Amara: "What?! I still came every time we wrestled!"
Anisha to Amara: "We share thoughts, not underwear!"
Rachel: "I have an inherently boring life. I don't have as much sex as everyone
else, I don't do as many drugs as everone else... everyone has orgies but me."
Thomas: "That'd make a good picture book."
Mike: "Oh, I'm a l33t haxor."
Rachel: "No, you're just a Mac user."
Mike: "There's nothing wrong with being from rich-ass Boston, reading the New Yorker, and majoring in philosophy, but it kind of disqualifies you from a rap career."
Allen: "I love this tea bagging shit - it's like you just slap your balls into someone's forehead!"
Bing: "Sixteen!? You drank in high school?!"
Ursula: "Yes Virginia, I drank in high school."
Alex: "No matter how hard I try I can't seem to put my shirt back on!"
Benitez: "They have a cereal named Life, why not a cereal named Death?"
Jillian: "It could be chocolate."
Jeff: "So, what, Cinnamon Life is like purgatory?"
Alex (on Mike's karate): "Wow, are those forms, or are you just acting really stupid?"
Peter: "If a person went public, would that be prostitution?"
Bing: "Did I just give my blood to a limey?"
Anisha: "Pick me up - I'm naked!"
Brodie: "Kat, you are a phallic symbol."
Anisha: "It was kind of ugly."
Amara: "Yeah, because penises are so cute and lovable anyway."
Thomas: "That's a water-soluble lubricant." (re: pig shit)
Jason: "Maybe there's a dead rat in there. That's... burning."
Anisha: "Sex is cliched... work is the new sex!"
Mike: "Oh, Butt Flurie, there you are; I told your roommate to kick you in the testicles."
Mike: "'Have you ever gone somewhere and thought that you wanted to have sex there?' Well, yes - Kohlberg."
Mike: "'Have you ever thought, "I hadn't thought about doing it here"?'" (glances at Bing's room) "Well, yeah."
Alex (referring to freshman year): "I was stupid. Were you stupid?"
Jason: "Oh, not as stupid as you, Alex."
Kat: "Bye, Sven. ... Such a gentle giant."
Kat: "No hour-long fuckfests for me tonight."
Allen (describing Helen of Troy): "Her face would launch a thousand sperm."
Anisha: "Fuck the turtle! I've already tried it!"
Alex (on Buffy): "I've never seen it; I only watched it because of the funny Slavic people!"
David L.: "I'm writing about fate, and it's kind of neat that this paper is fated to suck."
Franzi: "The military gives us uniforms, and uniforms gives us good gay porn, therefore the military is good."
Jason: "This calculator is too imprecise for these calculations!"
Alex: "That's cause your calculator can eat me!"
Raoul: "That which does not kill me is cruel and has no sense of mercy."
BC: "I'm too fertile to ever be rendered infertile."
Alex: "What does that mean?"
Jason: "Alright, good luck, awesome, and then all this stuff about Israel."
Mike: "Jewish Micks? That would be like my grandparents."
Benitez: "Do you know what thaumic particles are?"
Cynthia: "Phallic particles?"
Jillian: "It's the basic unit of libido."
Cynthia (on the fact that a Russian was in space in 1963): "Go Russians!"
David L.: "Well, we shot Kennedy that year. ... I like Kennedy. He's dreamy."
Rachel (to Bing): "Cook me a dinner!"
Kat (also to Bing): "You're not pregnant enough!"
Jillian: "Are physicists coherent to begin with?"
Anisha: "No, they decohere as time goes on."
Alex: "White Protestant couples are not tantric!"
Mike: "Fiercely independent college radio. Also known as fucking indie and unlistenable. Dude, no normal person would listen to WSRN!"
Mike: "Good night, cock. Good night, moon. Hello steel-toed boots. Hello, poon."
Raoul: "I need more foul play in my life."
Adrian: "No, I don't think you do."
David L.: "I never thought about venereal diseases as names. Like syphilis. Sy-Philis."
Jason: "You're on the wrong side of my pants - the outside!"
Bendi: "Is gonorrhea fatal?"
Bing: "I don't know. ... I'm still alive."
Jillian: "We've struck God!"
Raoul: "I think I would like to go to the streets and acquire mad street cred."
Thomas (on his running shorts): "They let you flow like the river." "I love myself more for wearing them." "They make the best underwear; it's like wearing water for underwear." "The slits are just extra credit."
Kate (about humans and other primates): "Generally I don't eat anything that's fuzzy."
Bing: "Which is why you have to shave the fur off first."
Mike: "You can't hit me with the bottle I just gave you, dude."
Matt: "Why not? Isn't that, like, an Irish pasttime?"
Bing: "I am so fucked."
Liv: "Well no, you're not, that's the problem."
Anisha: "I mean, who sings about sex?? You don't sing about sex. That's like singing about going to the bathroom! It's a bodily function."
Anisha: "Guys are sensitive people."
Amara, sarcastically: "Oh yeah, cause girls are all hard-nosed."
Anisha, after deep thought: "People are sensitive people."
Bendi: "Where are all the goddamn vaginas?!"
Alex: "Let me know if it makes him happy."
Kat: "If that won't, the sex will."
Alex: "Mike, are you cock-punching yourself?"
Mike: "I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb."
Ross: "That would sort of, uhh, fail to disambiguate the uh, thing."
Amara: "Disney's such a pervert!"
Mike: "We could pee on people's doors and be like, 'Your room is ours now.'"
Schak: "It's amazing how much they let engineers get away with."
Alex: "But they build everything!"
Schak: "Yeah, fuck that shit."
Bing: "Spermicidal foam!"
Mike (suddenly looks up and around): "Did I-...?"
Mike: "Real men like it fruity!"
Mike: "Don't dishonor Gwar like that!"
Everyone else: "Like what?"
Alex: "Mr. Juan Bulnes-Fowles is living here next year."
Bing: "This room will see a lot more play under him than it has under me."
Alex: "It needs to be one word, like Rimjob O'Keefe."
Ursula: "But I don't have a condom for my ruler!"
Anisha, singing: "I'm sick of needing dick!"
Anisha: "I sure hope this sexual thing doesn't last too long."
Mike: "I think I actually have the lighter in my desk just for listening to good songs."
Kat: "Jim, we're gonna have sex now!"
Jim: "Aww, sweet!"
Amara, about a playground: "Yeah, I definitely want to fuck that tunnel."
Mike: "You should practice that penetration."
Mike, to Alex: "You hae a Wilco DVD and I love you for it! I also love the Strokes... and Hitler."
Alex: "I love taking it up the ass, man!"
Ross: "You need a web server on your Palm Pilot?"
David L.: "He's Jewish! What can I say? We're not a good-looking people."
Bing, to Mike: "Yeah, go for my cock, see what happens!"
Bing (really late at night while writing a paper): "Whoo! I'm typing words!"
Mike: "That's what we need! Why can't Bush just fuck someone?"
Mike: "Yeah, it's the stopping kind of birth control. 'Are you on the patch?' 'No, I'm on the stick.'"
Mike: "It's what you'd get if you were to take me and make me completely sexually repressed."
Ursula: "I'm not sure we'd have much left, actually."
Branen: "If only every schoolchild knew that buttfuck equals arseshag, the world would be a better place."
David L.: "Seeing him up close is pretty cool, but did you see him up close while he had his thing out?"
Alex: "You know what my mischief of the day is?"
Kat: "Your dick?"
Bing: "That's a good way to meet people - sleeping around."
Mike: "I don't like boxers."
Ursula: "But you're, like, gay."
Alex: "Whoa! You've got a Gray Robe of Preservation!"
Mike: "Is that good?"
Alex: "That's pretty hot!"
Ursula: "Dude, if I were a Gray Robe of Preservation I'd be hot."
Mike: "Yeah, the public key will let you in, but you need the private key to actually decrypt my door."
Mike: "Slap you harder?"
Alex: "No... slap me softly!"
David J., very emphatically: "I don't want panties!"
Alex: "Do I act weird around people-" (Mike and Bing start laughing)
Mike (checks the internet): "Couldn't be found, oh well." (starts to hump Branen)
Branen: "Oh no, that's bad."
Bing: "There has to be more interesting stuff on the internet... let's look at weather."
Mike (about Daniel Sproul): "He looks German! Can you think of anyone who deserves to be German more than him?!"
Ursula: "Is there a Harry Potter spell equivalent to, like, 'Hold Person'?"
Schak, before the college officials were going to tour the dorm: "Does anyone have a bong, an AC unit, and a few hundred candles I can borrow tomorrow?"
Amara: "A chicken in every pot, a Volkswagon in every driveway, and a penguin with
martinis in every living room!"
Schak, shortly thereafter: "Given the choice between health care and penguins with martinis, I know which I'll choose every time!"
Rachel: "Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for a penis."
Rachel (with regard to her breasts): "Am I disturbing Alex? Sorry, I didn't mean to rock your world there."
Leah: "Will you hire me to blow your goats? Gainful employment."
Mike (about Alex): "What that basically means is he's a moderate Stalinist."
Alex: "So what if I like putting cameras in people's bedrooms."
David L.: "Gotta die of something. Might as well be Krispy Kremes and cigarettes."
Amara: "Hell, I care a lot about a lot of people I don't talk to!"
Bendi (reading vocab cards): "Cute. Small. Wide? Oh, low."
Jim: "Cute, small, low - all words that describe me! And really damn sexy."
Mike: "On my website I list my turn-offs as indie rock, liberal arts colleges, and
Kat: "Wow, how do you masturbate?"
Mike (to BC): "You're, like, a friend-seeking fuck missile."
Alex, on a paper about meta-meta linguistics: "It's capable of producing infinite doctoral theses!"
Mike: "Why do you think I have a 14 purity test score?"
Alex: "Because you haven't done stuff with animals?"
Mike: "Good answer."
Delia: "How do you know that?"
Matt: "How do I know anything, dear?"
Delia: "Noda tells you?"
Rachel: "I have to write a sophomore paper - I'm that far behind on my work!"
Mike: "Ross, do you like indie rock?"
Ross: "More than I like dependent rock."
Alex: "If you take the 'n' off the end of 'Mon' in 'Mon Mothma' and you put it on
the end of 'Mothma', you get 'Mo Mothman!' It's like, 'Mo Mothman! Mo Mothman!'"
Mike: (glares, then tries to knee Alex in the crotch)
Mike: "You look hygenic - can I pour rum on you?"
Mike (to Kate): "Yeah, I just spent all of yesterday PhotoShopping your face into gay porn and then uploading."