april 13, 1999
I sort of stopped writing in my web journal. For like, two months. I wrote a web journal of sorts on my main pages... the old ones can be found here... but I sort of got uncomfortable with the whole idea of spilling my guts to the world in journal form. Maybe it got scary when I realized people were actually reading it. Or maybe it got scary because for the last two months, my life has been...

well... let's just say there's been a lot to write about. I've been writing in my real, tangible journal some... and that's a whole different story from this web stuff. Partly because it's handwritten, it feels different... or maybe it feels different to be writing by hand when what I'm writing is so infused with emotion and confusion.

Confusion and emotion. Emotion and confusion. Those words sum up the last two months well for me, I think. I've been going through hell trying to make decisions about my life that are big but seem bigger. I don't know yet whether or not I want to be here or be ... not here... next fall semester. Or, my latest theory is that deep down, I do know, but I just haven't gotten in touch with my real feelings yet.

There's all these other issues tied up in that one, which is the main one right now. Issues like whether I need to get to know myself better, or get to know other people better. Like what role Greek plays in my life at this point... if I stay, I'll take the Historians seminar, which could be really good (but I had a scary weird nightmare about it the other night when I was feverish) but if I go, I (obviously) won't. If I go, I'm not sure what I'll do about myself, Greek wise. Right now, I am so not prepared to take a seminar. I'm very likely almost failing my class. Which is another issue entirely... I'm finding it very difficult to work with the professor, for some reason. And now things have been piling up week on week and it's become a vicious cycle...

Anyway... lots of other stuff has been going on in my life. I'm dealing with relationship changes that I've never had to deal with before. I had never been in love before, and so I had to learn how to do it, and now it's the same... I don't know how do deal with love changing, because I've never had to. But I don't regret anything. Loving Ben has taught me so much, and so much of it was wonderful and beautiful...

But change is hard. It's fucking hard to deal with, and I'm realizing that... I've been realizing that. It's a grieving process. Day in and day out. So not much of what I've been going through these past few months is really on the web... I'm still not sure how I feel about private vs. public information, what I feel comfortable sharing.

But I thought I should at least explain why, if you don't see so many regular journal entries here... that's part of the reason. I've been too messed up and too confused to deal with it.


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