Prof. White: "They wanted to teach them whey their empire was weak, why it fell, and why you're a colony now."
Prof. White: "One is very sober and restrained before taking on the People's Republic of China."
Prof. Schwartz: "The first thing you have to learn about me is that I lie a lot. In fact, your chief mission will be to figure out which sentences I say are true and false."
Prof. Schwartz: "I could talk to you for four hours and you'd think it's only fifteen- well, that's really implausible."
Prof. Schwartz: "I think we'd probably be much better off if we legalized heroin and outlawed television."
Prof. Schwartz: "You weren't pissed off that you couldn't get a drink when you were six. That didn't start till you were twelve."
Alyssa: "In Baltimore there are more than 250 killings per year, so by that logic
the United States must always be at war."
Prof. Hopkins: "Right, well they're not talking about private killings."
Prof. Schwartz: "It's a simple explanation that aliens have changed the laws of electromagnetism, but it's really hard to test!"
Prof. Schwartz: "You may not know this, but there was a time before computers."
Prof. Schwartz: "And so the tick, with its proboscis, which is a fancy word for nose-like thing..."
Prof. Schwartz: "Rats will maintain a constant body weight, unless the food is extremely tasty. Rats, if you are interested, really like Chips Ahoy and anything with lots of fat."
Prof. Schwartz: "And by the way, it doesn't hurt. You're not torturing the animal, just making it so it can't eat anymore."
Prof. Karanika: "Another vase coming from Boeotia, central Greece, and remember that it's the most boring part of Greece..."
Prof. Schwartz (on skydiving): "And then you land, and it's a great feeling. It's better than sex. I mean, I don't know, I've never done it."
Prof. Schwartz: "Do you want a thermostat, a homeostat, telling you, 'You ate two squirrels, that's enough'?"
Prof. Schwartz: "A hawk comes into the neighborhood and the first thing a sparrow does is call 'Look out, look out, there's a hawk, get out of here!' That's what it says. It's Sparish."
Prof. Schwartz: "Self-deception is kind of analogous to poker- why do I keep talking about gambling?"
Prof. Schwartz: "Valentine's Day is just out of control, it's just an excuse to spend money, and Halloween has increasingly become the same thing, 'how can we all be pagan together'!"
Prof. Schwartz: "This is all reversable; after Pavlov was finished with them, the dogs went back to their normal happy lives in Russia at the turn of the twentieth century."
Prof. Schwartz: "You don't sit there, watching the rat yawning, wondering how on earth you'll get tenure if the rat doesn't press the lever."
Prof. Schwartz: "There is a positive correlation between height and income, which means
that I'm the second-lowest paid person at Swarthmore. The only person with a smaller
income than me is Al Bloom."
Student: "He's short?"
Prof. Schwartz: "You're damn right he's shorter than me!"
Prof. Schwartz: "I'm sorry, it's sexist, I know. ... It's also true."
Prof. Schwartz: "It's like racial profiling, except that it's different."
Prof. Schwartz: "Because I will be entertaining him I won't have my normal office hours tomorrow - not that any of you come to them."
Prof. Schwartz: "So these cells are connected, bipolar cells, blah blah cells, blah blah cells, there you go."
Prof. Schwartz: "Nonetheless, I know that the only thing you see and the only thing you hear is me, because you are completely riveted by my every word. Someone could walk naked across the room and you wouldn't notice!"
Prof. Schwartz: "I mean I don't drive and talk on a cell phone but I usually drive and read the newspaper."
Prof. Schwartz: "'I just got shocked, I just got shocked, I can't step off the platform.' Is that what happens? Maybe in Ratwegian..."
Prof. Schwartz: "There are drillions of salesmen! ... That's a real number. A drillion comes after a quadzillion."
Prof. Schwartz: "Serotonin at normal levels makes you normal. It's not like 'A tornado just blew my house away. Ha! Isn't that funny!' There are other non-prescription drugs that do that."
Prof. Schwartz (at the final exam): "It's good to see some of you here. I haven't seen some of you since the midterm."