dreams: August 10, 1998
slipping back into the cycle? No.
It's winter break, or some other time in the future of this year. I'm talking to Mom on the phone, looking at a stack of mail as I do. I start to get feelings of wanting to drop all the separation and just go back to "normal" times. I have that old familiar feeling in the relapse cycle of just wanting to pretend like nothing is wrong. It would be much easier. "NO WAY!" I suddenly realize. I remember that I can never again slip back into the same relationship with her.
religion, fleshy bodies, and the love of my life
NEXT, I'm talking to Amber Fyfe-Johnson and another friend about a male I really like. Amber is lying down in front of me, and I'm sitting down cross-legged on the floor. I tell them all about him. Finally I say, "And he's living at Shana's house with her family." Amber is shocked. I thought she had known the whole time. Then I'm deciding what to wear, looking in a mirror. I'm in a big closet with fine white carpeting. I have several layers of clothing on. Long skirts, one black, two denim. My hair is long, pinned up in a puffy bun. I think about how enjoyable last year was, because I loved getting dressed up (not necessarily dressy, but just making myself look good). I remember the thrill of knowing I'd run into the guy I liked on my way to school; I picture myself walking down lots of streets down a big hill, knowing I'd cross paths with him. But now I don't really know if I'm going to run into him for sure. I still get the adrenaline rush of thinking about him, trying to look nice for him. Black sweater? Peachy pink shirt? I have to hurry or else I'll be late. I'm going to be on a TV show, on a panel with other experts. I'm suddenly sitting at a table with them. It's kind of like a talk show, but at the same time I feel like it's a game show. A woman asks me a question, and I feel pressure to get the right answer. My answer choices are listed on a paper in front of me. Each is some obscure academic term that I don't know the meanings of. I ask what some of them mean. The man on my left answers, explaining them. I give my final answer, just choosing randomly. Then it's the end of the show. The last question is deep and profound: Who is leading me? I first make a cross movement with my hand (left to right, head to heart); then I say it is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I add that it is also a trio of the Spirit, the Soul and the Holy Ghost. I spontaneously give a closing statement (it feels like I'm back in A.H.S. debate), which I know is important. It is passionate and flowing. I talk about how I hope all children are watching this on TV to get the true message. I say that TV is actually corroding our culture's minds. I go on to say something religious. The show cuts, and then I'm talking to the others who were at the table. I'm talking to the man who was on my left. We're now standing up, looking eye-to-eye. He's the one I love, I realize. His name is Michael. He has curly brown hair and beautiful brown eyes. He's tall and very good looking. I feel a real connection with him. As we talk, a young, plump, blonde girl in a tight pink outfit approaches us, simply standing silently near us. I look over at her, but then I realize that by doing so, I'm breaking my precious eye contact with Michael. He tells me that he used to be in O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous), and that three years ago he started making major changes in his life. He just moved here into the area recently. I'm touched, feeling like he can certainly relate to what I'm going through. I realize he must've been fat at one time before. I wonder if he told me this because he knows of my problem and wanted to establish a relatedness between each other -- so how'd he know? Is it because he knows me (just knows), or is it because I'm fat, so he assumed it? We have a close hug. Then we start walking out together, holding hands. He asks me how long I've been here. I tell him I've lived in Ashland my whole life. I tell him I used to be very antireligious, and that it isn't until recently that I've begun to "have my awakening." I say that I used to believe in kids having sex whenever they wanted -- liberation. Now I'm religious. I feel connected to Michael. Then I'm walking home by myself, along Main Street. I'm eating a bag of tasty potato chips. I look at my watch, surprised to see that it's still early, almost 11am. I realize I still have time to get to the OA meeting at noon. The bag of chips has ice cubes in it too. I turn down Fourth Street. I see the swim team outside the Unitarian Church, having a gathering. All are wearing swim gear (naked?). They're eating. All the bodies look plump. I wonder how/why they gained weight? I see Tim Bragg, yet he's rounder, fleshier. He's wearing Speedos, holding a baby.
- FIN -
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