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I want to share a ripple with you from Young Heroes yesterday. I was a substitute team leader for a day. My group and I worked with Philadelphia Green to mix up a compost pile. We had to take all of the leaves out of the compost, spread them around, lay down an air circulation system, and put the leaves back. The Young Heroes were into the whole thing for about 20 minutes, then they started complaining. Some, though, continued to work through the complaining. Anyway, a few neighborhood children came over and asked if what we were doing had anything to do with the Easter Egg Hunt (this was scheduled for about 2 or 3 hours later). We told them it was unrelated but that they could help us if they wanted. Well, I tell you, they were the hardest workers there. Once they started they never stopped to take a break. Then, one child- I think a Young Hero- got and idea to use a wheelbarrow to move the leaves around. After that all the kids came back to work. We all worked hard to the time we had to leave. The compost pile is now doing better than it was before.
Not much I want to write personally. However, there are some things that I've
heard recently that I want to share:
Forgiveness is a choice. It happens by declaration, by your word only. Only a real person can forgive. Somebody did something to you, they hurt you real bad, they did something unforgivable, and you have a choice.
The Anger, the Bitterness, the Hatred, and the Resentment you carry inside of you keeps you from being able to live your own life with freedom and satisfaction, keeps you living in the past, and not present to the present.
It's you living with the upset, it's your life that's limited.
Forgiveness doesn't mean they didn't do what they did.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forget what happened, doesn't mean excuse what happened.Forgiveness means (letting go) of the anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment you're carrying around inside of you that has your own life not working.
Forgiveness means letting the person who did what they did to you be. Let go of thoughts of getting even, revenge, covertly & overtly, means stop taking it out on the person, give up trying to make their life miserable, let go of ignoring them, stop trying to get back at them.
Forgiveness means to stop judging the person, making them bad, wrong.
Forgiveness means where you did somthing to someone else, being willing to let go of the guilt, making yourself wrong, judging yourself.
Forgiveness means having compassion for the other person or for yourself.
Forgiveness means to give up the resentment against, and desire to punish, to stop being angry with, to pardon, to give as before. To let it be, to allow what happened to be.
Real Forgiveness. Responsibility means giving up blaming yourself, faulting yourself, and being cause.
Here's a poem I wrote while waiting for the bus home:
the river keeps going
rushing off to someplace
I don't know
but I hear cracks underneath the roar
like a log is being broken and swept off by it all
as if the man-made waterfall isn't strong enough
and it's not
I wonder if I build a dam
to hold back the rush
what would happen?
would it stop?
I don't think so
I think it would build up
and make the river deeper
the water would fall with a greater rush
more powerful
more threatening
isn't it funny that they made it deeper
just in order to build
a bridge over it?
and isn't if funny that hundreds of people
walk and ride and sing
drive, stomp, and run over
this bridge
not even thinking that where they are
sitting, standing, talking
there should be water
and not human
?
I cried a lot last night. I cried because I am hurt. I cried because I love Jackie and that love is being cut short. Or maybe I should say that now it hurts too much to love her and it hurts too much not to. Last night I wanted to give her a hug. NO, I wanted to hug her. I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything bad was now over, that I was here and we would smile soon. I find it easier to understand hatred than love. Hatred takes energy but there's not much thought involved. Love on the other hand takes unlimited energy and all my thought and yet I don't know if I'll ever understand it. I don't know why it happens or what it is. I know that it feels good when it is there and hurts like hell when it's taken away. I don't hate Jackie because I love her. I'm not angry with Jackie because she's feeling. We all feel but who really knows why.... It feels like love is such an overwhelming concept. If only I could understand why.... But really I think that knowing why would be even more overwhelming. Along with awareness comes pain, the pain of knowing that some things just are and no matter what I do they still will be. So I turn to a prayer to lead me through.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Maybe this prayer is to God. Or maybe it is to the Great Spirit of Life. I think maybe it is to myself. All I know is that each time I say it I get closer to my home, the place that this journey is leading to. I know myself juat a little bit more. I accept life just a little bit more. I learn to live, really live, without fear of pain, but acceptance of pain as a part of life and love just a little bit more. With each tear I grow in some direction, in some capacity. One day, I will love myself for who I am. I will accept myself for my strengths and my weaknesses. Only then will I really be able to understand another human being or organism. Then answers won't matter and questions will mean everything. Beauty will be everywhere I recognize it. Life will be life and death will be another part of life. Not a part to fear but a part to accept and love and respect just as much as any other part. Or maybe it will be something I will fight against for the rest of my life. That is until death wins.....
Surprise, surprise that I am rambling again. I don't quite understand everything that I have said, but I have felt it all since I started writing it. Maybe one of my weaknesses is that I don't have one stance on anything. But then maybe that's a strength. Or maybe it just is.
Serenity is my goal.
At Swarthmore... I was really nervous about coming here this weekend. I didn't know what to expect and I didn't know where I belonged. Not saying that I all of a sudden know these things, but the Great Spirit is working in mysterious ways. Things are just falling together. I had a great and much needed conversation with Jeff last night. He soothed one of my greatest fears. I really felt that I was in the wrong. I mean I thought I had been really screwing with Jackie's life. I felt horrible for being jealous. I really thought that my self-esteem was dropping sharply. And to top it off I felt that I was majorly responsible for mine and Jackie's break-up. Obviously I can't take all of the blame off of me, but I don't have to put it all on me either. Neither way is fair or in any way right. (Right as in correct...) I'll write more about this later. I want to focus some more on the positive first...
Right now I just want to thank my friends for being there for me for the past two days. I really needed you and you more than came through for me. If you don't know how just ask. I want you to know how much you all mean to me. Jeff, Pardus, Kwab, rock on! Thanks a million! Mwah!
I am so excited. I got my City Year uniform today- which I have been waiting for since I started in January. Eventually I'll have to take a picture of me in it- or someone else in it- and put it up here. The whole thing makes me finally feel a part of City Year. I don't have to worry about being mistaken for a student. I won't feel like a tresspasser when I'm standing next to my teammates. I mean, it wasn't devastating but it kind of sucked.
Anyway, I'm just really happy. Tommorrow will be my first service day in uniform. We're doing service for Septa as a whole corps. Then most likely I'll be staying at headquarters to help with Young Heroes Day of Fun. Don't know what we're doing tomorrow but I'm so excited cuz I'll be in uniform!
I guess it could be kind of confusing as to why I want this uniform so badly. Basically it's because of the power that comes from it. Not like evil power over people, but the feeling of having power in overcoming cynicism and putting idealism to work. The whole concept of City Year...! I mean, already today someone came up to me and recognized the City Year colors/ uniform. Soon, a majority of the city will know what we stand for. Then possibly we can move together to improve our community. We're just the people who are starting. It's everyone who has to continue it. As someone might say in City Year, "We're causing a ripple." It's this kind of power that can really cause you to be "high" on life. That's the kind of high I want. I can't imagine any feeling beating it. It feels so good to know that I AM helping the world. I AM doing my part. There's no question about it. The uniform is a symbol which represents people who change the world. I think that's pretty amazing.
Don't feel like writing much today. I told my team that Jackie and I broke up. This led into a discussion of gay relationships, relationships, and who knows else what... Anyway, it came from a feeling I found in myself this morning. I was thinking about whether to get up or to stay home. Since I don't really have a choice it seemed more productive to think about why I was having this lack of motivation. It came to me that I didn't have a reason to move forward through the week anymore. Before, it was always, "I can't wait to see Jackie so let's get this job done and get out of here." I did my work. Did some extra too. Always in my mind though was saving up hours so I could take time off to spend it with Jackie. (very amusing that the week I took off before was one of sickness and breaking up with Jackie ...what a vacation!) Now, I don't have much to look forward to... at least not in the immediate future. Weekends just don't seem as much fun. So, basically, I have to find something to work towards. A goal... A weekly goal that I'm gonna get no matter how hard the week is... In a way this could be a lot of fun to find. I just hope it's soon cuz I need that motivation to get up in the morning. It's weird that I didn't know that Jackie had that effect on me. I mean, is this a sign of love? or something bad??? Love, I hope...
It certainly has been a while since I've written. I thought maybe it was cuz I didn't feel like it or didn't have time. I was lying to myself. I was lying to you. Instead of using my journal as a release I ran from it. I'm also running from my life now. I don't mean at top speed like I did before, but I'm trying to sneak off so that no one notices, even myself. I keep hiding behind trees and hoping that I don't realize it until I'm gone. But really... how long can I run from myself before I catch up???
Last Thursday Jackie and I broke up. I realize that it was the right decision. I knew it then and I know it now. However, the only crying I've done has been in her presence. I haven't mourned my loss yet. Of course she hasn't died. But something has. Even if we are best friends after this calms down, things have changed. It's okay to cry but I'm so afraid. I went through months of crying for no reason and I'm scared that it will come back. Jackie gave me the strength to get through that time. She was there for me every step of the way. Now without her here, it's like I have to face this pain alone. Wait, I know that I'm not but I keep saying that I am. It feels awkward to talk to people as if talking to them will show my weaknesses. Why do I always have to be strong? Why do I have to prove it to everyone? It's like I only know how to talk to people as Jackie's girlfriend. It's time to be me again. I have to go back to my own footprints and walk my path.
It's so hard to let myself be loved when I don't have constant proof in front of me. When Jackie was there I knew that there was something. Now that she's gone I have difficulty in believing that she ever loved me. But she did! I know she did. I also find myself fearing Jackie's online journal. What if she is happy? Well, what if she is? What's so wrong with that? I wanted her to be happy before and dammit she should be happy now. Why do I have these fights with myself? If I know how I want to feel, why can't I just feel it? Ever since I met Jackie I wanted to be her friend. Now that I know her better I want to know her even more. But I won't lie and say that I don't want to be happy too. I want my friends to love me. I want to have fun. I wanted that before but I didn't want it as badly. I guess I need to learn how to be a friend. A real friend.
One more thing before I go. I just read Jackie's journal entry for today. I didn't mean to scare you, honey. I was working on a project til 10:30pm last night so I was exhausted when I got home. Now I'm sitting here typing when I should be at work.... Oops. But the one more thing... I have a fear of being replaced. I'm pretty sure it comes from the feelings of abandonment that I've felt since I was little. I'm not trying to get all Freudian on you, but I've been really hurt by my father. I've tried so hard to be someone whom he could love. Well, if you ever read this, Daddy, I'm tired! I can't live up to your never ending standards! All I wanted was for you to love me as much as Brian. I wanted two parents that cared not just one. Why? Why did you do this to me??? What did I do wrong? I don't deserve this!!! I love people so much. I want to be a teacher so that others can get the same opportunities that I had. I had everything I ever needed to have a great education. Why can't everyone? Why can't you accept that? Why do I have to want money? I'm happy with love and friends. What makes you happy? Is it money? Are you proud of me? of Brian? Or do you like making the lives of my family a living hell? What special link to your mind am I missing? What does Brian have that I don't? Would it really be that great if I had it? Would that make you happy? Let me know. I've been wondering for over a decade now and I'm tired. I'm bruised and I'm just tired.
Jackie came to City Year to help with Young Heroes last night. We led a game night for them which included Jeopardy!, Cherades, and Win, Lose, or Draw. The two teams- out of six- who had the highest scores at the end played in Family Feud against each other. Jackie and I led Jeopardy!. I had a great time. I'm pretty sure that Jackie enjoyed herself too.
I'm dragging Jackie into service next week. It's so important to me that she participates in community service. I'm not sure why, but I guess it has something to do with my ideals. Does it sound like I'm trying to change her? I guess I'm just hoping- praying really- that she's the kind of person who really gives a damn. It means a lot to me that the person I'm with has similar ideals to me. But anyway....
Working with the kids at Jackson is so fulfilling. Our team is doing a service learning project in which the children address concerns in their community through a school-wide newspaper. We will be teaching the children all the steps to making a newspaper and most of the kids will do all of the steps themselves (with our help.) I really want to give these children a voice. One class has had three different teachers this year, another has had five, some kids have been labeled as trouble makers without a chance of redeeming themselves. Who listens? Who really considers listening? Or being listened to? Not the teachers or the kids. Of course that comment doesn't refer to all of the teachers that I have met. One teacher in particular stands out from the rest. She has her third grade class learning more than the required curriculum. Right now they are tutoring the kindergarten in reading!!! They also do extra projects on friendship and other life skills of that nature. The class is so well-behaved and enthusiastic. Teaching this class last a in the day is a great way to end a hard day! : )
Sometimes, when I have so much to say, when I think a million things at once, the thoughts begin to disappear and others -like this one- come in their places. I get disappointed that what I meant to say did not get written down. I start to ramble and my mind becomes frustrated.
I called Jackie when I got home and she was upset. She gave me a summary of what happened today and told me to visit her web journal for more information. So she went off to her interview and I to her journal.
Unfortunately, it often makes me feel sad when I read Jackie's web journal. I get to read about things that I did that hurt her and her feelings for other people. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do love to get to know her better. Her journal is honest- though not always complete as she has stated in her pages. Something I'm trying to get at is that at times I can feel so far away from her and at others times I feel so close. It doesn't really have much to do with physical distance so much as emotional and... something... mental? experiential? I feel that I'm in a different place in my life. However, obviously we are sharing some place- some very intimate and meaningful and intense place. It's just that her journal can make me feel far away, like I don't know how she's feeling and I don't know what she's truly experiencing because of some hang-up of mine or just cuz she's she and I'm me.
I know that sometimes this feeling of distance has to do with my own low self-esteem- which leads to jealousy, one of the worst feelings known to me in all of my 20 years of existence. I think I would do anything to rid myself of that burning, that desperation to have what another has. I would definitely have to name jealousy as one of my weaknesses. I give in to whining and self-pity that invites jealousy right on into the door. This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it pierces me through, all the way through.
So I did read her journal. Then I went on to read some of Maya's web pages which Jackie refers to in her journal. When I went to Maya's pages I realized that she is definitely an inspiring person. So much so that I was overcome with ideas and feelings and the overwhelming need to express them. Yet, I still long to be someone who gives Jackie this inspiration. Maybe not the only one, but one of the ones. And maybe I even do... I'm not sure. Which makes me start to think that my self-esteem is low and depression is a reality. Then I start to pep talk myself on how I am a worthwile person (and such which Bob Gross so wonderfully shared with the frosh at Swarthmore College orientation.) And I know that at these hard times, these forks in the road, and in the midst of tangling vines with sharp thorns I have to be the strongest. Sometimes, it's like the vines creep over my eyes so that I cannot even see the light, the hope, the clearing ahead and I must trudge and trample my obstacles blind, remembering though not believing that just ahead lies a resting place that isnt' a mirage.
Which leads me to City Year and why even though my team absolutely frustrates me I continue to go every day. Maybe, I don't even realize how much I can change people, but I think that there is evidence to prove it. I'm not saying that I'm the only one. This is obviously not true. But I do my part to help those in my part of the universe. And I do it smiling, though I do complain at times. I love helping people. I enjoy working with the third graders at Kirkbride. The first time I tutored this one boy he was reading Level 3 books, not because he was on that level, but because he didn't want to go any higher. I asked hime to bring harder books- ones that he didn't know by heart- and he basically was like, "NO!" Okay... The next week he did bring Level 2 and he knew those books too. He had memorized most of them. He even had me memorize the words to one of the books. "I go up. I go down. I go to town." I did get him to read a book that I chose which was challenging for him. But then he was like, "Too hard. NO!" when I showed him another new book. Okay.... So last week he had another bucket of level three books which were again too easy for him. We ended that day by doing math flash cards which he rocked! I think that gave him a self-esteem boost- even though he had to have been past that level. He was too good at them. So today he brings a bucket of level 5 books which in itself surprised me because he flat out refused to go higher when I told him he was ready for harder books. I think we found a level which he should be working on. He could probably go one level higher, but he's still gaining my trust so I don't want to push him too far yet. I think that by the end of the year we will have made great progress. He will have another friend and hopefully more confidence in himself.
It's so hard to work in groups. I thought I was pretty good at it since I have had experience before. But really, it's something I still have to work on a lot.The Furness Teamlet is dysfunctional. Everyone on the teamlet agrees on that much. However, no one wants to try acting functional. I mean... they want to be functional but they're so used to not working as a team that they don't even know how to start heading in the right direction. So, I come on as a lowly mid-year and try to fix the team's problems. That's quite a task. It's been quite a task... Nearly impossible if not completely.
I tend to be a North. That's a City Year term for someone who tends to take charge in group settings. A North can be so busy trying to get work done that s/he doesn't notice important details. A North may be known as bossy and controlling. I am a North. I try to be as compassionate and inclusive as possible. I ask everyone for their opinion as much as I possibly can. Most of the time though my teammates- except for Jacob- don't have much feedback, either because they are too shy or don't care very much. At least this is my impression. Jacob is also a North. Our styles do not mix well. But then his style is so different from anyone else's on the teamlet that there's been conflict from the beginning. Not that it's all his fault. Shavonne never says anything that she's feeling so Jacob is completely unaware. (Of course this whole time Manny and Chris are somewhere else doing something else.) If Shavonne would just talk... If Jacob would just chill... If Manny and Chris would just be there 75% of the time... this teamlet could really work.
In other news, I guess I'm gonna have to pay for my education by myself. I don't know what my father's problem is but I can't trust him to be consistent in his feelings, opinions, or actions. So, I guess that leaves me with a huge bill and 3 years of education left to complete. Where there's a will, there's a way. I must live by this. I must keep going. I don't want to end up in some dark forest again, clawing my way through the tangled vines of depression. I'm in a clearing now and even though I can't stay here forever, nevertheless I want to enjoy this for as long as I can.