wishing
    for anna kyung lee kowalski

it will hurt.

rocks
in my throat,
sand in my eyelids.
it will gnaw a
nauseated hunger
through my chest--

someday some asshole
will call you chink
or jap
and not give a damn
that you were born in
kwang ju,
korea.

my arms will wrap
you tight,
wishing they could
wrap you
tight
enough.
my fingers will flay
your black
glitter hair,
smooth and straight
like mine
but thicker
when i twist
elaborate designs
for you before school--

old enough
to do it yourself,
you're still young
enough
to think it's cooler
when i do it.

someday, you know
some idiot
trying to make sense
of your
incomprehensible
beauty
will ask
--where are you from
and not be satisfied
if you answer
dekalb,
illinois.

and i'll hold you,
hands spreading
across your back,
and rage
at my own
impotence, wishing i could
absorb your pain
through the palms
of my hands,
drink it away
from you,
vomit it out.

wishing i could
protect you

from
things
that i,

your pale
blond sister,

never had
to protect
myself.


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sarahk@sccs.swarthmore.edu

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© sarah kowalski
updated october 5, 1999