I'm in the habit of writing letters and never sending them. This is one that I'm really glad I saved... it was from this brief melodramatic period of my life that occurred almost exactly four years ago, at the end of sophomore year of high school...

Dear Aaron --
I think I'm going to give that letter to you after all. Because it's very true. And that's a good thing for a letter to be. I hope your test goes okay. I'll talk to you before you ever see this most likely. So. I guess the question I want to ask -- though I'd prefer to talk to you face to face, and probably will -- is, what are we doing? Are we "friends" or "more than friends," as the expression goes. (I'm reminded of the Wonder Years phrase, "So do you like him, or do you LIKE him like him?") Everything feels so right when I'm with you or alone with my thoughts. But when I see Sara -- and it must be worse for you -- I just feel like maybe this is something that should happen slowly and, not to pull a Jordan Catalano, be something we keep sort of private for a while. Then I wonder if, it's something not to put right out in the open, maybe it might be wrong. But it doesn't feel wrong, emotionally. But rationally I just keep wondering if what you really want is the innocent, exciting, infatuated beginning. Which is a great part, but I don't really want to lose a great friendship for just that. Oh, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Jim told me you told him you kissed me. He said you said you liked it. I did too. I felt drunk when I was driving home. I still think of you as my friend, but in a different way. So Allison thinks we're growing apart. That's really sad. I wonder if part of it has to do with how much time I've been spending lately with you. I mean, she does like parties more than I do -- the really big, dark, smoky keg ones. But usually when we're anywhere else we have fun. Like when we're with Lori or Adonis or something.

...and that's where it ends. i just love that i still have this letter because it so epitomizes everything i was going through at the time with my various relationships. i also love the reference to my so-called life. aaron and i watched it together all the time. we learned how to play "i call her red" on the guitar just like jordan.

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