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New Year's Day is approaching quickly. I am afraid. Not of the Year 2000. But rather of the Y2K freaks. I don't think the world is gonna go crazy, well, not any crazier than it already is. :) But I do think that people can and just might take an idea too far.
I think that there are some people out there who will cause a self-fulfilling prophecy: The world is going to end... so let's act as if the world is going to end. Since it's going to happen anyway it won't hurt anything. Well, THAT SUCKS! Don't be so self-centered! First of all the millenium does NOT begin on January 1, 2000. You're a year early. So all these things in your head are slightly off by a few days.
I really hope there is not looting and crime all associated with this BIG DAY. Maybe because I'm being selfish myself. I have a lot of things I still have to do. I have a future. I want to live it. Quite frankly, I don't want anyone to mess that up. That's my job...
So enough of being evil. That was my bad side. My defensive side. Now back to my fear. Because it is possible that people will go mad tomorrow I'm afraid that I will not live to see my family again. My Laura... What if I never see Laura again? And there are so many things that still remain unsaid. Of course it is my fault that I never took the chance to say them. When death is facing you, you begin to regret not being so truthful and open.
For example, I don't think that Jeff knows just how grateful I am for when he talked to me earlier this year. I was in so much pain. He cared about me. Even though I'm really not that good at showing people how much they mean to me. Despite all that he still cared. His kindness caused an insight to pop into my head: Whether I know 'what a friend is' or not, I still have them. People do care about me. It's even amazing to think that... ???
Another... I don't think I've expressed to Jillybean how much it meant to me, still means to me, that she was a driving force in the creation of the Queer/Straight Alliance at Swat. Jill, you went through things I didn't even know about because you were my roommate. I can't thank you enough for being SO supportive. You are a shining star of love! Nothing less. I'm so glad you were my roommate!
Then, what about my brother, Brian... I felt very angry at him many, many times. I did sweat the small stuff. Though there was big stuff too. And I certainly didn't let that pass.
I always wished that we were closer. I still do wish that. I just don't know how to go about that. Anyway, I wanted to say just how proud I am of my brother. He's been through a lot of crap that he couldn't avoid. And now he's working so hard. He delivers pizza to earn money, which he uses to pay for school at the Art Institute. I honestly didn't believe you would do that. I'm sorry for thinking low of you. I do respect you. And I don't want to be in competition any more.
Ah, Nichole Wilson, best friend from 11th grade. I wish we hadn't lost contact. I tried to push you where you didn't want to go. I'm sorry. I wanted the best for you, honestly. I just didn't realize that you knew what was best for you more than I knew it. You're one of the few people who doesn't respond melodramatically to my crap. That's pretty damn cool. I hope you're doing well. Maybe one day we will be friends again.
Quiana Hamilton for being so supportive in such a risky situation. I respect your strength. For those who don't know, when I came out in high school I told Quiana that I wanted to go to the GLSBA (Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Bisexual Alliance). I told her I didn't have the confidence to go alone. And she went with me!!! People even whispered rumors about her -some to her face!- but she went with me! Thank you.
I'm realizing now why it so important to say things WHEN you feel them. There is no way that I can catch up with the past and the present both. No way.
However, originally I wanted to write a message to Laura. I'm not quite sure what I want to say though. Maybe: "The best thing you've ever done for me/ Is to help me take my life less seriously./ It's only life after all."("Closer to Fine" - Indigo Girls) To the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world. I love you.
Nope, I didn't die. I haven't written for a while, but I'm still alive...
Anyway, actually, I've been having some what of a hard time. I haven't taken my medicine since I don't even remember when. Some time last year... so over a month... I take the ever-so-famous Prozac if you're curious. I guess in general it does me a world of good, so I don't know why I'm not taking it...
But anyway, all the things that come along with not taking it are feeling really hopeless again. Not being interested in people. Major irritability. PMS can not compare! I get snappy beyond a point at which I'm usually comfortable. Every task seems impossible. Even when I know it is possible. That's the most confusing part. I know that I can do things because I've done them before. But, I still feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Problems loom over me like low hanging clouds. It seems like nothing ever goes right. I seem to forget all the good things that happen, if they do occur.
Oh, and I've been feeling kind of down and out about my relationship with Laura. Things just don't seem alive anymore. Of course, seeing as how I don't much feel alive anymore, I don't know if I can expect any of my relationships to have any life. I'm so afraid to talk to Laura about it though cuz I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'm just not feeling all there though. Maybe after I take my medicine again...
I feel like I have so much to write, but it's just not coming out. I can't overcome the fear
that what I say will cause someone or some people to get hurt. Maybe after I've left City Year in
June I can say the things I want to say, but not now... nope, not yet. Sucks, doesn't it?
Of course, by then maybe I will have moved on...