may 5, 1999

i'm twisted around all funny at the computer because i want to have my ankle kind of elevated, and so i'm not sure how long this is going to last. also my eyes are almost closing. so why am i writing. hm. it's not inspiration in that i really think i have anything to say, it's just inspiration in that i've been doing so many wonderful things and talking to so many wonderful people and feeling so, so, so good.

rooftops, and i'm reminded of last spring this time with mary, sitting on the roof of the barn after dinner... corn and black bean salad bringing back memories of home, violent femmes bringing back memories of high school, and at the same time i think i was aware i was making a memory. it's odd when i realize that. when something is marked at the moment of its occurance as something i'll look back on later. reminds me a little of my graduation speech. all about being happy in the present tense, and that's something i finally learn to do well every year about this time.

this whole semester felt like it was about plans, about crises. first it was what do i major in, then it was should i really be in this relationship, then it was should i take a semester off, then it was where am i going to be living... and so at this point i have no idea what i'm doing over the summer, except for the korea trip, which i don't even think about that concretely. because i suppose i don't know how to. but i don't feel like planning. i feel like just being. and it's been feeling so good to just be.

i went to a cool web discussion tonight, sat around talking about why we do this, why we try to put ourselves out there on the web, and it's good for me i think because so often i don't think about it. i just do it. which doesn't seem to click with the rest of my life... i consider myself so meditative, so introspective... but with the web it's been so haphazard. maybe partly because of the way i began. not out of a plan at all, just... bored one night, feeling procrasty, i turned around in my chair and said, talia, it's not that hard to learn html, is it? she said no. she showed me how to get into emacs. i figured everything else out myself, i think. so much of it was just the sheer excitement of learning this medium that i'd never had experience with that i didn't think too much about content, or intent, or other kinds of tents... camping, etc... (goodness, it's late when i begin to babble like this. in high school, keeping a real, hands on journal, one of my favorite parts was that i'd write every night as i was falling asleep, and sometimes continue writing as i was drowsing, and get the weirdest sentences...)

anyway, yes, getting a chance to talk to other folks about my page, their page, was great. i'm not sure why i do this. it just feels right. i'm getting the urge to type with my eyes closed. this could be a sign. that it's almost bedtime. but the rest of my night was also wonderful...

it was the second fondue dip at the wrc. this one was great because it was smaller, more intimate. i got the feeling that i really made a connection with every woman there, on some level. (now i really am typing with my eyes closed. typos are probably abounding, but that's okay, i guess. it's probably more decipherable that my handwriting is when i get really sleepy and begin to write nonsense. )

but yes. nakedness and chocolate and strawberries and mangoes and pineapple and apples and banana bread and all these wonderful women. it's been a wonderful journey for me this year in my body. since concon, really, when i did the sweat lodge, i think i've been relating to my body in a different way, but this year seems also to have changed me a lot. it's been great living with a group of women and being naked all the time. aryani was just saying how it's really opened her eyes to how different all our bodies are, and all beautiful at the same time. i feel much more okay now realizing that my body is mine and is unique and different from everyone elses. and yet so similar, too.

afterwards, sarah and i walked home, me slow on crutches, and then stood talking at the point where we'd have to separate, her to ml, me to pitt, for almost 45 minutes. yeah. it was good.

now i'm going to sleep. for a little while at least.