september 25

right now the world is kind of flowing off of me, like rain on an oilskin hat or a crowd around a deaf person. it's actually been a very quite morning, which is what i needed.

a few days ago i was talking to a friend about maybe sleeping outside somewhere, without a roof and without an alarm clock, so that i could get more sleep. in natural sleep you lend to wake when you are near the surface, when you're dreaming, and so you remmeber dreams better.

i hadn't been remebering many dreams, and even tho that's not out of the ordinary, it deprives you of some little bit of yourself, your thoughts, something creative and refreshing.

this morning tho i had a rather disturbing dream. after i had it i thought i should write it down, here, and look at it, but then i thought that maybe i wouldn't want to remember it. it involved me losing my temper over a small thing and beating to death someone i have learned to love. the image that most enchants me is the closing scene, where i see myself (altho it's not my face) in the electric shair and a woman is looking at me, calling me a maniac. i can see thru her eyes, and there are two little demons swirling in my short hair. almost like they were carressing me. the picture of darkness.

i was amazed at how well i remembered the details of the dream, even while i was taking a really hot shower. i always try to comfort myself or come up with some simple idea at the end of my showers as i face into the pressure of the water and the heat. i told myself that it was a warning for me to control my temper, and that i should remember, i didn't do it in real life... it was just a dream.

that was enough to settle me, and i feel pretty much back to normal now. i caught the tail end of breakfast and diverted myself in the newspaper technology section, then went up and read some stories for grendel's workshop... other people's stories were strange or deep and sometimes very true, and i read mine and decided it wasn't too bad either. my creative juices are flowing a bit better these days, but there's still something i'm missing. some abstract view, some goal, some dream.

i like knowing that i am dreaming... i feel like i'm noticing more subtlties around me, smells are stronger, i'm not depressed or angry... but i could have lived without this one.

it's raining now... it started as i walked to campus. it seems my old powers of pathetic falacy are coming back...

09.19 | september | 09.29