Professors, 1999-2000

Fall 1999

Prof. Shimamoto: "Say you have a bunch of fish... and you want to put them in a bowling ball. You have to ask yourself, is this practical?"

Prof. Shimamoto: "I think that's relevant now that we're a football powerhouse."

Prof. Shimamoto: "Think about that for a second. ... Think about it and pretend to write it or something."

Prof. Shimamoto: "In addition to classes, the Registrar is now arranging marriages to expedite the process of marrying Swatties together."

Prof. Shimamoto: "Well, there are two scenarios. One is that it's really easy, and two is that it's really hard."

Prof. Shimamoto: "Stephanie, when's your birthday?"
Stephanie: "November 21."
Prof. Shimamoto: "Tom, when's your birthday?"
Tom: "September 3."
Prof. Shimamoto: "Alright. I'm going to prove that one of you is lying."

Prof. Shimamoto: "The thing is, no matter which method you use, Swarthmore comes out as #1."

Prof. Shimamoto: "So now you're at k=16, which is a whole new world. You don't want to be there, believe me... I know."

Prof. Shimamoto: "The worst case scenario is that people will become competitive, start insulting each other's algorithms, there'll be fights, and the class will degenerate into chaos."

In a discussion about the combination lock on the faculty lounge in Kohlberg:
Prof. Shimamoto: "But of course, I'm not going to tell you what the combination is, because the stuff we do in there should not be seen by the public!"

Prof. Shimamoto: "What I use nowadays is my Barney coloring book - Barney walking in a forest, Barney feeding an elephant, and Barney in an airplane."

Prof. Shimamoto: "There are two main difficulties in coloring - one is staying within the lines. ... I have nothing to say about this."

Prof. Shimamoto: "Actually, I want to deviate a bit from that now and go back into fantasy land."

Prof. Shimamoto: "How about an alien-shaped pretzel? Can we compromise?"

Prof. Shimamoto: "Discrete math is enough to suck the life out of anybody!"

Prof. Shimamoto: "They're trying to use chemical principles here - none of that!"

Prof. Shimamoto: "To get you worked up with excitement on what we'll be doing next, on Wednesday we'll be doing... counting!"

Prof. Shimamoto: "But before this, I want to launch into a tirade."

While discussing how the quality of the paper being used was affecting the class:
Student: "That's why we haven't been getting good grades on our assignments."
Prof. Shimamoto: "What - the quality of the paper? Well, so that could explain the quality of the lecture you're about to hear, also."

Prof. Shimamoto: "Let's say you have a bag with hammers. And you reach into the bag and pull out a hammer and hit yourself in the head with it."

Prof. Shimamoto: "Suppose that at gunpoint you are forced to put b balls into u urns. How many ways are there of doing this?"

Prof. Shimamoto: "'How many dominoes in a complete set?' ... This sentence has no verb!"

Right before the final exam in First-Year Chinese:
Briar: "Whatever, Wu laoshi, bring it on!"
Wu laoshi: "What, you want to fight me? Would you like to take this outside?"

Spring 2000

At the beginning of the spring semester:
Wu laoshi: "The suffering begins - now!"

Shi laoshi: "But that's not a pig, it's an elephant! ... And if you believe that, you'll believe anything."

Professor White: "We're here, here's our platform, do you want to join us? And by the way, we've got guns."

Prof. Meeden: "So, I don't know if you've all heard, but we're working on a new science building. They'll have groundbreaking in the Summer of 2001 and will finish it long after you're gone."

Shi laoshi: "I was reading handouts for the Russian class yesterday and laughing at them... they had to translate things like 'I talked to a thousand Russians' and 'There are twenty chickens in my house,' but then I realized that they were just like the things we translate."

Prof. Chaudhry: "I have not prepared the binders yet... I just came back from wherever."

Prof. Chaudhry: "James Kurth. It's not a good article..."

Prof. Chaudhry: "My god, you guys are very simple!"

Prof. Chaudhry: "If all of you are agreeing, if that is the case - I would have eventually made you all agree."

Prof. Chaudhry: "If you get an opportunity, kill that Saddam Hussein!"

Abram: "Don't we have some sort of executive directive where we can't target individuals in other nations-"
Prof. Chaudhry: "Who cares?!"

Prof. Chaudhry: "If Bill Gates adopts 20 villages in Thailand, and gives them internet connections, it is good!"

Prof. Chaudhry: "If she's boring we'll just look at her slides and tell her to shut up."

Prof. Chaudhry: "I don't think you use 'awesome' in that sense unless you are a murderer and get pleasure out of killing someone."

Shi laoshi: "No, don't eat the syringes."

Prof. White: "I'm sorry, I was so busy being funny I've forgotten your question!"

Wu laoshi: "Na women jiu shang ke ba. [Let's begin class now.] Happy time is over!"

Prof. White: "The sun is coming out - how many days has it been? ... Sorry, I don't usually interrupt myself when I'm talking."

Shi laoshi: "If you want to raise a kid, you have to feed it, otherwise it won't grow."

Prof. Chaudhry: "I'm not too sure whether I'm a very friendly person."

Prof. Chaudhry: "It is very important because I wish I had that article that I got out."

Prof. Chaudhry: "Don't use these fancy words - 'capital investment', 'value-added labor'!"

Prof. Chaudhry: "What did you use? You used really good fancy terms!"

Prof. Chaudhry: "So I organize, go to Soviet Union, and do a revolution!"

Prof. Chaudhry: "Personally, I hate Huntington... I think he was drunk when he wrote the article."

absolut swarthmore
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