Elaine's page of Desperate Personals
Seeking that special single with that certain je ne sais
quoi? Of course not! You're looking for lonely college girls and
guys who haven't had a date in months and will put out at the drop of
a hat! You've come to the right place. (Incidentally, this is a
joke, not a prostitution ring. Lighten up.)
Desperate College Girls!
SWF, 21, heavy smoker, heavy drinker, intellectual, buxom, short.
Looking for a co-dependent neurotic individual to develop smothering
and highly sexual relationship, with any gender, race, or age. Must
be willing to either put out or pay money, or both. Preferably on
east coast or willing to travel.
Totally spicy Petite Asian female, 21, 5'0", 93lbs, long sensuous
hair, classy, chic, with stubby limbs, competent in HTML, can get a
guy with the snap of her fingers. Seeks anyone who'll give her the
time of day. Please. Must be not too mean, and not too yucky.
Members of Hanson or BoyZone especially welcome.
23-year-old petite, cheerful, curly-headed runner seeks petite,
cheerful curly-headed runner.
Attractive 21-year-old. Slim, blonde, blue-eyed,
sweet-tempered,intelligent, friendly, affectionate, gentle, sensitive,
good-listener, emotionally stable. Taken.
Sparkly-eyed 20 y.o. SWF with great smile, positive
attitude, and knockout ankles. Energetic, athletic, ecstatic,
dramatic, eclectic, psychotic and Catholic - but in a totally fun way!
Enjoys grinning and being nice. Seeks a date for her friend Jordan.
SWF, 21 years old, sizzling redhead, with curves like yo mamma. Super
jock loves sexy dance moves, and Guinness guzzlin'. Willing to
experiment with lesbianism with the right petite Asian female. Seeks
a date for her friend Cathy.
SWF, 21, 5'8", bears a strong resemblance to Victoria "Posh" Spice.
Publicity coordinator for the Bad Ass Cheerleaders, the web's greatest
virtual cheerleading club. Needs a man or woman with lots of money and no
self-esteem to finance frequent solo trips to Europe without expecting
sexual favors in return.
Fun, attractive, blonde, 21 y.o. SWF, seeks man who's at least as
exciting as a game of nethack. Must be able to accept the fact that he will
always be intellectually inferior. If you wish they all could be California Girls,
you'll love Melissa! If you love Theory of Computation, she might kill you.
Single Eurasian female with dimples seeks stud-muffin who likes to
laugh, dance, and travel. Intensity without neurosis, intelligence without
nerdiness, skinnyness without scrawniness are a must. No Pinocchios,
Pricks, or Players please.
Desperate College Guys!
SWM, 20 yrs. old, 5' 5", 130 lbs. brown hair, brown eyes, all around
average short guy seeking Alicia Silverstone. Others need not apply.
Wait... on second thought, any offers are more than welcome. Serious
offers only. No, wait... actually non-serious offers are fine too...
Extremely eccentric SWM classics major, 20, seeks
female companionship. Must have intelligence, humor, and a profound
hatred of sport utility vehicles.
Beautiful 22-year-old Oriental slave boy with smooth hairless legs is willing
to sell his body to vicious domineering woman or women who will control every aspect of his life
and keep him on a short leash and studded collar. Must not interfere with Saturday night studying, or Sunday morning studying.
Brainy AND brawny, but not at all blocky! 21 y.o. super-studly male, so Italian he makes Renato look Greek!
Enjoys lifting cars and small houses in his spare time. Kind of hairy, but willing to
wax in return for lovin'. Welcomes inquiries from just about anything that moves.
21 y.o. SWM. Clown/poet/engineer seeks woman who won't ask too many questions
about his shady past.
SWM 20. Insolvent student by day, toreodore by night. Needs French pastries to stay
alive. Looking for someone nice to feed him French pastries. Cute
Asians who spend too much time in front of a computer especially
welcomed. Saturday night/Sunday morining studying not a problem.
SWM, likes physical activity, clog dancing professional.
Has a new "crack-n-smack" drug peddling/Adobe Photoshop venture.
SWM, 21, seeks S** with a lot of money. I know all about web pages,
love and rapture... let me teach you....
Blonde, blue-eyed, Californian 20 y.o. SWM. Has the body of a swimmer, and the
brain of a psychopath. Loves knives and Hawaiian shirts. Self proclaimed "Stunningly good-looking." Responds to the name
Anything catch your interest? Write to firstname.lastname@example.org. Maybe we can work out a deal.
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