Rob: "There are lots of interesting characters on the circuit who you'll come to know and... well, maybe not love, but definitely know."
Mark: "Jeremy's just the team mascot."
Chris: "Maybe you said that and I'm stupid."
Rob: "That's very possible."
Liz: "You can rise above your in-house performance."
Andrew: "And someday you might, Liz."
Sarah: "That being said, 'Don't you think?' is always a question. 'Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm right, don't you think?'"
Rob: "Point 2: Beethoven, blah, blah, blah, all the subpoints. Point 3: Chris sucks."
Sarah: "Unless your nickname is 'The Stallion,' you probably shouldn't take your clothes off."
Bing: (on housing debaters) "It's like hosting specs, except you don't have to be nice to them and you don't have to convince them to come to Swarthmore, because, hell, they've already been rejected."
Rob: "Any questions besides why I told you it was a good case and then dropped you on it?"
Rob: "Let the minutes reflect that Janoff is a pussy."
Arthur: "Yes, there are many ways to get pregnant besides the obvious."
Luke: "If there are any females who are in the mood for casual sex, I'd appreciate it if you'd wear some kind of sticker. Or bracelet."
Luke: "Right now I'm groping for something to say."
Rob: "Grope harder."
Sarah: "There's nothing quite like realizing that it's 9:30 a.m. and you're walking out of Liquor Mart with $500 worth of alcohol in your cart."
Bing: "As Confucius would say, house people for debate, motherfuckers!"
Matt (suggesting cars to use as team names): "Wienermobile."
Rob: "Not all of us have wieners here. Let's be sensitive."
Emily: "Adding the suffix 'mobile' to any word makes you a comic genius."
Sarah: "Let the minutes reflect that Janoff is a little pussy."
Rob: "Speaking of which, give a shout-out to John Dolan."
Emily (on the Constitution): "Their main points were life, liberty, and
the pursuit of happiness."
Lisa: "And we pointed out that these were in the Declaration of
Independence, not the Constitution."
Emily: "The guy was Canadian."
Sonya (quoting a Temple debater talking about Emily): "And that girl kept staring at my crotch, trying to intimidate me."
Susan: "This was my first tournament and the whole time, Sarah's
going, 'Tournaments vary, Susan.'"
Sarah: "And they do! There were a lot fewer naked masturbating guys in
housing during the rest of the year."
Rob: "If it were not for the Family Guy, I would still be a virgin."
Rob: "Let the minutes reflect that Swatties are Michael Dukakis-loving dorks."
Luke: "We have the dork quad. We are all dorks in our quad."
Sarah: "You realize you also have the dork college?"
Mark: "Let the minutes reflect that, uh, everyone who's not here is a little pussy."
From one of Bing & Ian's ballots: "Government speakers were more showed a slightly better grasped of the debate."
Bing: "I swore I was telekinetic for half an hour."
Ian: "Bing had the best analysis that round."
Sarah (discussing the new van): "We're also going to have rocket launchers. We can't overemphasize the rocket launchers enough."
From one of Luke's ballots: "Instead of really speaking about the issue, you turned your whole speech into an offensive, simplistic argument that was intellectually devoid."
Bing (to Chris): "Was that a worthwhile comment?"
Chris: "No. But it did serve to create a break in which I could be shamed and
we could move on."
Mark: "That's the best thing about me, the way I say, 'Fuck!'"
Rob: "Yeah."
Mark: "I can just picture some little old lady saying to my mom, 'I love the
way your son says, "Fuck!"'"
Rob: "I don't really understand the analysis that Sarah gives under this point, but neither does the other team, so just flow it through."
Mark: "No one knows that."
Rob: "Captain Philosophy over here..."
Rob: "I'm presenting on feminism this week."
Sarah: "You're presenting on - fuck!"
Mark (on a professor): "He talks about ejaculation every fucking time."
Sarah: "What class are you taking?"
Mark: "Learning in Action."
Mark: "I have a novice who can L.O. or P.M. Has cases."
Rob: "Loves long walks on the beach."
Blake: "I wouldn't mind having a stalker as a partner."
Bing (after throwing candy at Mark): "Did I get him?"
Rob: "No. You missed him miserably both times."
Mark: "You hit my crotch."
Rob: "Your aim was better, then. Janoff's crotch is a small target."
Mark: "Finally! Some acknowledgment that I have a penis!"
Rob: "Wait, there was a naked masturbating guy?"
Sarah: "Yes! How many times have I told this story?"
Rob: "I don't really pay attention when you talk."
Ian: "So, Rob, you going trick or treating tonight?"
Rob: "Sure. I'm going as bitter."
Sarah (on a Taco Bell worker's greeting): "Not 'Hello, welcome to Taco Bell,' just, 'Ladies, let me warn you about the bathroom.'"
Sarah: "I made the point that goatherds are easy and you can sleep with lots of them."
Sonya: "No, I think you made the point, 'Rob is easy.'"
Mark (on people going to Penn who didn't to a meeting): "Put it in that all those
people are one collective little pussy."
Sarah: "Unlike Janoff, who's his own pussy."
Lisa: "Didn't he draw a distinction between fat and baby-killing fat?"
Geoff (explaining a judge's decision): "She must have blown him in the fifteen minutes while we were preparing."
Geoff: "I was in the library and saw Rob, and I expected him to say, "Hi," or
something, but instead he comes over and says, 'If you don't read that, you're
going to fail.'"
Sonya: "Wait, Rob was in the library?"
Rob: "And he was like, 'Locke, Locke!' and Sarah was like, 'Down, Down!'"
Emily: "He used to hang around playing the xylophone all day and holding up
Apocalypse signs."
Bing: "I know what I'm doing next year."
Rob: "That's good, if you're into weird visions of power that doesn't exist."
Sarah (on the role of the treasurer): "When the President and Vice-President come to you with ideas about how they want to completely squander the endowment, you say no for a little while and then say yes."
Bing: "I will be 'graduating,' by which I mean living in the Crum in a cardboard box."
Rob: "Are they cute hamsters or are they shaven devil hamsters?"
Rob: "For vice president we're going to have Chris and - what the hell is her name? Mark."
Rob: "And then Sarah and I go out and pretend to count the ballots, but really pick whoever we want to win."
Mark: "So right now I'm treasurer, and it you don't vote for me, I can embezzle the whole endowment."
Chris: "Look at Sarah and her predecessor Allan: fine legacies of van embezzlement."
Jeremy: "Jesus would not have driven an SUV. What would Jesus drive, Chris, and what would you drive?"
Mark: "I really don't understand why I'm made fun of, but I definitely do understand why Chris is made fun of."
Rob: "Peaslee rock climbing would be a disaster."
Sarah: "We'd drop each other from 30 feet."
Bing: "That would be fucking great!"
Mark (suggesting possible team activities): "Drunken igloo building."
Rob (as Jawaad gets on the Bongo Board): "If you fall on Jeremy, you
automatically lose."
Sarah: "Win! If you fall on Jeremy, you automatically win!"
Jeremy: "I know I'm going to hell for asking this, but in your respective cultures, what body part do they cut off if you're caught stealing?"
Jawaad: "If we only had ten dollars, I guess we could pimp Chris or something."
Andrew: "And then we'd have eleven dollars."
Geoff: "I'd organize the fundraising personally and, failing that, I'd sell my sperm to raise money."
Sonya: "Where's Sarah?"
Rob: "She's in the bathroom flushing ballots."
Emily: "I write marginally amusing minutes. They're good enough and better than anything you'll get from any of the other candidates."
Emily: "The last virtue I can come up with is raw sex appeal."
Emily: "Don't vote for me. Vote for this apple. And I will happily perform the duties of secretary while this apple sits there rotting."
Evan from Columbia: "I can't believe we just had a conversation about teeny boppers."
Sarah: "It's not as bad if you're talking about which one you want to fuck."
Matt from Columbia (on searching for BP and McDonald's): "Where's the big multinational corporate symbol we all know and love? Oh, there it is!"
Rob: "I'm not gonna show you my legs."
Sarah: "Those not interested in Rob's legs could see Sonya's chest or crotch region."
Bing: "There are two wing judges. It's like having wingmen, only they're judging debate rounds."
Ryan: "I exchanged phone numbers with a girl in one of my classes and she proceeded to quit the class."
Rob: "Sometimes you have to run from the stallion."
Jeremy: "You need to stick the rod of social justice up Caesar's ass, which gives you great pleasure, as well as him."
Emily: "I had to try to take them seriously when they said things like, 'Building a better Canada.'"
Sonya: "Duke didn't give us our cum sheets."
Sonya: "Last year I had F&M. [Gilbert's] freshman year, he had Catholic. This year, neither of them have tournaments. I think we've condemned Duke."
Sonya: "Here's a picture of my little brother. Not the big white kid, the other one."
Bing: "What's going on in this picture?. Oh! I was drunk!"
Sonya: "There will be more education, re-education."
Sarah: "Re-education?"
Janoff: "This is feeling more and more like a fascist regime."
Rob: "Can we please, please, before I graduate, videotape a round so I can show it to my grandkids?"
Janoff: "Don't get shot on the way back from rounds, guys."
Rob: "I have a question."
Sonya: "What?"
Rob: "What the hell is that thing?"
Janoff: "Chris looks like a 1970's porn star with that haircut."
Bing: "It's not paranoia if it's justified."
Janoff: "I want transparency. Transparency is the most important quality."
Sonya: "Well, we could have discussion and then consensus, or we could just
have a blind vote. Which, of course, begs the question of which of those
two mechanisms we could use."
Liz: "Oh no, now we're SPAC!"
Bing: "Here's to not sucking!"
Ian S. to Chris: "Shut up, you fucking Quaker."
Sarah: "I want to know what happens when Blake and Rob get trashed together."
Sonya: "Contrary to popular belief, my last name is not Ho."
Sarah: "It was amazing how non-girly the fight between Gilbert and Neil was."
Janoff: "Why am I promiscuous? I am the least promiscuous person on the team."
Sonya: "Though as I recall, Allan had some alcohol too and was passing it around."
Janoff: "I don't know, Sonya, that sounds a little far fetched."
Geoff: "I say we just boycott that APDA the musical crap."
Janoff: "Why don't you want to go to Princeton?"
Rob: "I'm gonna go to jail."
Sarah: "Jail or church."
Geoff: "You really don't want me baking cookies."
Rob: "You're an engineer, you can figure it out. What, you can build a
bridge but you can't bake cookies?"
Adam from Yale: "'Everyon's gonna die.' That's true, everyone is gonna die."
Rob: "Here, here!"
Dave (to Blake): "It's an interesting stick you got there, man."
Rob: "Blake, that's a nice stick."
Ian M., about Princeton: "You might get back hung over."
Sonya: "Only if you drink all night, then proceed to walk home, puke, and
smash your mother's window."
Sonya, to Blake, on being Assistant Tournament Director: "It's a lot of
work. And it's a HUGE time commitment. You have to be totally committed all
weekend. And by all weekend, I mean, like, two weeks. It's sooo much work."
Luke: "Basically, she holds your balls in escrow."
Luke: "Eyy. Lisa just convinced me that-"
Rob: "That was just a Fonzie!"
Luke: "What?"
Rob: "You just said 'Eyy.'"
Luke: "Fuck you."
Janoff: "Kensington is so scary. It's worse than Chester."
Rob: "Janoff, how many gates do you have to drive through to get to your
house?"
Sonya: "Bing, here's a topic: term limits."
Rob: "Oh, these are boring."
Janoff: "It's Sonya!"
Bing: "But the final reason that term limits are bad is that they're keeping me out of power!"
Bing: "There will be plenty of stability under my reign, because all the people will be starving!"
Rob: "Because social relativism is for pussies, corporal punishment in high schools is good."
Rob: "Now, if you tattle on somebody, they're gonna get their ass beat! This empowers the tattle tale!"
Janoff, on Strong Bad: "It just isn't that funny!"
Geoff: "I feel sorry for you, man."
Jawaad: "Little Pussy strikes again."
Luke: "How long did it take after Mark Janoff's mouth opened for someone to
say those words?"
Janoff: "Sadly, the involuntary ménage-a-trois is also Chris Segal's
fantasy."
Chris: "If I had a response, that wouldn't merit one."
Janoff: "Ouch."
Blake, on Dukakis' health care plan: "What if you're self-employed?"
Luke: "Then you're screwed, Blake! You're screwed! And people named Blake
get shot immediately! On sight!"
Blake: "In Hawaii?"
Luke: "Yes. Never go there."
Sonya: "Okay, so the resolution is, 'This house would protect people from
themselves.'"
Luke: "How about, 'APDA rules should cap the number of tournaments a
debater can attend per year?'"
[Sonya flips off Luke.]
Sonya: "This house would make the US more like Singapore."
Luke: "Import hot Asian women!"
Luke: "It's Altria - wait, I can't remember if that's a tiny rodent or the new name for Philip Morris."
Blake: "Nalgene makes these weird things that they stick in mice's heads to
torture them. It's incredibly painful for the mice."
Sonya: "So, Princeton..."
Janoff: "Can I request 'Emily equals something terrible' for the minutes tonight?"
Sonya: "Dude, Ian, you have cleavage!"
Jawaad (about the quality of an upcoming tournament): "How bad?"
Janoff: "Like you might be able to win the tournament."
Ian (on being pressured to do something funny): "Like, 'I'll cut you with my glass nipples?' What do you want?!"
Blake: "Lodge six is where you live?"
Aviva: "Yeah."
Blake: "It's right next to-"
Janoff: "Lodge five, yeah."
Sonya: "Blake, I highly suggest that you never talk to Gilbert again."
Blake: "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
Sonya: "Email me if you want to email me."
Geoff: "I was really drunk and someone told me to start humping the air. And I did. And there was a live video feed and I don't know how that happened."
Janoff: "All right, we're gonna get started... ok? Everyone... ok, guys... we're gonna get started..."
Luke, on liquor: "This is the one thing you can't be stingy about."
Geoff: "Have I been stingy about anything?"
Luke: "No, but you should have been. But don't be stingy with liquor."
Blake: "I know about Strong Bad, I just don't think he's funny."
Rob: "Well, Strong Bad doesn't like you, either."
Blake: "Sure, he likes me. I happen to think he likes a lot of..."
Rob: "You should email him. Dear Strong Bad, Do you think kids
should use calculators in elementary school? LOLOLOLOL! Love,
Blake."
Rob: "If donkeytronic explosions create wormholes that link the 19th and 20th centuries, doesn't this solve for the bathtub shortage that you talked about earlier?"
Janoff: "Hey, Phil - I mean Rob! Wow, I just called you Phil!"
Rob: "Well, we are both white."
Sonya: "With Gilbert actually competing on Friday, we're going to limit his
bitching to Thursday and before."
Gilbert: "Wait, don't I have any say in this? Listen, woman, I'm not
taking any more of this."
Ian S. "One Mississippi, two Mississippi."
Gilbert: "Okay, fine. I hate you."
Ian M.: "Jenny Yim's not all that smart."
Rob: "Hey, don't make fun of Jenny Yim."
Everyone: laughs
Sarah: "Hey, kids. If anyone ever runs a case on you, and it's opp-choice,
castrate yourself for Jesus or don't, choose don't. Rob and I learned the
hard way."
Rob: "We thought it was a trap."
Janoff: "I almost got busted for underage drinking while I was at home. I
was drinking in... uh..."
Bing: "A gated community?"
Geoff: "We make the jizzmonkeys park on the street."
Rob: "Apparently, if you take a cybertronic donkey and put it in a bathtub full of uranium, it causes an explosion that can destroy all civilization."
Ian S.: "Are people whose names are question marks actually people?"
Sarah, to Gilbert and Janoff: "You two are such clean, fastidious little
GIRLS!"
Janoff: "But it's Rob!"
Geoff: "Gin and OJ. We can call that a Geoff special or something."
Rob: "We could have Dan Yue judge Better Off Without You against Gilbert."
Blake: "I have one or two spare ethernet cables."
Sonya: "How long?"
Blake: "I didn't bring my 200-footer."
Ian M.: "Why didn't you just get a wireless networking card?"
Blake: "Because they only reach 300 feet."
Ian M.: "That still, nevertheless, is more than 200 feet."
Blake: Stunned silence.
Sonya: "Thanks to everyone who helped with the tournament. It went really well, except for the terrorists and everything."
Emily: "What did you just say?"
Jawaad: "I said that Amos J. Peaslee looks like Rob and Jesus' love child."
Liz, to Jawaad: "This is why my people had the right to fuck over your
people in the Crusades."
Sarah: "Moments like this are why we have a multicultural dean at this
school."
Chris: "Maybe we need a multicultural holding cell."
Chris, to Janoff: "Just remember that I'm only more made fun of than you by
a little bit. Not by much."
Rob: "Yeah, but you suck."
Sarah: "What will be the end of the year trip? It better be fucking cool."
Luke: "Yeah. And cool!"
Rob, on skydiving: "They strap you to some big hairy dude and he's all up in your shit. He's practically about to butt fuck you on the way down. And you're so full of adrenaline that you don't even notice. That's all they do, is rape people."
Sarah: "Hella hella hella hella. California is hella cool. Peace is hella good. Homemade jewelry and patchouli are hella stylish."
Geoff: "Dude, programming drunk is so good."
Luke: "Yeah. It lowers your inhibitions and makes you just write code."
Rob: "Let's burninate this case."
Alex from Harvard: "Rob is funny and flippant when he speaks-"
Rob: "Thank you!"
Matt from Columbia, revealing his case statement: "On balance, marijuana is a
superior recreational drug to alcohol."
Rob: "Nooo!!! Nooo!!!"
Arthur from William & Mary: "Sonya's predisposition point doesn't matter and should never be spoken of again."
Arthur: "I don't know if anyone was at Vassar last year,
but I am simply blessed by God that I didn't get a STD from the girl I hooked
up with."
Rob: "It's okay, Sonya."
Arthur: "If you have people smoking pot during a car ride, you're probably going to get a sing-along. If you have people drinking alcohol during the car ride, you're going to have fiery death."
Rob to Matt, referring to the marijuana case: "That being said, you're a bastard, and I have an observation and two independent points."
Arthur, on having sex with girls when they're drunk: "Crimes aside, she'll just
suck at it."
Matt, as though he had just had an epiphany: "...She will suck!"
Arthur to Rob, on getting drugs from third world drug dealers: "But you wouldn't be as good as you are at origami without this!"
Rob: "Rob says, 'Don't rape people! Drink lots, but don't rape people!'" (Arthur rises) "-But you disagree?"
Rob: "You don't have meaningful conversations when you're stoned. I think the last stoned conversation I had with my friends was about how we're going to graduate and become either high stakes criminals or bounty hunters."
Bing: "Who were those guys?"
Sonya: "Blenkinsopp and Potopov."
Bing: "And Powerpuff?"
Sarah: "I am not knocking on Rob's door at six AM to take pictures of him in his underwear."
Liz: "So I have this picture of a donkey in a bathtub in my notes."
Rob: "Was it a live donkey or an undead donkey?"
Liz: "It was undead."
Rob: "Okay."
Arthur: "I'm rooming with Jonathan Schneider next year."
Janoff: "Isn't he a junior?"
Arthur: "He wants a double. He doesn't like to sleep alone."
Tim from Yale: "I'm willing to stand up here and say yes, smoking crack is bad."
Rob: "Let's go back to northwestern New Jersey and try to pass the seven trials again."
Sarah: "Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you could get into as
fifty monkeys with a collective consciousness?"
Rob: "Right, as if a flying whale couldn't do anything."
Janoff: "Aviva's not going to go unless it's porn, let's face it."
Janoff: "Does no one else want to do paintball?"
Luke: "I'm sensing a definite gender bias. Maybe the women could just be
prizes."
Rob: "Nice pipe cleaners, Blake."
Blake: "Thanks."
absolut swarthmore
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