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I've been wondering around on the web basically all day. And my mind has gone so many places. I've taken emotional health, personality, and love quizzes, and read through friends' web sites, and talked to a Swarthmore spec (that is, prospective student), and wondered what it means to be a friend and a "partner". And to tell you the truth I'm still wondering about all these things cuz randomness has become almost common. None of this really makes sense to you, I'm sure. Because really I only type half of everything I'm thinking.
I've been thinking about depression and life traps and going back to Swarthmore a lot recently. And really they're all related. I really haven't talked about depression so much on here and I wonder why. I know that I'm afraid to cry. I'm afraid of what crying means. It means I can't go back to Swarthmore; that I'm not strong, never will be; that I'm losing, a loser... But really that's not true. It's just interesting how there can be two realities at once. There's the internal one, and there's the external one. They are connected but so different. My internal reality is one of questions and confusion, and doubts, and dreams, and tears. And so much love, weakness, and strength. My external reality, which is really only others' reality of me is one of great imbalance, which is ironic... or maybe oxymoronic... for my external "reality" is really only an attempt at balancing the weakness of my inside which causes only ...
Okay, that was getting really confusing...
So, I'm still trying to write. I mean the paper, thesis, meaningful kind of writing. Obviously, I can write or this sentence wouldn't exist. But when I'm put to the test, any test, I'm terrified. I'm frozen in between the future and the past. But I'm anywhere but the present. Actually, I'd say that I'm in both the future and the past at the same time. I remember past failures and grades and judgements, confusion, and frustration... and I see it all coming back to me as I try to put my thoughts down.
I have hundreds of ideas going through my mind at any one time. And all of these thoughts create a whirlwind which goes nowhere fast. The more I fight it the more I get tangled up in it. So, usually I run. Or maybe I don't. Usually I fight until I am submissive. But either way there is a battle. Between me and myself. I am my own worst enemy. And all of this because I seek friendship from myself. This leads me to thinking about an often pondered question: What is a friend? friendship? So often I think that I have answers but really all I'm left with are more questions.
I do not think in lines or arrows, not even circles, but globes upon globes which intersect upon planes, not at one place alone but many at once. But I am left to figure out how to get from point A to point B. If I take my way I usually end up at point D. Slightly off track... Yet, I don't know how to get to point B except by travelling through point D, E, and L. By the time I get to L I realize that I was heading to point B originally and I head off in the right direction (or so it seems)... If I ever do get to point B, I don't recognize it as point B, but as some point of confusion stuck in the middle of a carnival's mirror house. And instead of finding my way out of the mirror house I begin to study mirrors, their reflection, the math involved, and the symbolism of mirrors in my life. Meanwhile, point B has come and gone, unnoticed.
The funny part comes when I try to explain this process to someone and they say, "Just write it!" And inside I laugh and cry. Because really if I could just write something I would have done that a long time ago... instead of wandering through confusing, unanswered questions about the meaning of life.
And another thing about friendship... How is it that I cannot ever define this word...? Maybe
it is out of fear that no one will fit the definition and thus leave me friendless. Or maybe it
is me trying to find point B but ending up inn the carnival's mirror house again.
Onto a new topic: How does one know when one is healed from a past hurt?
For years (until I was in 10th grade) I kept the secret in that I was molested by some of my cousins when I was younger. And it tore at my insides like fire on flesh. That is until I told my mother that one day. The day my life screamed out for help. And I thought I was cured because instead of thinking about these incidents every day my mind was clear to think about other things most of the time. No longer did these thoughts come to haunt me every single day.
But don't let this confuse you. It wasn't that I was in this obvious wracking pain on the inside. It's not that I cried every day because poor me was molested. No, that's not what happened. It's just that I would remember every day. At some point every day the thoughts would come to me. Whether they be bad memories or good ones... just memories, that's all they were. It's just that I had this strong feeling that I should tell my mom about them. Not that I wanted my cousins to be punished, not that I wanted someone to listen even. Not necessarily... It's just that I felt I was responsible for telling my mom about these occurrences. And though they happened in like 2nd grade or so I kept them inside of me for so long. When I did tell my mother, on that day, this weight was lifted off of my mind. Things became just a little bit more clear. I hadn't thought that I was living under a veil until this one lifted.
The only other time I had this experience was when I wanted to come out to my mother. I did not feel that she was going to reject me in any way, but I had this enormous nagging feeling that I needed my mother to know more about me than she already did. So I told her, and another veil lifted. Though this one was not as thick... Yet despite its thickness it opened up some other passage ways of air for my mind. And I was calm. Nervous at first, then calm.
But now I am realizing that there is another veil upon me. One which I dare not talk about. And really it is part of the first veil but it is the heavier kind. This veil has been with me for fifteen years and it has affected who I am. The veil holds things I dare not talk about. I do not even know if I can now or if they will come out tonight on this page. I'm not even quite sure what this veil consists of. I know the surface (or what I perceive to be on the surface) but I do not know the depths. I will try to begin and see where it takes me:
Some of what happened to me when I was so young was not against my will. I mean, I knew what was happening to me and I either gave permission or asked for it, though never by name. What I was seeking was attention. Really everything goes back to my father and how he treated me.
I don't remember what I thought of my father before I was afraid of him and then hated him. But I think that I probably loved him... a lot that is. Because so much of the struggles I go through now go back to my relationship with him then.
I remember my father used to play sports with me. Used to play with me. Used to give me attention. And I was spoiled. Probably by both of my parents and probably even more by my father. I was his little girl. (Though I don't remember this exactly I can feel that it was true.)
Then my brother came along two years and three months after my birth. And I believe this is when thing started to change. My brother was the son my dad always wanted. He actually had a son before my brother and me by a woman other than my mom (I found this out only a few years ago.) but he was not with this son all the time. He could not play with that son. But now he had my brother and I guess he tried to make up for lost time by making my brother, Brian, his world. One day, I was my father's world and one day I did not exist except in relation to my brother. And to tell you the truth this killed something inside of me. I don't remember it dying (whatever it is) but I can feel the space it leaves behind. I have never been the same person since. From that time on, I was set on getting his attention.
In my knowledge there are only a few ways to get a parent's attention, and the top two ways are 1. doing bad things and getting in trouble, and 2. doing great things and earning the highest seat in that person's mind. Since my brother was allowed to get away with a lot of "bad" things because "that's what little boys do", I had to turn to number 2, doing great things. And this has shaped my life forever.
I worked at being the best in everything. I showed off every talent I could. Whatever my dad thought was the best I tried to be that and better. I tried to speak foreign languages, play instruments, get straight A's on everything. EVERYTHING. I even took care of that which was most special to my dad: my brother. But nothing was ever good enough. When I had done my best, I hadn't done enough.
And maybe this wouldn't have turned out so bad had I been a different person. But, there were parts of me that got entangled in this game. First, I loved to learn and I loved school. Second, I loved to help people. Because these traits were inherently part of me, things got rather confusing and mixed up.
My love for learning and school got intertwined with my need to do the best I could for my father. I wanted to learn for me and do the absolute best for my father. I also wanted to do my best for me. Out of this situation came my need to do my absolute best for others and for me. I always had to reach the stars to feel good, to win the attention of my father, and eventually to win the attention of all those around me- especially those I cared about most. But the whole time I thought I was doing this for me. I thought I needed to be the best at everything so that I would be a good person, a person deserving of attention... which at some point I began to equate with love.
So, I used my strength of being good at school and loving to learn to earn the attention of my parents, my teachers, basically any adult who would give me attention. Eventually peers became a part of this process too. And I sought out attention also known as love every where I went, including from my cousins who molested me. I knew how to get their attention and I did it well. So I did my best at it and got what I thought I wanted. But I got more than I wanted as well. I wanted the attention but not the sex. However, I did not know how to get one without the other. So, I gave in.
I never had to fight or scream. There was never a danger that I would tell. There was no reason to tell. Everything was a compromise. I gave a little, I took a little. Everything was fair. Yes, there were some unpleasant parts of it. But, I knew no other way. I did the best I could. I was getting what I wanted: attention=love.
And this pattern continued throughout my life. I used my body or my mind to get attention from everyone. And it worked... as much as it always had. But, there was something missing.
And that is related to this veil I have recently felt covering my eyes. I feel stuck in the seeking attention=love mode. When I don't have attention I don't feel loved, but I don't always want the attention that I get. Also, when I get one person's attention I tend to work at keeping that person's attention for as long as possible. When they leave I find a new person and do it all over again. So like I said I am stuck. Being aware of this life traps isn't enough. So what is?
There is so much more to write but I am tired now.