Thursday, April 16, 1998


i just read an essay by a woman buddhist who pointed out the important distinction between having your body and being your body. i've been stuck in my mind this week, bound into producing academic pieces, not getting enough sleep or exercise.

but i keep having glimmers of euphoria. random splats of joy hit me, making me so thrilled to be alive, painting every sweet detail of daily life with ecstasy. sounds schmaltzy, but it's true. yesterday i walked out of the borders bookstore into the back parking lot; it was twilight, and the air was balmy, ruffling the trees to sound like spattering oil. i stopped in my tracks with my first breath, which was so rich and wet that i wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. i thought of how long afternoons can slide into evening into night, and

southern weeping willows
rain on pavement
wearing skirts without underwear
cajun music
sunburnt skin
bbq smoke
forgetting who is a stranger and who is an acquaintance

that last one happens all the time on campus. here at swat the faces all look familiar now. i keep seeing this one guy wherever i go -- at least four or five times a day. it's my own game. i get a thrill whenever i see his straight blond hair and heavy black boots. i like the way he walks, flowing forward with a smooth deliberate pace. i hear he doesn't like it here.

i love everyone around me these days. especially HER. she has soaked into my skin, leaving me light-headed. i love her distinct laugh, her articulate words, her tantalizing wisdom. sometimes i feel like she's reaching into my psyche and pulling out little modules of truth that have never bubbled up into my consciousness before. as soon as she sheds her light on them they make total sense. she holds a mirror up to my face (but somehow my reflection can be a range of different colors and shapes), so i walk away from every one of our interactions digesting a new vantage on reality. she makes me feel loved. i like watching her interact with other people and listening to her music mix and reading her papers and smelling her smell. "word!"

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