha

"You think you can hang with Smallie Biggs?  Only Jeff Lockman can hang with Smallie Biggs!"
	-John-Paul Pagano
	aka Smallie Biggs



Other Jeff Links:

Back to the Big Page O' Jeff
Or visit the Jeff Lockman Poetry Page