sometimes in an email there is one line that will catch you and make it so that you can't escape without writting back because it's just so true. it was what tasha said about love/affection making you feel true. truth has been that thing i've spent most of my brainpower on lately... dealing with friends who i don't communicate well with, how i present myself to people, how i think i'm all desirable when really not everyone wants me (holy realization, i know... see how easily pride makes you sound like a fool? i'm horrible tho.. it's probably because every girl i see i wonder "does she like me and she's just not saying anything?" it's more hopeful than expectant) i wish more people meant what they said and said what they meant. as for finding truth thru physaffection i'm increasingly worried about whether it will ever happen again... the "i found love once, can i find it again?" i'm in college, after this is gets a lot harder, and at this place i will never be settled enough to truly love. so what can i do? give in to a false romance like i have had the opportunity to? push it all aside and just have fun? lots of fish in the sea? i'm no player. i don't expect to find answers to these things... it the catharsis of writing them, in hopes of maybe a bit of philosophy and a laugh or smile from someone who might knows exactly what i mean and what i miss.
i'm actually doing better than when i wrote that page up... i've found that being a social butterfly sucks and have decided to go back to some of my old ways of taking more time for myself, and also doing physical things like climbing, and standing in the rain. i'm shedding some of the camoflage, cuz it hurt.
the other night i talked to amanda (my ex) who's a frosh at college now, and she sat out in the hall, and we were both bummed, but we had a pretty good conversation. as we were about to hang up she told me that it was fun to have someone to be silly with, and it made me feel good. it's something that i know is true about me, and somebody else knows it too. maybe who i am and who i seem to be aren't too far apart.
09.17 | september | 09.25