Audrey: "We make people unhappy with their own dorms. We invite people here to decrease their happiness quotient!"
Mike: "Don't cover your mouth - you won't be able to fit your foot in there!"
Ross: "You'd be surprised how big my mouth is..."
Mike: "That's the sort of thing that's useful to know now instead of when I'm vomiting up blood..."
Jim: "Why didn't they figure out that whenever they do something stupid like that, God kills people?"
Richard: "I don't have a pillow to sleep on, I don't have a toothbrush, I don't have
soap, I don't have toothpaste."
David: "Dude, I can give you a toothbrush or towel to sleep on!"
Julie: "Have you seen us naked?"
David: "No."
Julie: "Do you want to?"
Ross: "I come in all flavors of ass. I'm the fucking Baskin Robbins of ass."
Mike: "She gets naked and dances around the water fountain."
Mike: "Ten tons of cocaine were seized in the Atlantic. There goes our weekend."
David: "Getting some what?"
Rachel: "What does fucked mean?"
Matt: "I have no idea what the fuck I'm on."
Jim: "I was like, 'You're the best thing that's going to happen to my ass all year!'"
David: "It was about a guy talking about things."
Richard: "Was the guy's name Socrates?"
David: "Yeah, I think that was his name."
Peter: "Whoa, I didn't know I'd gotten a Better Nilla tasting box!"
Katie: "As opposed to the 'Nilla Tastes Like Ass' box!"
Liv: "Are you playing with my birth control pills?"
Richard: "Good night, David. See you in six hours and ten minutes. ... Five minutes. ... That's not much sleep, you know."
Melanie: "Free sex."
Tiffany: "Melanie's answer is always free sex."
Ross: "The nice thing about handcuffs is that you don't have to tie them."
Ross: "You're fucking with my philosophy... want some gin and tonic?"
Dea: "Yay! Now I get to take my clothes off!"
Ross: "We'll have none of that 'I don't want to grap people!' on my hall! It's un-American!"
Mike: "Um, this is getting too bondage-like..."
Mike: "Why am I standing at such odd angles?"
David: "It's better than fucking at such odd angles."
Mike: "No, no, that's not bad."
Matt: "Stop attacking him, you idiot! I'm sucking his blood!"
Ross: "I don't think other countries should be allowed to be un-American."
Matt: "That's why we go to war, dammit!"
Ben: "Ooh. Now you're gonna have your way with me."
Ross: "He's a fucking goodass."
Mike: "That was shortly before she tied me up, actually..."
Ross: "Sex is dirty... death is sanctioned by the Christian Coalition."
Rachel: "You think that your boy cooties are enough to balance out the girl cooties? I think not!"
Matt: "It feels really weird when they lick your neck."
Sam: "That's very special!"
Ross: "That's an excellent way to dismiss things!"
Matt: "Absofuckfucklutely."
Ross: "You gotta stutter right on the fuck."
Richard: "Honestly though, pot smoke is not that bad to smell!"
Mark: "I'm going to get some fucking ice cream! How about you?"
Nate: "...Well all right!"
Rabi: "I haven't been drunk since I was nine!"
Mike: "Hit me with that fucking double meaning!"
Aaron: "I don't like this position, I'd rather be on top."
Ross: "In the words of Nostradamus - 'Booya, motherfucker!'"
Liv: "I'm the hall drug dealer."
Rachel: "You need to procrastinate. It's the competition sport here at Swat."
Matt: "Just count three months ahead... January, February, May."
Stefan: "Ah ha! My chance to strike again!"
Meredith: "You have an accent!"
Richard: "Yes, I'm Italian."
Meredith: "And all this time I thought you were another bloody American!"
Dea: "Mike! Is your ass ok?!"
David: "Always use protection!"
Dea: "I don't suck goats."
Dea: "I get angry, like, one time a month."
Matt: "Now, my question is, how does someone like this get to sleep with me?"
Matt: "They all die horribly tragic lives."
Mark: "I don't need a man; I have an eggplant."
Matt: "It could be fun if done well."
Mike: "What, Dea or bondage?"
Jim: "That's what the whacking is for."
Dea: "Is it bad that I'm naming my unborn daughter after a sex slave?"
Richard: "I envision you... a nice roasted chicken..."
Jim: "Save it for the study break, guys."
Aaron: "Yeah guys, use your brains!"
Jim: "Don't use them too much. I need them for later."
David: "Hm. I probably shouldn't do that while you're at the computer."
Adrian: "No, you shouldn't do that ever!"
David: "This is a fuck-free room... in more ways than one."
Jim: "I'm bleeding. No, I'm not bleeding. What's that funny feeling in my foot? Oh, it's my skin coming off."
Mike: "I just cannot do things that go down."
Aaron: "It's not contagious, right?"
Dea: "Sex?"
Mike: "If God is against Bing, then where the hell am I?"
Jim: "I think you just said it."
Liv: "I'm more bitch than you!"
David: "Dude, I would be an awesome porn star!"
Ross: "Oooh, I've got a short staff. That sounded really bad."
Mike: "How suspicious would it look having a pile of dead horses and a bunch of condoms?"
Mike: "She's fucking cold bodies and turning them into hot bodies."
Ben: "This totally sucks goat."
Mike: "You can't just suck goat."
Ben: "Why the hell not?"
Mike: "Battle Axe of Gore!"
Ross: "Battle axe of Bush!"
Mike: "I may not know karate or wrestling, but I do know how to be a dickhead."
Liv: "We encourage lazy bastardness!"
Adrian: "Holy fucking-!"
Mike: "That's the best kind!"
Jen: "Hey! Where's that weird light coming from?"
Lan: "Uh... the sun?"
Mike: "I love her in a homosexual sort of way."
Dea: "We're going to have sex."
David: "Does this involve me?"
David: "Mike. Dea. Where?"
Mike: "Yeah, sometime soon."
Mike to Jennifer: "Where did you come from?"
Adrian: "Hell. The Seventh Circle, to be precise."
Mike: "There's like a doorknob going up my ass."
Ross: "Mel Brooks: now there's a man that I'd fuck."
Mike: "Wouldn't you like to sell naked pictures of yourself on eBay?"
Ross: "No teeth, bitch!"
Ross to Matt: "Laundry bags are mad cool. Like, you know how my laundry isn't all over the floor?"
Mike: "Oh no, it came out the other end!"
Ross: "Is Diablo physics?"
Adrian: "It's pretty close."
Dea: "You can't pull it off! You have to bite it! Bite it!"
Dea: "I like having her in that position."
Franzi: "What kind of thing?"
Rachel: "Oh, our wild hot passionate sex."
Mike: "Why am I everybody's bitch?"
Adrian: "Well David, congratulations! You just stood your ground in a very Democratic part of the nation, and you did a damn good job of it! But now we have to kill you! Saya-fucking-nora!"
Jennifer: "I am the Anti-Christ!"
Ross: "Oh yeah, how do you sleep?"
Dea: "Do you want me to put this down my shirt, too?"
Dea: "Mike, please don't offer my sexual favors."
Mike: "Ok. Then offer your cake. To me."
Mike: "Obviously, considering how I can see through walls, you fucking asshole!"
David: "Thine purveyor of fine pooches."
Dea: "And I got to lick the tip!"
David to Mike: "OK, bitch, you can wait your turn."
Dea: "What's stranger: you or my thighs?"
Adrian about his computer: "Of course it's on, it's always on! It owns my soul!"
Jim: "Are you Christian, Lan?" [she nods] "I'm sorry..."
Rachel: "He's like, 'Do you have a boyfriend?' And I'm like, 'Well, aside from the wild orgies on Friday night...'"
Mike: "Fucking power strips! -- is a bad idea..."
Matt: "Alejandro, I thank you for being solid and not giving it to her."
Mike: "I'm just being an ass. I do that a lot."
Mike: "I drunk fucking with like people."
Matt: "What does this defined variable bang?"
Ross: "This is like an opium den, just with homework."
Mike: "It's like Dea being oblivious or-"
Dea: "What comes after the letter S?"
Mike: "Oh it is alive, just not very. It's actually kind of cute in a why-are-you-still-moving sort of way."
Mike: "Ooh, I can be an escort service now!"
Tiffany: "Oh, my foot and your ass have a date!"
David: "Woohoo! It's amazing! Woo- Oh, crap! I'm gonna die!"
Ross: "No, Mike, he's not Mike to your Dea."
Mike: "Well, if you need anything stretched, just let me know."
Mike: "I couldn't get it up."
Mike to Rachel: "You're not the brightest chicken in the potato."
Mike to Rachel shortly after: "Actually, you're a very bright chicken potato."
Matt: "Liv wouldn't be affected by the rolling blackouts. She'd just glare at the computer and it'd flicker back on!"
Ross: "Dea?"
Dea: "Yeah?"
Ross: "If, hypothetically, you and Laura were stuck in a Donner Party situation, who
would eat who?"
Tiffany: "And guess what, kids - the RA selection committee already met and I don't have to be nice to you anymore!"
Jim: "I can't do it with my left hand, I'm not coordinated enough."
Mike: "Kill them all and let God sort them out."
Rachel: "Typical Catholic!"
Rachel: "Matt, we'll just have to get a blunt object and start whacking harder."
Willa: "Have I extended my middle finger to you lately?"
Ross: "Would you be extending it in friendship?"
David: "That's why people pay sex- no, money! to have sex with me!"
David: "'Something you heard will be unexpectedly useful' - in bed."
Richard: "I haven't heard a vibrator yet."
Jim: "By that logic I've had sex with bees three times!"
David: "Dude, my ass goes faster than the tray!"
Jim: "Please don't penetrate my room."
Ross: "It ain't easy being holy."
Willa: "And it ain't holy being easy."
David: "And this way we can get a four-way going."
Dea: "You guys wanna make babies sometime?"
Jim: "I will not hold my goat against you."
Dea (covering ears): "So I covered my ears, Mike. Tell Franzi, because I can't
hear you."
Mike: "What?"
Dea: "I said I can't hear you like this- oh! crap!"
Mike: "I hear people moving."
David: "People going down."
Tiffany: "I've got seniority - and God on my side!"
Rachel: "I have bong-y things. I bong with them."
Jim: "We should eat a hole."
Mike: "David can't spell 'woman'!"
David: "It's a foreign concept!"
Matt: "That doesn't work very either."
Mike (on his immanent return to Hell): "Welcome back, my child."
Mike (looking at the inside of Pepsi cap): "Wow! I won the College of the Holy Cross!"
Dea: "Stop playing with my shit! And no chewing on any of it!"
Rachel: "What's so cool about washing your hair with goat's blood, anyway?"
Jim: "We could send you to France and little French boys could open you."
Mike: "Some girls have pigs, some boys have daggers."
Ross: "Everyone's equal in the dark."
Mike: "I sober fucking with like people."
David: (long pause) "...what? Shut up!"
David: "Oh my gosh, my thighs are not meant to do that."
Richard (eating food at Daniel's party): "What is this?"
Daniel: "I don't know. It's disgusting."
Mike: "I certainly wouldn't mind having a woman's body."
Dea: "I'm not trying to have sex with you."
Mike: "Why not?"
Allan: "You'll live to propagate your genes, David. That scares me."
David: "I lack rhinocerous... dude."
David: "How are you screwing Matt?"
Ross: "...what?"
David: "How are you screwing Matt?"
Ross: "...oh, oh, oh! You mean for Screw Your Roommate!"
Matt: "That's the beauty of the natural world, if you don't want to do anything
for it you can ignore it."
Ross: "That's what my parents found out about me..."
Dea: "I didn't get caught in a porno without my umbrella!"
Mike (hitting self on head): "OW! Fuck."
Mike: "Mountain Dew! Straight from the weasel's wang to your mouth!"
Ross: "Fuck you, bitch!"
Jim: "Didn't Nostradamus say that?"
Mike: "I want to see Matt's penis, too. We talked about it earlier. It sounds interesting."
Ross: "In the words of Nostradamus-"
Mike: "Stop fucking quoting me!"
Mike: "You may not get your wang mouthified in my room, Ross."
Ross: "...Hallway?"
Mike: "Start singing, you know, 'Fuckety-fuck-fuck, skeedle-ee-doo, fuckety-fuck-fuck, shit-shit-ass."
Mike: "Doesn't look like you're getting in, Matt..."
Matt: "That's what my last girlfriend said!"
Adrian: "His manly rod did the dirty work."
Tiffany: "Oh, the hazing of the new guy will be tomorrow night."
Mike: "Who do you think is the perfect man?"
Rachel: "Me!"
Mike: "What does fuck mean in current slang?"
Melanie: "We're doing Lemur Morality Theater - how can you hate me?"
Mike: "They hold hands like rabbits."
Ben: "I finally went and bought alcohol and it... doesn't work."
Ross: "You suck. I mean that in an endearing way, of course, but you do suck."
Mike: "However, if your breasts are producing Pepsi, you have other problems."
Matt: "How do you spell 'reindeer flotilla'?"
Rachel: "Where there's smoke, there's tea."
Sarah: "Don't worry Rachel, when I look at you the first thing I think about is sex."
Willa: "Yes, it's just a gigantic phallic symbol and pretty young women in
white dance around it."
Mike: "Prance around the schlong! Prance around the schlong!"
Rachel: "Ah, three more days till I get fixed."
Ross: "You've wounded my inner child. Go to Hell."
Mike to Jim: "Do you hang out at gay dance clubs a lot?" Mike to Willa: "I can't give myself head, can you?"
Katie: "No more play, give, give, give!"
Rachel: "My C34's are feeling perky today!"
Ross: "Strike while the iron's drunk!"
Melanie: "Oh, look - it's in the box of things you don't have!"
Willa: "Eternity leave?"
Ross: "It's the Holy Grail of academics."
Mike: "Is she female or male?"
Ben: "Male. Sorry, female."
Liv: "Information?"
Rachel: "Swedish fish."
Rachel: "This is what happens when I get angry!"
Jim: "You break your umbrella?"
Ross: "I'm going to sleep."
Adrian: "Shame!"
Mike: "You notice how you don't accelerate downwards when you turn the lights on?"
Peter (pointing to vodka bottle): "Lampshade doesn't start until right there."
David: "Oh my God, I am so gorgeous!"
Dea: "You can't talk about muscular definition and then not take your shirt off."
Ross: "I've never heard Matt call himself not-an-asshole, or ever defend himself against charges of assholitude."
David: "Who's the bitch in this?"
Mike: "Who's wearing the handcuffs?"
Ross: "They're stunt drunks."
Rachel: "This is the face of a deranged cat. A happy deranged cat."
Franzi: "Is that anything like leaving someone for dead?"
Mike: "No, sorry, as much as you may want to leave us for dead."
Franzi: "I wouldn't leave you."
David: "Where's Matt? Because I can't keep my hands off him."
Jim: "I know techniques that hurt a lot more if you come from behind. Believe me."
Ross to Rachel: "My inner child is beating the shit out of your inner child."
Richard: "This bed's seen things it's never seen before... ie, nothing."
David: "You might want to turn that one a little bit so it doesn't blow your monkey down."
David: "Wait... why am I equivalent to a pineapple?"
Katie: "Apparently, you both fit in my pants."
Katie: "Does it count as being naked if you're wearing handcuffs?"
Rachel: "Part of me says maybe. Part of me says I'm fucking insane."
Richard: "You know, yesterday for the first time I think I realized the power of alcohol."
Rachel: "So Liv. Let's say, hypothetically, you're a water pitcher..."
Rachel: "Where's Liv?"
Tiffany: "She's doing my laundry."
Rachel: "You're a sick fuck."
Ross: "Remember, Tiffany, there's two types of people in this world: those who love you, and those who will burn in Hell."
David: "It would look really impressive if I were wearing pants!"
Liv: "Ooo, let's all get drunk! What a good idea!"
Peter: "Hey, that is a good plan!"
Allen: "You really need to read a Times obituary; they're really well written. I mean, they can bring a person to life!"
absolut swarthmore
last updated