The summer before my freshman year I weighted 95 lbs.
I had always been below the curve on my doctor's weight chart, but that year I made it into the "average" group. I was so embarrassed.
In middle school people used to always comment on how thin I was. Some people called me bones. Whenever I went to buy clothes, the assistants would always say what a great figure I had.
Everytime I put on a piece of clothing I think about how much I weighed when I bought it. I can remember.
In highschool we had all you can eat lunch. I didn't move my body anymore.
The next summer I had a doctor's appointment again. I didn't want to go. But I wanted to see where I was on that chart. I had moved even closer to average.
Over the summer we went to Honduras, I weighed 104 lbs.
Somehow my weight crept up to 110 then 115. The summer before my senior year I went to camp, and came back 125.
I hated myself. I had no control over myself.
I kept saying that if my weight went over x, then I would go on a drastic diet and not let it get past that point. But I kept adding five to x.
Every friday or saturday night, when I would come home from where ever, I curled up on the couch with the tv and a quart of ice cream. Or pasta, or chicken, or whatever I could find. Somewhere around four I would crawl to bed after crying all through the Ronda's UP All Night Movie.
I suppose it was late sophmore year that during one of my late nights I discovered the miracle diet pills. I asked my mother for a check for eighty old dollars, for me to make out. I promised to pay her back, I said it was very important.
Then I discovered the drugstore versions.
I hid the bottles in my underware drawer.
My body was in a constant cold sweat. My mind was shaking harder than my hands.
I was so happy at school I thought I was going to lose my mind. I smiled so much, laughed so much, my body hurt.
I stared into the mirror for so long I could not recognize myself.
I stood naked infront of my mother's mirror for long periods of time, grabbing at my ass.
If you watch me, you'll see. My hands go to my ass. They grab the big handles, checking to see if they are still there, if they have grown.
My ass is covered with scars. Where the skin has been ripped apart.
This time last year I weighed 104 lbs.
Now I weigh 130.
Got a package today in the mail.