a p r i l 1 6 , 1 9 9 9

so, it's technically the 16th because it's 1:20 in the am. aryani and i just got back from our radio show on wsrn. it was fun. afterwards, i found a liz phair 7", "cannibal" that she released around the time of exile in guyville. i love that woman. especially since she's from chicagoland. she went to new trier high school, which is where my friend katie went, and also where they filmed the breakfast club. just some random trivia about the place where i grew up...

jess just walked in from the matrix and said, "big guns! i want them now!"

i love my roommates.

so on to the journalliness. i'm feeling better today. i had a really good long talk with gil, and since 3 in the morning-- so almost 24 hours now-- i've been thinking i'm going to stay here next year. it's feeling pretty good. the people, i've decided. that's what it's about. the people here at swat make all the difference. they're so amazing.

of course, i'm still having issues. (what a swat phrase that, too...) and it's getting to that time where work's piling up and the housing lottery is on tuesday... erk. (noises of strangulation.) but i'm feeling better. and that's really what it's all about...

i find it hard to keep my train of thought here. i'm not sure what it is. or maybe it's just the time of night. but i was thinking the other night, that in some ways the web really provides a place for non-linear thought... that whole feminist thing about getting away from the patriarchal way of speaking and writing and thinking linear-ly. that on the web, you really do think in circles and in interconnections. which is great... with all the links, it's like you can not only tell someone a story, but you can let them in on all the connotations that are going through your mind as you tell it.

unfortunately, i don't actually yet have enought links up on my page to really do that. like, even the ones above, to my roommates, don't actually really work yet as of this writing. but i'm linking 'em anyway in the hopes that soon, they will work. because that's one of my web projects... to fill in some of the gaps in my autobio page. the project after that is to make a web zine.

i used to make real zines. i mean, as in tangible paper ones. someday i'd like to put them on here too... so you can see what creative outlets i was exploiting as a wee youth. i only made two of them... the second one i really thought was great. i had so much fun with the layout... that's another reason i like playing on the web so much. since i discovered pagemaker in high school... well, actually since i discovered crayons in preschool, but you get the idea... i've been so into layout and design. editing new pennies, my high school literary mag, was a dream come true... we had good writing, good art, and a budget to make a really nice product.

i was thinking about lilacs today.

wondering if they're blooming yet.

last year, around this time, my mom sent me lilacs from our lilac bush at home overnight mail. it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. even thinking about it makes me almost want to cry... i love her so much. and it was the perfect gift because it's exactly right for me. at home, i love our lilacs so much. i live for the week or two a year when we have huge bouquets of them in every room, the scent hanging heavy in the air. i go outside and just submerge my face in our huge, ancient bush, in the purple blossoms, the heady perfume. i wear lilac perfume oil from the body shop sometimes. sometimes i wear leap. when i was a freshman in high school, i used to wear vanilla oil... it's how my-friend-eric-the-cookie got his name. it was my second conference, kaleidacon recipe for life in urbana, and we were up late... me and eric and katie and charlie and sam and some other kids... we'd been watching say anything (which i didn't fully apprecciate at the time, but it's now one of my alltime favorite movies. i love lloyd dobbler. i'm a big cameron crowe fan... fast times at ridgemont high, singles...) and someone smelled my perfume and said, "something smells like cookies." and we'd been talking about nicknames and he, in a sleepy dazed-y way, said, "cookie... that would be a cool name, cookie"... and it stuck, for a while at least.

so somehow this all came out of talking about lilacs... hm. the ways the mind works are so fascinating.

yeah. i'm feeling good. well, not physically so much... still some of that weirdo sickness going on. but i went to the health center today and had myself checked out, and i'll know by saturday whether or not it's strep... i don't really think it is... when i get strep i can't even eat, usually, it hurts so much... so i eat things like jello and sorbet, and my mom brings me sassy magazine...

i can feel myself starting to get homesick sometimes. not that i particularly want to leave here... or even particularly want to be in dekalb that much, but i miss my family. and i want it to be summer. and i think i need to cry.

that's the bottom line, i think... i need to cry. i can feel it building in me sometimes. and it feels so good. it hurts, but it hurts so good. i'm not sure what to do to make myself cry... i need to watch a sad movie or read a sad book or something. what always does it to me... east of eden for sure. every time. without fail. major tears. it's so beautiful... i read that book for the first time in 7th grade. i'm not sure how many times i've seen it since. i feel like i'm such an easy cry... what else does it...? i mean, if i'm in the right mood, almost anything... i almost started crying the other day when i was watching mulan for my asian sex class... except that i was in mccabe, watching it on earphones, with like 3 other people in the room... i don't like crying in public. i really don't. it's not about embarrassment at all... just sort of a sense of privacy.

so, crying can be my next personal project. my next goal of things to accomplish over the weekend. a good cry. preferably in bed with a good book.

ah, weekend plans...

which also reminds me... genderfuck is tomorrow night... i'm going in drag, as a ville kid-ish skater boy. i think i can sort of pull it off. i feel like it's much more subversive to go as a boy than to go naked. not that i have a problem with nudity. even public nudity. no, the contrary... i think there should be more of it. (and not just dash for cash, which is also tomorrow.) but real, honest, non-embarrasing nudity.

i feel like it's the best way to really get comfortable with our bodies. just let it all out. don't have any secrets about your body. well... not no secrets... i've still got these reservations, like some information should be private. like not wanting to cry in front of people. but nudity. yeah, i'm all for that.

well, and it's almost 2 am, and i should go to sleepy bye. g'night.

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