-Geez, I'd hate to be a rat's prostate.
-They have cherry pie? Fuck that peach shit.
-Tuna fish, Butter. Tuna fuckin' fish. So that's what it's come to.
-I have eighteenth century British booty to attend to.
-I don't want to be thinking about masturbating turtles all night.
-Imagine a Quarter Pounder. Now imagine fifty-six of them.
-Just imagine me and my friends with a butane torch, knowing how neat it is that molten plastic ignites paper.
-Lots of large men is the part I remember most.
-Toast tongs...toast tongs...toast tongs...
-Easter? I haven't even picked out a dress yet.
-For this conversation, the part of Ian will be played by Jeff. "Green Beer!"
-Hey. Hey now. Hey. Don't you be dissin' alphabetical order.
-CH2Cl2. Good shit.
-The jiggling just makes it look so good.
-Sturgeon are really big. You'd have a really hard time keeping one at your side.
-Let's take one of the top five most sensitive areas of your body and drive a big metal spike through it.
-We've secretly replaced this Villanova frat boy with Ian. Let's see if the audience can tell the difference.
-Mmmm... meat, or mmmm... Matt.
-Hello? Goy in the house?
-Two words for you, Butter, two words: conical bras.
-People are fucking like bunnies. They should use that phrase more in census documents.
-Eight-foot palm. Eight-foot fucking palm.
-I want to do my Bio II project on giraffes. 'Day 1: Saw no giraffes. Day 2: Still no giraffes...'
-I think I would be rather toasty if Kim could breathe fire.
-[in reference to mysterious pillars outside Kohlberg Hall] It's like Stonehenge, only with wood. It's like Woodhenge.
-See that girl, watch that scene, dig it, Elaine's mom.
-This is the time in Sharples when we dance.
-Yadda yadda yadda discourse, yadda yadda yadda lesbianism, yadda yadda yadda power, yadda yadda yadda patriarchy...
-I'm almost plum out of women's underwear!
-Does the word syphillis mean anything to you?
-These are my mom's famous ground beef brownies.
-Then God said to Noah, "Insert tab A into slot B."
-We talk about sorbet, you talk about penises. We talk about work, you talk about penises. Yadda yadda yadda penis penis.
-Penis penis penis penis. I have to give a book report tomorrow.
-Sometimes I go weeks without saying anything funny.
-Labs! Labs! Labs! That's not just saying it three times, that's having it three times.
-There's a TV on third! Aaron, to the batmobile!
-SEX? Yeah, help yourself.
-Fou-fuckin'-cault!
-With friends like you, who needs people to make fun of me?
-We've been so fuckin' productive. Cake!
-Her head's going to fly off! Her head's going to fly off!
-No. No no no. We'll have no taunting of Elaine with Ben's pants.
-Will all the people with genitals please leave the room? We'd like to get started.
-If I had a nickel for every person who wanted to see my ass, I could buy a soda or something.
-Shrink-wrapped ass?!
-Cook, little fishy, cook, cook! Cook like the wind!
-Nothing like a nice song about stalking. Makes me want to dance!
-[In reference to plaid desktop pattern] It's like my computer goes to Catholic school.
-Imagine a frying pan -- hitting you in the head every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between 9:30 and 10:20.
-The wack-o-meter is going off the scale.
-You can't tempt me with so many balls of yarn...
-Matt could be masturbating; I wouldn't be frightened.
-While the binding affinity is this, it's nothing compared to the affinity I have for your momma.
-Hey Ian, they're magically fucking delicious, okay?
-It's a damn shame it's not called the Kelli Tennent quote board, isn't it?
-Obviously you've never been to the mall with me. Imagine lots of twelve-year-old girls, pointing. And laughing.
-I like shopping for shoes, despite not being a pimp. Maybe I should be a pimp; it could supplement the clinic job.
-But what is ass composed of if not more ass?
-I like calcium as much as the next guy, but hey, enough's enough.
-Fiend, fiend, fiend! These are really bad peas.
-How can you be in things like calendars with snakes all over you if they're scared of you, Elaine?
-There are a lot of people who really don't have anything better to do than follow my life.
-After all, what are pennies but big sequins?
-That Idaho guy scares me.
-Nothing looks trashier than a synchronized swimmer with smeared eyeliner.
-Al Bloom looks even more dwarf-like in a big robe with puffy sleeves. Him and Boccio. We need five more of them, and lots of singing.
-Isn't it strange that co-workers and cow-workers are almost the same word?
-Why are most chem majors so annoying? Damn scientists.
-Elaine, I don't think you're a bad person. A lying bitch, maybe...
-Will Condor crash with too many pong processes? Or is that just an Atari?
-The should rename "Reese's Pieces" "Reese's Pieces of ass." Probably a bad marketing move though.
-This is Sonja's special phlegm toast. It's a special around here.
-Condom, schmondom. You're not going see her again, so what's it matter anyway?
-[In reference to "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls]
i had a little love...
but i let it wash down the bathtub drain.
now i got bigger one.
-[In reference to Chris Fanjul's bids for election to policy board] I don't think I'll run again. Let him be beaten by someone else. Some snot-nosed '01er.
-Mmm...It's my favorite, wicker! Wicker fajitas! "I'm sorry, we had no beef or chicken left..."
-We can just hang out and watch TV. We get USA so we can watch soft porn. Overly soft porn. Squishy porn.
-[In reference to a screaming baby] That's when you slip it some Demerol.
-I'll explode! There'll be little bits of Jeff all over your apartment.
-Six months from now, I'll be 21. Years from now, I'll be 20, 30, 40..., 50, and beyond.
-I like my fruit to remain stationary. I don't like dynamic fruit. Static fruit.
-You know you're one of the few people that I can use the word 'cunnilingus' with and not feel embarassed. You and Matt and Ian.
-I like looking dainty.
-I get to be Sporty Spice.
-Shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam. That should be a new Smucker's flavor.
-I'll take my nucleophilic substitution over Hegel any day.
-I'm like Bob Fuckin' Yang.
-I get out of the car, I step in a puddle. I get back in the car, I step in the very same puddle. Pavlov, my ass.
-The refrigerator is packed solid with his shit. Not literally, that would be a health code violation.
-Goddamn lunar calendar... I got a moon they can look at!
-You just keep your lumpy goodness to yourself.
-I still haven't found an easter dress, so I guess I'll just go to chuch like I always do, either in a tank top and ripped jeans or just wrapped in saran wrap.
- It's Saturday night and I'm home alone. And I'm not nearly as cute as Macauley Culkin. Well, maybe I am, but that's not the point.
-Fish eyes: the other white meat. What's the other red meat? Rat? Possum?
"I LOVE IT!" -John Rieffel Swarthmore College Computer Society Senior VP in charge of Good Stuff "That's funny! How come he never says those things when I'm around?" -David Hanson Art Starz Weekly "Geez! He's going to get a girlfriend from this thing..." -Amy Karpinski Film Goddess "It's just like hanging out with Jeff except there's no Erasure." -Kelli Tennent Totally Hot Mama "You know, those quotes make Jeff seem a lot cooler than he really is!" -Adam Preset All-around Computer Guy "There are a lot of dirty words on that page... " -Dorothy Huang Swingin' Sistah "I didn't realize Jeff was so incredibly quotable!" -Jonathan Hauze Lead guitarist of revolutionary rock band PHIL "If I knew him, it would be a lot more fulfilling." -Martine Claremont Golf Widow "Hee hee, I never realized he was such a riot out of context..." -Aaron Hertzmann Pseudo-Swattie "I don't think he's worth it, personally. I don't know him though." -'Chia Pet' Da Ho "I think I blocked it out of my mind." -Josh Lifton Upstanding, well-respected citizen "I'm so excited!" -Raven Lipmanson A woman with a Printer "I always thought you were funny, Jeff. Raven didn't, but I always did." -Cynnie Curl Friendly Neighbor "I knew that Jeff Lockman was going to make it big when he came to my room and said: Quick to the point, to the point no fakin' Cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon into my new computer microphone. I immortalized him right then and there in a HyperCard program." -Anya Schwender One Bad Mutha "You think you can hang with Smallie Biggs? Only Jeff Lockman can hang with Smallie Biggs!" -John-Paul Pagano aka Smallie Biggs