may 12, 1999
4:21 in the morning and i had sort of decided not to write tonight but something drew me to it anyway.
walking back tonight, after radio, after sitting in wsrn just taping albums, listening to music, after stopping by maya's room to eat papaya which rhymes with her name and look at photos... this is one to the left... after returning the radio station key to ben west i walked home and i'd been having these thoughts, these sort of tired, lazy thoughts exacerbated by the fact that my ankle's still sorta under the weather and that they're doing construction on the bridge so i had to walk the long way... and i'd been wishing the shuttle was still running, wishing someone would give me a ride, or wishing i lived closer or something... but by the time i got near ppr i realized how wonderful it had been to walk, to have that moment of time to myself with all the voices in my head silenced except for my own, and it was this sense of love and anticipation, knowing i'd walk in and find my roommates and eve probably all on the bed, and i did, and it was good, it was wonderful, but i was so thankful i'd taken that time outside just to realize it... as i was cutting through the hedge to the circle driveway in front of pitt and palmer i stepped into the thick dark shadow of a treetrunk and my shadow disappeared and i thought about the moment, thought about how i'd maybe like to write about it. not any special metaphor, not any deep significance, just the blending of light and shadow and my own dark shape being swallowed by the dark shape on the ground. earlier, leaving the trainers, i'd noticed the curve of my shadow on the ground and it's always so funny to look at my shadow when it's taller and thinner or shorter and thicker than i am... like a funhouse mirror or a fantasy... it's somehow disturbing to look at myself in a long, late afternoon shadow and realize that the long spindly legs, the tiny waist are finally approaching the size of a magazine models, but it's only when i've been stretched by the sun's rack... like some procrustean bed (which mc wrote a great sestina about a few weeks ago in workshop)... i don't know though, i've been feeling so happy lately with my life and my self and my body is one part of that... and despite the fact that it's injured we've been getting along really well lately. contact improv has been so great for me. i can do handstands! i never thought i'd be able to do such a thing and it was such an amazing revolution... i can support my weight on my hands and i can look at the world upside down... quite honestly probably the most exciting thing i learned all semester, not to knock my academic classes....
and ah, it's time for bed now, i need to pack in the morning and i need to sleep and god, i wish these last few days weren't going so fast...