They all have their own hands, but they come from different moms.

Molly: I live in the same room as Molly... earning her the sought-after title of "my roommate". I also live in constant fear of Molly...she's perky, she's got more energy than Richard Simmons on crystal meth, and she's really fuckin' strong. She likes Erasure (a lot), she loves to dance, she talks to her cat over the phone, and she's majoring in French and German. I got her addicted to Twin Peaks; she got me addicted to her masseuse abilities. I'm subtle; she's Molly. Molly is easily identified by her bright blue glasses, her really long hair, and her laugh (as our next-door neighbors will tell you). I admire her ability to assert herself, her succulence, and her self-assurance. I wish she'd take those creepy posters off our wall and recognize that I'm NOT in fact a throw pillow, but since these are the only major complaints I can lodge against her, I'm not really too concerned. She's leaving me next year to spend some time in France and Germany, where she'll no doubt strike fear into many a European heart. Best of luck to them.
Molly, I salute you!

Matt: The boy licks chickens. We met the first day I came to Swarthmore, lost one another for a week, then proceeded to become friends. He's one of the weirdest people I've ever met, and he gets points for that. Matt won't stop trying to convince us he's half-Asian, despite a great deal of evidence to the contrary. He hates birds, largely because they "don't have arms." While this is a very valid point, I still don't understand his point of view. Matt is also a chronic migraine sufferer, or so he claims...actually, I think he's just addicted to codeine. He needs to be dominated by women, so we slap him around a lot. Matt's a really good artist, but he gets all self-deprecating when you mention it. Oh, and he has Tourette's on occasion. His musical preferences include Dan Bern and Ben Harper, while I continually get the two confused. He's majoring in Psychology, which frightens me quite a bit. Matt makes me feel good about myself because no matter how little sleep I'm getting, he's usually getting less. I admire his social conscience, his "amazing" experiences, and his overall kind soul. I just wish he'd stop calling me "Laundry Ho".
Matt, I salute you!

Marta: She's the smartest whore in the drawer. I also met Marta (Person-head) the first day at Swarthmore...we bonded over a mutual love for Prince, George Michael, and whorishly painted nails. She therapist-monkeys me when I need it, laughs at me for being stupid, and instructs me in seducing men, a skill she acquired long ago. Marta is a great person to slack off with...she's a very relaxed/relaxing individual (perhaps this goes back to the Ability To Seduce Men thing...?). One day, Marta will make a very cushy living baking gourmet cakes and Being All Anthropological. I envy this. She's one of the few people who understands first-hand my peculiar relationship with Walt Disney's Empire, and I'm very thankful for this. She also likes to shoot things, and has a competitive streak. She's going to Venezuela next semester to play with monkeys and South American people, and she'll be missed.
Marta, I salute you!

Mandy: On some deep-seated level, I know Mandy thinks I'm absolutely insane. She hides it well, and I appreciate this. I met Mandy my first day at Swarthmore, and spent over an hour talking to her. I think this makes her my first Deep Discussion as a Swarthmore student, and she'll always hold a special place in my heart (but I think that has more to do with the fact that she's actually a Native American slut named Lulu). Mandy plays a mean oboe, and she ties her own reeds. Yes, that sounds pornographic. Yes, it is. I enjoy attending parties with Mandy, largely because we both usually end up laughing at people and dancing like fools. She likes They Might Be Giants and some fucked-up song about Cows With Guns, which adds to her charm. Earlier last year I had the pleasure of accompanying Mandy to her first concert, where we were nearly mauled to death by over-zealous 12-year-olds. She's going to try to save the environment, and I'm going to try to destroy it. I admire her fortitude, work ethic, and contagious laugh. My one complaint to register against Mandy is that she maintains obscenely regular sleeping patterns, which I think is unfair.
Mandy, I salute you!

Julie: It follows logically to mention Julie at this point for two reasons: first, she's Mandy's roommate, and second, because after I managed to name a hunk of M-named people, a hunk of J-people logically follows. So here we are. Without sounding really hokey, Julie's a really neat person... in fact, I think she's one of maybe three people I would ever consider describing as such. She's from the mean streets of Frenchtown, New Jersey, but we don't hold it against her. She Copy Edits like a mofo, helps people with their resumes, and tutors punks in Chester. Julie has the unique ability to sleep on a pile of her clothes, wake up, pick an outfit out of said pile, get dressed in two minutes, walk out the door, and never look disheveled or wrinkled. She's like Houdini, only still very much alive. Julie doesn't like violence, which makes me very surprised to say she still talks to me. I think being at Swarthmore has corrupted her a bit, as I could swear I've seen her laugh at the abject misfortune of others several times this semester. She was going to inherit the name Bruce Grant, but decided recently that she'd rather keep her own.
Julie, I salute you!

Shakin: Shakin's first name is actually Josh. I can't really remember the last time I called him Josh, so for consistency's sake we'll keep him 'Shakin' in this little profile. He's a raving lunatic. When he's not wandering around doing his trademark dance move, the "Librarian," Shakin can be found pissing off my roommate by making obscenely sexist remarks. He's kept on a necessarily short leash by Lucy, his woman. His father is in some way responsible for those fuckin' child-proof devices on new cigarette lighters, so send all hate mail his way. Shakin will be very, very rich someday, most likely through extremely illegal means. I subject him to my freaky little movies, and he watches without too much objection. I like that about Shakin. Oh, he also does an impeccable imitation of the dwarf from Twin Peaks, so I suppose his existence is justified.
Shakin, I salute you!

Jason: He's got shiny pants and a very large head of curly hair. He's from Michigan, which makes him the only person I've ever met from that state. Jason is also somewhat insane. He threatens to cut my face, forces me to be dropped from 153-foot arches, acts goofy with me, and quotes Labyrinth if you ask really nicely. He's an overall chill human being, and sometimes he lets me paint his nails. He's fun to dance with at parties, because he's not too cool to act like a complete moron with me. Ask him to do the "Broken Glass Bottle" dance for's a treat. Jason speaks somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 languages, last I checked, which means he can insult you more effectively and more diversely than you can insult him. He plans on majoring in Linguistics and Languages, which means he'll be graduating sometime before the 2020s...I wish him luck on this endeavor. He also helps me dye my hair when I have one of those "I need purple hair!" days, which is much appreciated.
Jason, I salute you!

Jon: I credit Jon with re-introducing the word "dude" into the vernacular of many of my friends. He's one of the few people I've ever met who can use the word and make it sound natural, and for that I admire him. Jon is on the Ultimate Frisbee team, ends up drunk/chemically enhanced/talkative most weekends, and "borrows" things from the public sector to be used for his own evil needs. He can usually be found in his room doctoring photos, on campus attending some manner of physics/computer/religion class, communing with nature, or driving around smugly in his extremely impressive car. The smugness is usually excused, as he lets me ride with him sometimes.
Jon, I salute you!

More dork profiles are forthcoming...I tire of this web editing at the moment. You are subject to my whimsy...ha!