compiled by Elaine Huang

"It's like my own cult, except without the brainwashing."
-Jeff Lockman(a.k.a Bitch, tease, goddess on his knees)

-Geez, I'd hate to be a rat's prostate.

-They have cherry pie? Fuck that peach shit.

-Tuna fish, Butter. Tuna fuckin' fish. So that's what it's come to.

-I have eighteenth century British booty to attend to.

-I don't want to be thinking about masturbating turtles all night.

-Imagine a Quarter Pounder. Now imagine fifty-six of them.

-Just imagine me and my friends with a butane torch, knowing how neat it is that molten plastic ignites paper.

-Lots of large men is the part I remember most.

-Toast tongs...toast tongs...toast tongs...

-Easter? I haven't even picked out a dress yet.

-For this conversation, the part of Ian will be played by Jeff. "Green Beer!"

-Hey. Hey now. Hey. Don't you be dissin' alphabetical order.

-CH2Cl2. Good shit.

-The jiggling just makes it look so good.

-Sturgeon are really big. You'd have a really hard time keeping one at your side.

-Let's take one of the top five most sensitive areas of your body and drive a big metal spike through it.

-We've secretly replaced this Villanova frat boy with Ian. Let's see if the audience can tell the difference.

-Mmmm... meat, or mmmm... Matt.

-Hello? Goy in the house?

-Two words for you, Butter, two words: conical bras.

-People are fucking like bunnies. They should use that phrase more in census documents.

-Eight-foot palm. Eight-foot fucking palm.

-I want to do my Bio II project on giraffes. 'Day 1: Saw no giraffes. Day 2: Still no giraffes...'

-I think I would be rather toasty if Kim could breathe fire.

-[in reference to mysterious pillars outside Kohlberg Hall] It's like Stonehenge, only with wood. It's like Woodhenge.

-See that girl, watch that scene, dig it, Elaine's mom.

-This is the time in Sharples when we dance.

-Yadda yadda yadda discourse, yadda yadda yadda lesbianism, yadda yadda yadda power, yadda yadda yadda patriarchy...

-I'm almost plum out of women's underwear!

-Does the word syphillis mean anything to you?

-These are my mom's famous ground beef brownies.

-Then God said to Noah, "Insert tab A into slot B."

-We talk about sorbet, you talk about penises. We talk about work, you talk about penises. Yadda yadda yadda penis penis.

-Penis penis penis penis. I have to give a book report tomorrow.

-Sometimes I go weeks without saying anything funny.

-Labs! Labs! Labs! That's not just saying it three times, that's having it three times.

-There's a TV on third! Aaron, to the batmobile!

-SEX? Yeah, help yourself.


-With friends like you, who needs people to make fun of me?

-We've been so fuckin' productive. Cake!

-Her head's going to fly off! Her head's going to fly off!

-No. No no no. We'll have no taunting of Elaine with Ben's pants.

-Will all the people with genitals please leave the room? We'd like to get started.

-If I had a nickel for every person who wanted to see my ass, I could buy a soda or something.

-Shrink-wrapped ass?!

-Cook, little fishy, cook, cook! Cook like the wind!

-Nothing like a nice song about stalking. Makes me want to dance!

-[In reference to plaid desktop pattern] It's like my computer goes to Catholic school.

-Imagine a frying pan -- hitting you in the head every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between 9:30 and 10:20.

-The wack-o-meter is going off the scale.

-You can't tempt me with so many balls of yarn...

-Matt could be masturbating; I wouldn't be frightened.

-While the binding affinity is this, it's nothing compared to the affinity I have for your momma.

-Hey Ian, they're magically fucking delicious, okay?

-It's a damn shame it's not called the Kelli Tennent quote board, isn't it?

-Obviously you've never been to the mall with me. Imagine lots of twelve-year-old girls, pointing. And laughing.

-I like shopping for shoes, despite not being a pimp. Maybe I should be a pimp; it could supplement the clinic job.

-But what is ass composed of if not more ass?

-I like calcium as much as the next guy, but hey, enough's enough.

-Fiend, fiend, fiend! These are really bad peas.

-How can you be in things like calendars with snakes all over you if they're scared of you, Elaine?

-There are a lot of people who really don't have anything better to do than follow my life.

-After all, what are pennies but big sequins?

-That Idaho guy scares me.

-Nothing looks trashier than a synchronized swimmer with smeared eyeliner.

-Al Bloom looks even more dwarf-like in a big robe with puffy sleeves. Him and Boccio. We need five more of them, and lots of singing.

-Isn't it strange that co-workers and cow-workers are almost the same word?

-Why are most chem majors so annoying? Damn scientists.

-Elaine, I don't think you're a bad person. A lying bitch, maybe...

-Will Condor crash with too many pong processes? Or is that just an Atari?

-The should rename "Reese's Pieces" "Reese's Pieces of ass." Probably a bad marketing move though.

-This is Sonja's special phlegm toast. It's a special around here.

-Condom, schmondom. You're not going see her again, so what's it matter anyway?

-[In reference to "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls]
i had a little love...
but i let it wash down the bathtub drain.
now i got bigger one.

-[In reference to Chris Fanjul's bids for election to policy board] I don't think I'll run again. Let him be beaten by someone else. Some snot-nosed '01er.

-Mmm...It's my favorite, wicker! Wicker fajitas! "I'm sorry, we had no beef or chicken left..."

-We can just hang out and watch TV. We get USA so we can watch soft porn. Overly soft porn. Squishy porn.

-[In reference to a screaming baby] That's when you slip it some Demerol.

-I'll explode! There'll be little bits of Jeff all over your apartment.

-Six months from now, I'll be 21. Years from now, I'll be 20, 30, 40..., 50, and beyond.

-I like my fruit to remain stationary. I don't like dynamic fruit. Static fruit.

-You know you're one of the few people that I can use the word 'cunnilingus' with and not feel embarassed. You and Matt and Ian.

-I like looking dainty.

-I get to be Sporty Spice.

-Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam. That should be a new Smucker's flavor.

-I'll take my nucleophilic substitution over Hegel any day.

-I'm like Bob Fuckin' Yang.

-I get out of the car, I step in a puddle. I get back in the car, I step in the very same puddle. Pavlov, my ass.

-The refrigerator is packed solid with his shit. Not literally, that would be a health code violation.

-Goddamn lunar calendar... I got a moon they can look at!

-You just keep your lumpy goodness to yourself.

-I still haven't found an easter dress, so I guess I'll just go to chuch like I always do, either in a tank top and ripped jeans or just wrapped in saran wrap.

- It's Saturday night and I'm home alone. And I'm not nearly as cute as Macauley Culkin. Well, maybe I am, but that's not the point.

***Bonus Aaron Marsh Quote***

-Fish eyes: the other white meat. What's the other red meat? Rat? Possum?

And the reviews are in! Listen to what people have to say about the Jeff Lockman Quote Page...

	-John Rieffel
	  Swarthmore College Computer Society

	  Senior VP in charge of Good Stuff

"That's funny!  How come he never says those things when I'm around?"	
	-David Hanson
	  Art Starz Weekly

"Geez!  He's going to get a girlfriend from this thing..."
	-Amy Karpinski
	  Film Goddess

"It's just like hanging out with Jeff except there's no Erasure."
	-Kelli Tennent
	  Totally Hot Mama

"You know, those quotes make Jeff seem a lot cooler than he really is!"
	-Adam Preset
	  All-around Computer Guy	

"There are a lot of dirty words on that page... "
	-Dorothy Huang
	  Swingin' Sistah

"I didn't realize Jeff was so incredibly quotable!"
	-Jonathan Hauze
	  Lead guitarist of revolutionary rock band PHIL

"If I knew him, it would be a lot more fulfilling."
	-Martine Claremont
	  Golf Widow

"Hee hee, I never realized he was such a riot out of context..."
	-Aaron Hertzmann

"I don't think he's worth it, personally.  I don't know him though."
	-'Chia Pet'
	  Da Ho

"I think I blocked it out of my mind."
        -Josh Lifton
          Upstanding, well-respected citizen 

"I'm so excited!"
	-Raven Lipmanson
	  A woman with a Printer

"I always thought you were funny, Jeff.  Raven didn't, but I always did."
	-Cynnie Curl
	 Friendly Neighbor

"I knew that Jeff Lockman was going to make it big when he came to my room 
and said:
	Quick to the point, to the point no fakin'
	Cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon
into my new computer microphone.  I immortalized him right then and there 
in a HyperCard program."
	-Anya Schwender
	 One Bad Mutha

"You think you can hang with Smallie Biggs?  Only Jeff Lockman can hang with Smallie Biggs!"
	-John-Paul Pagano
	aka Smallie Biggs

Other Jeff Links:

Back to the Big Page O' Jeff
Or visit the Jeff Lockman Poetry Page