april 25

perhaps it is sometimes unwise to step back and look at your life. everything becomes a big question or overly serious, and that's no fun at all. sometimes i pray for less self-consciousness.

i feel like i've lead a wierd double life recently... partaking of two sides that i have always kept seperate. one day i'm on south street buying vinyl and dancing euphorically for hours to industrial goth music, and the next i'm sitting outside having a mellow picnic with bread and prosciutto, an existance that is without termoil or craziness. i can not picture my life without both of these (ok, i don't need vinyl, but dancing yes)... excitement is a counterweight for relaxation. together they make a balance. i want a tattoo... i want to be unmarked... i want to drink... i want to be sober...

why am i even thinking about all this... why not just live...

i guess i feel like it's time for some limits... i've sent out all these feelers to locate the boundaries of my spirit, and it's time to pull things in and become whole. i say this, and then i think "why control yourself? why not just do as you will, act naturally?" i ponder this endlessly... how much to think and how much to act. i guess i've put energy into things that aren't returning the right colors, and the energy sapped stings.

i can't believe i write this shit down... what's the point really...

i want more control over my life... i've never had anyone telling me what to do, so i've given myself too much freedom, and it's time to become real...