Jeremy: "Yo, check this out! Peggy Bloom just laid down a grammar smack on the Daily Gazette!"
Jeremy: "This isn't phallic!"
David: "Of course it is. Do you know what a phallus looks like?"
David: "If you reduce us to our component parts, we'll just be sluts!"
Andrew: "Would you find it weird if Aviva was dating a 12-year-old?"
Andrew: "But she might have sex with you."
Jeremy: "That's what I'm worried about."
Andrew: "Yeah, we don't want that."
Jeremy: "Are you humping my couch?"
Joanie: "Fuck me!"
Andrew: "No thank you."
Joanie: "No, just my bed."
Andrew: "Again, no thank you."
Neil: "He's busy."
Person with wrong number: "Busy doing what?"
Neil: "Busy doing me, of course."
Jeremy: "I feel like the gods of love hate me. Am I wrong in assuming that?"
Kai: "No."
Jeremy: "She was wearing a really sexy small red dress and there were guys shouting at her as we walked to Paces and I was like, 'Yeah, I'm with her!'"
David: "Aviva, you might have to sleep in someone else's room tonight."
Aviva: "He has a single!"
Jeremy: "And this couch!"
Joanie: "If I had a cock Britney Spears could definitely suck it!"
Andrew: "I'm too kinky for politics?"
Aviva: "The scary people went away?" [turns around, sees Bing] "Oh, never mind."
Andrew: "What's my social function, to suck on things?"
Miranda: "So the spark is gone, but I still think you should go for a walk in the Crum without this gay guy making weird symbols."
Joanie: "Yo, I'd just like you to know that I have a female body at my disposal twenty-four hours a day!"
Jeremy: "Just cause she's walking in the leaves doesn't make her a lesbian!"
Jeremy: "Just because I'm stalking her doesn't mean that cheapens our relationship."
Andrew to Joanie: "Why are you playing with my monkey?"
Joanie (one minute later): "'Why are you sticking your monkey in Miranda's ear?' I think
is the legitimate question!"
Aviva: "My friend has a 'to do' list of people."
Jeremy: "I thought girls never wanted to get laid."
Andrew: "So are we sure she's not gay?"
Jeremy: "Yeah, but she might be a lesbian."
Joanie: "Orgies are romantic!"
Miranda (about Jeremy): "But would he take me to the orgy?!"
Joanie: "It's an orgy - he can take you both!"
David: "I hate talking!"
Jeremy: "Or course, then he'd have to have make-up sex with her corpse, right?"
Jeremy: "What's so funny? Ream me out, ream me out, ream me out! Can everyone on this hall hear me? Ream me out!!!"
Miranda: "Joanie, remind me to never marry you."
Jeremy: "I think I misled you guys. Sex isn't the gratuitous thing you do for pleasure, sex is to produce the baby."
Jeremy: "I know it's part of a plan to take over the world, but I surrender."
David: "Man, you didn't even try to write an operating system on your own. You're such a loser!"
Rory: "Sometimes we're so platonic it hurts!"
Joanie: "Jeremy, are you still figuring out how to go on a date?"
Jeremy: "Have you been having sex?"
Rory: "Well, that's really personal, so you'll have to check my webpage."
Jeremy: "Haven't you ever seen that show, 'Sex and The Captain'? It stars The Captain and that lady he has sex with!"
Jeremy: "Ah! I swallowed some of Aviva's hair! There are lots of little Avivas bouncing around inside me now!"
Lynn: "I screwed half my hall last year. I was the screwmaster!"
David: "I was fucktastically beautiful!"
Jeremy: "Haven't you ever seen that show, Sex and the Captain? It stars the Captain and that lady he has sex with!"
Jeremy: "Ah! I swallowed some of Aviva's hair! There are lots of little Avivas bouncing around inside me now!"
David: "Civil society is the stuff that fills the world's bra."
Joanie: "Did you know that I have a huge penis?"
David: "Apparently. Or so Jeremy tells me."
Joanie: "Would you like a macaroon?"
Andrew: "No thanks."
Joanie: "Fuck you! Eat a macaroon!"
Liz: "You've never seen that on tv?"
Andrew: "A vacuum cleaner giving head?"
Andrew: "Yes, I'm happy to grab Joanie's ass."
David: "You have proms over there?"
Doru: "Yeah, when we came down from the trees three months ago we thought we'd have proms!"
Jeremy to David: "Yo, if you're ever like a serial killer, the FBI is going to have a field day with your hard drive, dude."
Jeremy: "Aviva's sweet in an achievement-oriented sort of way. We're sweet in a cultural failure sort of way... that sort of thing."
Jeremy: "How about Nackenoff? I bet she has nudie pics up or something. 'I'm Nackenoff. How about you?'"
David: "Sorry for interrupting the conversation, but I'm a badass."
Andrew to Aviva: "I guess you've had a bad morning so I won't stuff you in a bag and carry you down the hall."
Tenaya: "Ooh, look! Jeremy's getting attention from girls!"
Miranda: "It's kinda upsetting that 13-year-olds are getting more play than me."
Sarah: "Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off! I'm trying to stay a virgin!"
Doru: "If I kill her I'll have to drop a nuke on Wharton to get a genocide..."
David: "What? Are you saying that in order to kill one person you have to commit genocide?!"
Doru: "Yeah, of course!"
Jeremy: "I think you would love Willets. It's like vegan central there. They all drink beer - and not meat!"
Jeremy: "What? You're saying that Bob Gross doesn't jerk off all the time? He's a masturbation machine - Al Bloom and the whole lot of them!"
Doru: "Do you know what 'six feet apart' means?"
Mike: "It means he's really fucking well endowed!"
Jeremy: "Ninety-five percent of me hasn't had sex yet!"
Rory: "Ah, I just want to scream and run until I get hit by a car."
absolut swarthmore
last updated