april 21

doug block came to swat tonight to show home page, his new movie about justin hall. it's also about intimacy, extremes, and the wild ride that we're all on as we explore ourselves. it all sounds kinda cliche, but it's gotten me here, writing.

melanie told me that she knew the first thing i'd do it go and write about the movie. she said she could see me itching to go write.

i haven't written in a while,
and what's there i'm not satisfied with.

how much of my life is spent thinking about how i'm going to document it, how i'll write about it when i can get back to my computer? i worry about this, fear that i'm not participating in the moment enough. that's why i stopped writting so much, but it's also why i started writting... so that i could learn to remember the important things, train myself to be there enough to bring it back with me if i wanted.

she and i talked about being afraid of the web. she had the urge to write about tonight, but she wants to have a plan before she starts the site. i tried to tell her that you have to jump and figure it out from there. when i think about it, i took a year or so before i decided on a format and really started building... but all before that i was trying things out, letting them sit, trashing them and starting over. i told greg, when he was telling me about his new page, that you're never satisfied with what you've put up. it's always incomplete, or out-dated, or not you. it's an attempt to put part of you out there. that's fuckin nuts... it's comfy in here. isn't it?

my site hasn't been giving me what i want. i hold back too much for the sake of what i feel is right... privacy of people in my life, respect for myself and the thoughts i hold dear. exposing them would perhaps teach me to hold on to them less, be more flexible, find some enlightenment freedom. i wonder about this alot. i'm also afraid, of what people will think of me. i'm not sure i want to be responsible for what i say. ain't that pretty pathetic. some things are meant to be hidden.. i wouldn't put everything out there. but i want to put more. you aren't going to hear about my sex life, well, maybe a bit, but something's telling me to trust more. jump and the net will appear. (i should be shot for that pun.)

maya and i talked about gathering together people who have online journals and asking them why they do it, what they think of the whole thing. it seems to me that no one really knows what they're doing... that is perhaps the why. it's an experiment, a risk, a drunken kiss. it can be amazing, and it can be miserable. it's more than an impulse, but it does come from your gut. when it tells you, you write.

i want to see the movie many more times... i'd been waiting for it, and now i've seen it, and i want to see it again. i want to find myself in it. i'm not justin. but i'm in there somewhere. i've thought about all this shit... and it's real. that's what gets me... it's all real, and i feel like i've been hiding out in college waiting for things to get real, and they're not. so i bullshit with myself for a while, tell myself that it's good enough, that i'm learning, and go on for a while. sometimes it is real, and i remember those moments, or i don't, depending. one of my highschool teachers once told me that i would do well at college... i was an eccentric kind of intelligence, not fooled by all the bullshit. i mourn the lose of that. or at least the fact that it's gone hitchhiking to california and left me here with my pulsating brain in my hands. i find myself saying that the summer will help... i'll have adventures that i can write about. it's true, it will be good. i love this shit. and i have no idea why.

i feel a site shift coming on...
it can't shange all at once,
the fire in my belly's gotta simmer.
then i can make the sauce.

04.08 | april | 04.22