Life is good these days.
I am finding this path to becoming a woman very interesting, to say the least. I think of myself as a young girl, but I can feel so many changes going on.
I have been spending my time on what's important to me. The fact that I am consciously choosing to do what I do is very important to me. I am letting go of a lot of baggage. Expectations. I am almost happy to be me. I think I have a lot of potential somewhere; though, where, for what, when, why and how I have no idea. If you can come up with something, try me.
I am a bit nervous about relationships(the Valentines day kind) in that it would distract me from my pursuits or let me fall into a false sense of comfort. If it were an ideal relationship it would do neither, but this is college. Besides, a phychic told me that I was incapable of falling in love with anyone who could love me in return, until I was in my late twenties.(I don't know how seriously I take him, but he's a family friend and a nice guy) My tendency for the asshole, I suppose. But he also said, "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" And that is sometimes my tendancy, to just not, because it may hurt in the end.
Actually, as a friend put it, I fall very hard for someone I barely know and then wake up somewhere down the road and realize the person is not at all who I thought they were. Then I end up hurting them.
Can we all tell that it is Valentines Day tomorrow and I had way too much coffee!!
I am trying so hard to deal on my own right now, figure out who I am, what makes me happy. I don't want to be rocked into security, only to find that I was validating myself through someone else. I wasted too much time in highschool being someone I was unhappy being, doing stupid things without thinking. I didn't occur to me that I could be someone else. I did a lot of great stuff, but didn't have the strength to carry it out to the point where it really meant something. Too much commitment, too much at risk. I feel like I am really thinking these days and making more conscious decisions. Still lots of questions though and undecided issues.
Well, this was silly.