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Host: Oh, you know what I'm talking about. In this city you better learn to get along. Because LA's got it all: the glamour and the grit, the big breaks and the heartaches, the sweet young lovers and the nasty, ugly, hairy fiends that suck out your brain through your face. It's all part of the big wacky variety show we call Los Angeles. You never know what's coming next.
Gym attendant (staring at a demon): That guy has horns.
Angel: Steroids. Not good for you.
Wesley: Nasty demon, unknown origin.
Angel: Awful lot of that in this town. I'm sure he'll feel right at home.
Lilah (on the phone): You have every right to review the contract. I encourage it. We'll talk on Monday. Of course if you don't sign we'll sue your ass off and kill your children. Just kidding, Donald. No one wants a lawsuit.
Darla (about Angel): He killed me. I remember nowwith a soul in his heart.
Host (to Angel): Love the coat. It's all about the coat.
Angel: There are three things I don't do: tan, date, and sing in public!
Angel: He was a demon. I just assumed...
Wesley: Well, why wouldn't you? Cordelia said he was a nasty demon.
Cordelia: Well, he looked nasty! I didn't say he was a killer, you did!
Wesley: That's what Prio Motus are! They hunt. They kill. What, we're supposed to think a creature like that can suddenly change its modus operandi overnight? Turn into some noble protector and... [looks at Angel] defender of...oh, God.
Cordelia: Who is it?
Gunn (through the door): Gunn.
Wesley: What was that?
Cordelia: Something about a gun. What if it's a demon with a gun?
Wesley: Listen up, whoever you are, we are well armed and we know how to do battle, so if you know what's good for you...
Gunn: My name is Gunn. Angel sent me.
Cordelia (opening the door): Well, this is a little embarrassing. Please, come in. Come in. Wesley, you've heard Angel talk about Gunn. He's a great guy with a really fly street tag.
Wes: What's he fly?
Cordelia: It's how they know you on the street, dorko. Gun. It really lets them know you mean business.
Gunn: It's my name. Charles Gunn. Two ns.
Cordelia: Oh, lord, will no one shut me up?
Angel: I had to sing Barry Manilow.
Faith: You're kidding.
Angel: In front of people.
Faith: And here I am talking about my petty little problems.
Angel: Just wanted to give you a little perspective.
Faith: Copa cabana?
Angel: Mandy. I don't wanna dwell on it.
Faith: The road to redemption is a rocky path.
Are You Now or Have You Ever
Wesley: I've been accused of a great many things in my time, but paranoid has never been one of them. Unless people have been saying it behind my back.
Cordelia: Oh, this place is never gonna get clean.
Wesley: Buck up. It's just a little dust.
Cordelia: This isn't mere dust. This is son of dust. This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust. I give up.
Wesley: Very well. We'll just move our offices back to your living room.
Cordelia: And I'm dusting.
Gunn (coming in the door): Where's Angel?
Cordelia: I believe the word is "hello"?
Gunn: Yeah? 'Cause I thought "where is Angel" summed it up. We got work to do.
Cordelia: He's still sleeping.
Gunn: Sleeping? It's 3:30 in the afternoon. I've been up since dawn!
Cordelia: Sort of missing the whole "creature of the night" angle, isn't he?
Cordelia: He doesn't use a coffin. And maybe you've never heard the
expression "let sleeping vampires lie"? He'll rise on his own. He always
does. Maybe we can help?
Gunn: You two? I find Deevak I'm gonna need more than C3PO and "stick figure Barbie" backing me up. No offense.
Wesley: Very little taken.
Gunn: Maybe the rest of you need a little down time. I'm gonna
track down Jameel and make him talk.
Cordelia: When you do find him, you may wanna be a little more Guy Pierce in LA Confidential and less Michael Madsen in Reservoir Dogs?
Gunn: I haven't bothered to see a movie since Denzel was robbed at the Oscars for Malcolm X. [he leaves]
Wesley: That was quite a performance.
Cordelia: I know! Talk about being wound up too tight.
Wesley: No. I-I mean Denzel.
Cordelia: Oh. Well, he is always great.
Wesley (to Angel): What about you?
Angel: Who doesn't love Denzel?
Wesley: No! I meanwhat you said before. It's true. I've never seen you have so much trouble with a simple vampire before.
Angel: Off day. Letıs go.
Wesley (on his motorcycle): Come on. What are you waiting
Angel (holding a pink helmet): I-I-I really don't think it's gonna fit.
Wesley: Of course it will. Put it on.
Angel: You know, I-I don't need a helmet for protection.
Wesley: Angel. It's the law in California. You want us to get pulled over?
Wesley: Then what's the problem?
Angel: Well, it-it's just, you knowthe wholevisibility issue, not to mention the whole hat-head thing and if you really think about it, how come I have to wear the ladies' helmet?
Wesley: Stop being such a wanker and put it on! [Angel puts on the helmet] Good. Hop on board, gorgeous.
Angel: You'll pay for this.
Cordelia: I can't get this bandage tostop moving!
Angel: I'm not.
Cordelia: Well, then stop breathing.
Angel: I don't breathe.
Cordelia: Then stop flexing your manly boob-muscles or whatever.
Wesley: That's an ugly looking wound.
Angel: It doesn't feel pretty either.
Wesley: We should definitely approach this girl with caution. I guess you already figured that out.
Angel: She's very powerful. We've got to find out everything we can about her.
Cordelia: Likeoh, say, her name?
Angel: I was impaled at the time.
Cordelia: Of course. Perfectly understandable.
Angel: You know how hard it is to think straight with a rebar through your torso?
Cordelia: Actually, I do. Benefits of a Sunnydale education. No address or anything?
Angel: She said she was staying with a friend.
Cordelia: Well, that narrows it down to people with friends. Where do we keep that list?
Bethany: So, are you and Angel...?
Cordelia: Oh, no! I like my men less broody and more spendy.
Cordelia: Mush monster's not going anywhere, it's the place we've
got to findits disciples are human; they're killing each other. I
think the fight is over how to worship it.
Angel: This is why personally I rarely go to church. [Wesley and Cordelia ignore him] I thought it was funny.
Darla (to Lindsey): You're fun for a human.
Guise Will Be
Cordelia: What are you doing?
Wesley: Ah. Knocking things over, driving away businessyou know, the usual.
Cordelia: They have vampire detectors!
Gunn: We know. It's cool. He's got a plan.
Wesley: A plan?
Angel: Yeah. I get to the offices before they stop me.
Gunn: See? [whips his head around to stare at Angel] What? That's the plan? Walking real quick was the "plan"?
Cordelia (pretending to be Angel): Oh, no. I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday.
Angel: Well, maybe my persona is a little...affected.
Magev: A little affected? Come on. How many warriors slated for the coming apocalypse do you think are gonna be using that hair gel?
Cordelia: Angel, Gunn, what happened?
Angel: He got hit.
Cordelia: By who? The swami? Swamis don't hit. Swamis swam.
Bryce: She's impure? She-she's not a virgin? [starts towards
Gunn: Whoa! That's what impure meant?
Cordelia: She slept with him?
Bryce: You were supposed to be Angel. This wouldn't have happened. That's why I hired him. He's a eunuch.
Cordelia: You slept with her.
Angel: All we gonna do is find her.
Cordelia: And this would be the same woman you didn't notice was in your bedroom every night for like three weeks straight?
Angel: That was different.
Cordelia: Different in the sitting right on top of you sense, yeah.
Wesley: Cordelia has a point.
Wesley: The last time Darla emerged she wanted to be found. Now she is out there among six million other people.
Cordelia: She could be sitting on top of anybody.
Angel: Come on guys. We are a detective agency. We investigate things. That's what we're good at.
Cordelia: That's what we suck at. Let's face it, unless there's a website called www.Oh-by-the-way-we-have-Darla-stashed-here.com, we're pretty much out of luck.
Angel: Let's go.
Wesley: Perhaps it would be best if you let me contact Gunn and he and I can check this out. We could do the reconnaissance, give you a full report and we can all decide how to proceedas a team.
Cordelia: Probably a good ideasince it's one o'clock in the afternoon and that address is in Sun Valley.
Angel: Right. Sun.
Cordelia: Actually I was thinking Valley. I mean why go there if you don't have to.
Drusilla: Angelus is gone on away. Where is he?
Darla: Drusilla, the campgo onkill things!
Drusilla: He shall be very cross if he finds we had a lovely mass slaughter without him.
The Shroud of
Wesley: Your hair. It's new...it's great! When did this
Cordelia: Ten days ago.
Wesley: Of course! I didn't want to embarrass you by...
Angel: They're bringing a vampire in from Las Vegas tonight. His
name is Jay-don. He's got a rep. If he's involved, it's a big heist.
Wesley: I've heard of him. Isn't he a...
Cordelia: ...deadly killer?
Wesley: Well, that, of course. I was about to say a loud, flashy sort of character.
Cordelia: Why is it always virgin women who have to do the
Wesley: For purity, I suppose.
Cordelia: This has nothing to do with purity. This is all about dominance, buddy. You can bet if someone ordered a male body part for religious sacrifice the world would be atheist [snaps her fingers] like that.
Cordelia: Don't say Darla! I'm sick and tired hearing about
Darla. If I hear the name Darla one more timeand he is not
he is obsessed! And I thought you were gonna be a man and talk to him
Wesley: I was a man! I said...things.
Cordelia: Like what?
Wesley: Likedid he prefer milk or sugar in his tea. It's how men talk about things in England.
Angelus: This is outrageous! Don't these people know who we
Darla: I think they do. Which would explain the lynch mob.
Angelus: This man, Holtz, how does he keep finding us?
Darla: Well, we stay in the best hotels, order room service, eat the waiterspeople talk.
Darla (about Wolfram and Hart): I don't trust them, but I
know a thing or two about mind games. [to Angel] So do you. We
played them together for over a century.
Cordelia: Yes, but you were just soulless bloodsucking demons, they're lawyers.
Angel: She's right. We were amateurs.
Cordelia (to Darla): So, first upyou're a
Wesley: I'd have to concur with that, yes.
Cordelia: See, you've got our friend...all...in knots.
Wesley: Can't say we like you much.
Cordelia: So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escapewe will hit you.
Wesley: On the head.
Cordelia: With very large and heavy objects. Okay?
Host: Are you still testy from the last time?
Angel: When you sent me to that swami who was dead, and his impostor tried to kill me? Why would I be testy about that?
Host: That was painful. I'm still reeling.
Angel: Yeah, I feel your pain, what with him trying to kill me and all.
Drusilla: I saw you coming, my lovely. The moon showed me. It told
me to come into the twentieth century.
Angel: It's the twenty-first century, Drusilla.
Drusilla: Hmm, I'm still lagging.
Darla: Now, as I was saying, if you think you have what it takes to join us, auditions are tonight, at this address. Winners will have the opportunity to foment mass-destruction, losers will be gutted and left for dead. Have a nice night.
Cordelia: But see, that's what I'm saying. If Wesley hadn't been
all shaking his finger...
Wesley: No, no, no.
Cordelia: ...and no, no, no, this whole Darla thing would have just, you know, blown over.
Wesley: Blown over? Angel is obsessed with Darla. Obsessions don't just blow over.
Cordelia: Well, you certainly didn't help by making him feel guilty about it. You shamed him into firing us!
Wesley: You blaming this on me?
Cordelia: I'm not blamingyes. I'm blaming you. You get the blame.
Gunn: I don't know. If I'd had to listen to you two day in day out snipe, snipe, snipe, bitch, bitch, bitch...I figure you all got off easy, because I would have killed you.
Cordelia: Ha. That's rich coming from Mr. "I don't take ordersnow where do I stick my ax?
Gunn: What is that supposed to mean?
Wesley: Well, Gunn. You've never been very supportive of Angel's leadership role. I remember a certain shroud.
Gunn: Hold up. Hold on, are you trying to tell me this is my fault?
Wesley: Well, how is the man supposed to run a business if his employees won't follow directives?
Gunn: Was one of his directives "hire pansy-assed British guys"?
Wesley: My ass is not pansy.
Darla: But where is he? Probably flogging himself in a church
Drusilla: Ooh, flogging! Eew, churches.
Boone: What's a Wolfram and Hart?
Merl: A law firm, technically. Uh, more like, uhEvil Incorporated.
Angel: What did Lindsey say about me?
Anne: That you were a bad man.
Angel: Bad man.
Anne: A psychotic vampire who cut off his hand, harassed his firm and is borderline schizophrenic. I was giving you the short version.
Angel: Can you just get to the point already?
Host: Yes, I can, if you'd let me get a word in edgewise, Mr. Get-to-the-point-y-pants.
Angel: Why'd you come to me?
Host: Isn't it obvious? You're a champion. A unique force for good in a troubled world. Also, all the other champions I know are currently out of town ordead. Why? You don't want to work with me? Is this because I sent you on a couple of missions that turned out to be a little...
Angel: Pointless and deadly?
Host: As for example. But I sent you on those missions in good faith. And we interrupt this broadcast to inform you: world ending? Kind of an emergency situation here. You might want to get on board.
Angel: Oh, you know, he's a demon. You better do what he says or he mighttalk your ears off.
Virginia: Hey! Wow. This place is great. I brought champagne. You
guys must be so excited [she sees their expressions] in that really
dry, suicidal way.
Wesley: Sorry, sweetheart. You just caught us in a moment of...well...
Virginia: Ohthat. I avoid that.
Gunn: How do you avoid reality?
Virginia: Money. It cures everything but boredom, and food cures boredom, so there you go.
Virginia: My friend Patricia, her family, they've got like this big
guy that's been harassing them, hanging around the house getting scary,
and they'd be really grateful if someone got rid of him.
Gunn: That sounds easy.
Cordelia: Uh, wait. By "big guy" do you mean demon?
Virginia: Yeah. And by "house" I mean palatial estate, and by "grateful" I mean they'll give you big tubs of cash. Really rich family. They invented, um, I don't know, likechairs, or something.
Angel: Where did you learn how to drive?
Host: Just now in your car. Not bad for a beginner, huh?
Angel: What? You nearly got us killedfour times.
Host: Someone had to drive. You weren't exactly qualified, huddled under a blanket in back, hiding from the sun.
Angel: I think you should shut up now.
Host: I'm the host. Have you met me? I never shut up.
Wesley: But we all know that Kevin is impotent, so why put on the show? Perhaps to cover for the real killerunless Kevin in fact is the real killer. With Derek gone, the family inheritance falls to you, the younger brother and black sheep of the family. Unfortunately you had neither the opportunity nor the intelligence to perpetrate this crime. Sorry about the impotent remark.
Host: It's like a song. Now, I can hold a note for a long timeactually I can hold a note forever. But eventually that's just noise. It's the change we're listening for. The note coming after, and the one after that. That's what makes it music.
The Thin Dead Line
Angel: Hey, Merl.
Merl: Jesus, man! I mean, can't you, you know, knock?
Angel: You don't make that funny expression when I knock, or if you do I don't see it.
Gunn: So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?
Anne: Well, I just thought I'd see how the other half lives, and strangely enough, it's not that different.
Cordelia: We like to think of it as early American dilapidation.
Cordelia: Okay, Gunn's about to do a really stupid thing.
Wesley: What did he say?
Cordelia: Just that in order to find out if the police have been brutalizing and killing people in Anne's neighborhood, he's going to videotape the cops trying to brutalize and kill him.
Wesley: You can't be serious.
Cordelia: Nothing says "Aha, I'm on to you" like being on the receiving end of a vicious police beating.
Wesley: You couldn't stop him?
Cordelia: Hello! Gunn, stubborn, synonyms.
Wesley: That can't be his plan, can it? I mean, it'sreally a dumb plan.
Cordelia: Hey, Gunn graduated with a major in dumb planning from Angel University. He sat at the feet of the master and learned well how to plan dumbly.
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