monday may 10, 1999

it's 1:26 in the afternoon. i woke up only recently, after yet again staying up until 5 or so in the morning. now i'm listening to aden... "haunt me" just ended, probably my favorite song on this album. when i woke up ary was playing buena vista social club in the other room. it was a great album to wake up to. there's something so weirdly disorienting about waking up late... my eating schedule lately has gotten completely screwed up. like right now... i'm hungry, but i'm not sure what or when i'm going to eat.

and part of me likes the hunger. it fits with my state of mind somehow. which is this weird sadness... i don't want things to be ending. i was looking at the dresses in my closet, trying to figure out which i'll take home over the summer and which i'll leave here, and i looked at my black and gold glitter one that i bought at the trinity thrift shop a couple months ago... we call it my boogie nights dress... and i realized that i had no real reason to take it home. it's hot, and there's no events for which i'd need a black and gold glitter boogie nights dress anyway. and what it comes down to is that part of me wants to take home the things... the books, the clothes... because it makes me feel closer to the people. which is what i really want to take home with me.

we had our poetry workshop dinner last night. it was a lot of fun and i'm really glad we did it. we brought gift poems for each other. i wrote one for sarah yahm. it was partly about rooftops. god, i'm going to miss these people. i don't remember being hit quite the same way last year... probably partly because i was distracted by beginning a relationship, and that made me not think as much about the friends i was leaving. although i know i thought about it some, with mary. since she was my only close senior friend, it felt really different than all my other friends. even the ones who were going to be abroad in the fall. that's another part of it... about half my class is going to be away next fall, according to some estimates. no. that's not it. that's not even what i'm worried about. except in the case of my three roommates, but i feel like that's something different.

oh... i've lost my attention span now. i'm going to go take a shower.

9:09 pm... back in the same place. you know, that's one of the things that's much nicer about a non-computer journal, is the ability to take it anywhere. it's nice to be able to write inside or outside or wherever you want to. yeah... as much as i enjoy other aspects of web-ness... being able to do colors and formatting and stuff (even if i rarely do cool formatting in my journal...) all that is nice... but i don't think it'll ever really replace the joy of holding something in my hand, something that i've made, that i've written in. i like flipping pages. letting old journals fall open to whatever page they fall open to. hm... so why am i doing this?

at our web meeting, chris was saying something about how, for him, the sense of obligation was important because it helped motivate him to write. and i think there's some of that for me. that i want to do this for myself, that i'm the person for whom it's most important to be doing this writing... i'm the one who will gain the most out of later reading these things... because i try not to be so egotistical as to think that others are really deeply affected by most of what i write... although i'm sure there's always that hope too, that someone else will identify with something i say, that it'll ring true with one other person... yeah, so i guess both parts are important to why i'm now writing in my web journal more than my other journal.

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